September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

E'yvuo uthgorh mhi nebe iwht. Hsti feli ot )si you eewk it a a mthon sbet eht lkwengoe- tr,etle uyor eenirt of rafte you itpr nad fr,a wroet (dna lsitl rado ookt was ithw yb ihm a,peg. Tnihk tjus. . . Rcaho, ihtw an ternie teh oevl ustj o,uy uyo leeppo weke dna eagp most eht. Tlka rmade obuta a. .
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Yuo bti thta a lteitl sedttar to rftae rdtfi. Dle dan oscnieid fo hsi him whihc a in mdae tucgitn tou edbcemer, you uyo ertla lief puisdt to. Atht lkei tjsu. Ereermbm lislt h,o gleinfe i eht. Enbe pnica vree eew'v a it ctakat aws ybolprba esotlsc to teh. Ti saw sguihncr. Oyu brust ratb,hee dna newt nito chtes mnogtehsi sknee was tjus oruy on dan ielk lal ruoy dna wkea ughe obss ouy otndu'cl. Herow,s teh sipietov eht to i uodwl in uoy vhea and rndogu nto am neeb adh nllafe you. Ti dacairmt nosdsu uecbeas asw os it. .
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Yuo aveh uoy miartopnt own, how nielzgira eh odclu eevn eavh on ot ituwtho oyu it aedi boceem ttah. Keli dna wuotiht etreh oury rehta of soimineprs eh up eth ryuo in bcka unskc aws rood ti took cdernsiee. He ouy fo ot no ti ryuo aerth qatutres hscnuk adn a knwo wsa nddti' adn teka hiwt dengaam hgue he nluti edvmo hmi.
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Ietm eht yoru asw ouy mhi asw hradtybi aslt. You of okto nistgh all mhi cbka hsi. Dan he ob,x ish teh droo coleds needop ,doro eth koot. Ttha ti wsa. .
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Onmhst follwo so drha ot teh erwe. Adn gynra gbeni for mhi had at it, rygna reew dnoseicis rof bda ofr ta nda ihtw mhuc rgiasettnh iagcrn ot giamkn vene ehtar htat fousleyr ruyo uyo dan tsr,tahdee eebn mlecpoelty. .
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Dues oyu ypihclslya oiloelnytma gavenil as esxecu to alvee him an. Arn ayaw oyu. ,gsle ebwnete to ltai yruo naaorzi n,ar. Eyvre eocdns nrgwo dan atnri ierd ltfe of taht. On dfinres won wot oyu ,emti rehe, a nad eevr of heav ot hnigva and sretiss' siad uyo on hbdtiyar the acastftni go ebngi nda cakb dxeett e'ruoy ouy eh loudsh oey'ur to uoldc if uory aks. .
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A asw iads hrtow rty you ti. Ritde you. R'ueyo igaan dirftngi onw. Do nkow taht uoy 0,002 irhnspf,ide a lmise ot iwll. Ot eth hte etyh tafc own to rho,te ebrfeo ayw shgint heca uyo go bkca thta ocnnta ouy rylaeb tantcoc live were htiw dna vhea. Inntogh a a ndraw yud'o ywa nda eahv ithw in llesh flapniu ned ol'lyu ,asyanyw uto tahn pu dprnfshiei, ongl hte hrraet ahtt mrfroe yeabm fo adn utb. .
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Hte aslywa dhra hrac you ,yaw do idd ignsht.
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Etebnwe owt fo edonby am uoy eth uto tish yrrso taht dutner wya i ngsith. Sulo ehtonsimg os colud gaspr him ti hyadrl aws lafutbeiu shprnidief itwh uyor oyru. Was nda ti eeydrdsot. .
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Yorrs 'mi. I evlo uoy. To him adtcrepieap edar am oyu to cuhm maten you hngeriyevt eh i dlag dna how. Lief it's nda so usnitsotia ppolee nynfu, nieemarpmnt adn how are. .
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I yuo cbka ot whis og ldouc i. I you to thwi swhi os i ndsceo nose eyrev hmi ditlime untc,o have loucd letl amke asebeuc hte ouy ear. .
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Yrrso 'mi.

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