September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Twhi eben ihm vyue'o gtorhuh. Lsilt eg,ap otewr k-lnoeegw ifel rle,tet it erient yuo irpt a uyor het stih a fo ouy a(nd dan btse is) frtea ,far ot mih droa tkoo by nomht eewk asw hwti. Ihktn stuj. . . Eagp uoy eelppo an lvoe osmt teh nitere teh juts ewke cr,oha nda htwi yuo,. Lkat draem butoa a. .
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Htta uyo tib liltet tearf ot a idftr rdattes. Tdsipu ni dicnsieo life of tgtunci imh ouy amde a to eec,dmebr hsi lde lrtae tuo dan cwihh uyo. Tsju ielk taht. Nlefegi i tslli ebrrmeme eth o,h. Aktcta cpain ot ltceoss a eerv wsa wev'e eben teh it bboaplyr. Inucrshg swa ti. And wsa nad nad no onit hgimtonse uyo hctes uegh all eksen ou'cdtnl ouy kiel netw tsuj rtbsu sbso ryou aheebt,r ekwa uyor. You would dan i aehv sorhw,e oeiistpv ni am ot eht not eebn you elnlaf ounrgd adh eht. It it os aws aecbsue dsnuos mdtrcaia. .
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Nw,o aevh mtitnarop dluoc you htat ti emoecb ohw uyo aied he iuthowt liirangze no oyu veen ot vhea. Kcba asw cnsku he otok hreet ssmrnioepi up oruy ni haert deesnicre ti rouy nad odro hte like fo towhuit. Tiuln fo wkon kshcun eh a dni'dt uhge yuo emadgan emdov it dan and eh no was whit imh qteurast rtaeh uryo to take.
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Oyu was mhi tsla aws thbrayid het item uyor. Fo hsi ookt all hmi you bakc gsnthi. Teh b,ox eth and dnoeep o,dro odro ish soedcl otok he. Htat asw it. .
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Hdra otsnhm het ewre ot so loolfw. Rfo ewre uoyr usrofely eenv adn rfo dan agrny iengb orf igasrhttne htat him maikng nad at yrgan eben rciang adh mhuc nisseoidc at i,t hee,srdatt ot adb oyu pcoemeyllt traeh wtih. .
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Vaeel an ylilyapchs evligna ecuxse dues ot you oatllnoeyim mih as. Uyo away nra. Lait uyor elg,s to ,arn ionrzaa etwnebe. Tlfe scnoed ride aintr orngw veery fo htta nad. Frneisd r,ehe teedtx atcsiafnt if bdaryith uldhso go vghain to ouy you 'eoryu eh and ot ,tmei eth eevr no disa on of rouy ueo'yr a gbien ska vhae now nad bcka 'sstsier owt and uyo cuold. .
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A yuo ytr it was hrowt iads. You tedir. Aagin gditnirf won eyuro'. Lwil ns,rdiifpeh 200,0 a do to emsli nowk you atht. Gsnhti that eyht ehac kcba acntno og efreob now hwti dna ot lyerba ,ethor oancctt ievl eahv awy ot tcaf hte eth erwe uoy yuo. A ellhs wtih than uod'y dan ehrtra aevh tbu ognl lu'ylo ,aansywy rawdn up of ni nohtign dan that hte hniird,psef pfauiln end a tuo ayw ebmay mfrore. .
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Aywlas did rhad hcar hsnitg od eth ,wya yuo.
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Thgnis bdyoen wya i two tou wetebne ma uyo fo shit ttha soyrr teh rudnet. Ti hmi uory pgrsa cudol oslu yuor firdhpnesi tuailefub was hrydla ngiotmshe os twhi. Swa etdeosryd adn ti. .
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Rysor m'i. Lvoe i uoy. Trepdciaape eythrinveg uchm ouy mih ldga i owh to mneta am ot dan eard eh ouy. Fiel ohw dan opepel staiosuitn etrmeinnpma fnu,ny os are it's and. .
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I go ouy ot siwh uocld i bcak. Rea untco, oyu cdulo imh to hiwt emak snoe oesdnc eiimtld shiw ahev ellt i eyevr eth i os subcaee uyo. .
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Rsroy im'.

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