September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Yuoev' iwth ouhgthr mhi eenb. L,erett with adn ti teeinr dn(a fo uoy a eht mih yb ewek to efil steb a,rf ootk n-ewokgel ryuo tlils )si a trowe orda taref sith swa hmont ,gape you tirp. Kithn sujt. . . Apge na horac, nda uyo, osmt tenrie kewe loeppe tujs olve eht twhi eth you. Klta a butoa edmra. .
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Htat itdfr frtea yuo to a tietll tesrtad bit. Tou ictugtn of mdae mrdeeb,ec yuo tduisp ot a imh doeicins wcihh eld lrate dan ihs lief yuo ni. Ielk tsju atht. Teh ngfelei i tlsil eememrbr ho,. To a ever catakt nebe 'ewev wsa eth plbyorba npica tlcssoe ti. Asw it rhcngisu. On sujt iekl ecsht eneks aws he,treab moshniegt ugeh boss oint tndluo'c uyo and usrtb uoy ewnt lla awek nad ryuo ruoy and. Yuo i ebne erwo,sh haev het uyo pievtios wdolu and not ni ot teh rundog ma nflael ahd. So asw nsosdu sacebeu it it ctdimara. .
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Vahe aiilrnzge udcol edai aevh uoy it ,own eobcem no he vnee oyu htat tnaiportm ihotwtu owh yuo to. Keli he totiwhu of akbc ruyo ni dna up ookt htera iimepsorsn ouyr ti kscun droo hteer serecedin wsa hte. Vodem fo chknsu taeutrqs ot uhge he dan ti asw hwti ktea arhet mhi and eh dnidt' nkow on ntilu dgenmaa rouy a uyo.
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Oyu hdybriat yoru mhi aws emit tlas swa eth. You lal thnsig his ihm fo bakc ookt. Dna ookt hsi cldeos epoedn bx,o rdoo dr,oo het eht he. Aws that it. .
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Eht hsontm os eewr ahrd ot fwlloo. Yrnga for elusofyr at ahd fro trhea eh,tedasrt yltlepmcoe bda eiidnsosc nhrtgestia arcign erwe oryu enbe and ngrya dan dna wiht rfo i,t ot htta ihm nkmgai neev hmuc giben uyo at. .
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Uesd eanvgli na leeav yuo ot yolmleniaot as cyaiypllsh him xscuee. Anr ayaw uyo. Nbewete ar,n g,sel ailt ouyr ot zinaroa. Rogwn rtnia nda veyre of flet htta ndseoc dier. Ot tedext osuldh ehva idsa ruyo a eht on eh,er and aighvn e'uoyr of yuo you cabk ue'oyr rhitadby nad on fi codlu eh iegbn stier'ss ska feirdns now adn reve t,emi og ot wot catiasftn you. .
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It swa ouy aids rohtw a yrt. Derit ouy. Now 'yrueo inaag trgdinif. To iemsl wnok htat oyu neiidfr,hps do lwil ,0020 a. Og torhe, the cctonat ahtt oyu yhte won ouy sngthi adn rfobee ot het aebrly caft chae ywa rwee to kcab ancotn veha twih eivl. Oerfmr pu sanyawy, fo that hells a ned beaym ni loy'lu ubt o'udy rehrta e,fshipinrd dwnra nath a heva eht ingohnt nad wya uto thiw dan nlgo alufinp. .
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,yaw uyo aylwsa drha ddi rcha tnghis od eht.
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Wto i of uoy isth enbtwee ayw rosyr gstinh otu rnudet eht ma edoynb ttah. Imegshotn mhi it oldcu aws ihtw hlaydr osul rdshipefin ibltfaeuu os prgsa uoyr rouy. Nda was ti dedytesro. .
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Syrro m'i. Olev yuo i. To dan dgla theirynveg he oyu cedapapiret enmat uyo i ot rade mhi hwo am umhc. So nad owh nnuyf, feli armepniemtn stiauntsoi dna sit' peeolp are. .
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Colud i ot go i you bkca hwis. Vhae to un,otc rae i you swih iwht oyu tlle teh meak ludoc him ildetim ndecos yerve osen cseabue i os. .
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'im ysrro.

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