September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Hwti eben rhghuot mih yuvo'e. Eap,g mhi you teh prit ryou you ti oard ietren ilef aws adn( trefa to a took rfa, adn by eewk tshi tetl,re sltil erowt btse ohmtn a of s)i ekleng-wo tiwh. Jtus tnihk. . . The wthi smot egap na a,hocr eiernt het you, utsj oevl opleep weke uyo dna. Raemd klat a btuao. .
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Tath earft ibt uoy ielttl a esadrtt to fdtri. Eadm ebmrcde,e eilf mhi ihs cwhih ni ltear fo doisinec edl out to a cgnttiu nda you suitdp ouy. Taht ilke tjsu. Stlil ielnfge i ,ho mrerbeme het. Pianc the soeslct weev' alorbbpy rvee a swa ti ackatt to eneb. Wsa singcuhr ti. Thignoesm noit uory utbrs eikl uoy nwte dna lal cdtlun'o yoru and gehu and wsa hte,rbae eshtc ssob knsee jtsu yuo kawe no. Nebe eth to dha ugodnr eth i ni uoy haev itpiseov fallne ohe,rsw ton am dlwuo uyo nda. Besucae ndusos tacmadri it swa ti so. .
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Eemcbo ot it he veha on,w ohw ouy you htat ehva udclo you ziilnerga adie ihtouwt toiarptnm eenv no. Saw ryou tkoo kcba elki ti oyur in hrete he emopsiirsn nda snceidree rdoo rhate up cuksn fo whtuoti teh. Suhcnk to dan imh i'tddn gadnmae adn on ktae ulitn fo a ryou asw emodv gueh uyo ti he esqatrut eh wkon with heatr.
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Hdiyrtab yoru hmi was saw teh you satl eimt. Oyu nigths him all okto hsi fo bcka. Shi roo,d box, eht het peendo koot dna he orod deslco. Wsa htat ti. .
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Hte oolflw to otnshm ahdr reew os. Inkmga abd uhmc eneb dna enev egnbi hitw rfo hmi rewe and ta nsiscoedi ta nyarg ot ouyr rgainc freoyusl adh rof arteh ti, dna lolepyemtc thsate,rde rgayn taht rfo nehigarstt you. .
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Vneiagl ueds to na veale tlaonmlioye uxeesc as uoy cslyiayphl mhi. Nar oyu wyaa. Beetewn ,lesg na,r to rouy rnzoiaa tali. Eevry rwogn ncdseo nitar nad edri tfel hatt fo. Owt tafctnasi of eth no hrdytabi kas isad dna oury uoy oyu codul engbi dan eh dan ot veha to 'rsisset evre mite, won no uoy og o'yeru youe'r ohluds etdtxe a if cabk iefdsnr vihgna reh,e. .
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Wtrho idas a ti rty ouy saw. Eitdr yuo. Igrdfint niaag wno eo'yur. To ttha uyo a do msiel ,epirhndisf 020,0 lwli okwn. Ivle tihw het ,herto eahv orbeef were ot wya sthngi go htta yuo ouy and now to atncno nccttao ryaelb cbak htye het tafc echa. Ofrrem ,pndfhesrii a tou earrht lu'oyl an,syywa wthi pu ni a rwnda nhat dan hells ognl den hniotgn vhae ttah bymea uy'do dan eth ywa afiulnp of tbu. .
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Dhar od rhca hte ouy aslway ddi ngstih y,aw.
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Oyu i eht rysro fo hits nwbeeet ma otw endurt wya ondybe tou ttha ginths. Oldcu iwth oyru ayldrh mitohesgn nrsidfphei eiulfaubt rpsga uosl ryou so ti mih was. It swa estedodyr adn. .
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Rryos mi'. I lvoe ouy. Drea dna to i to ouy who uyo am eh hmuc dtpeceapiar emant dgal imh egiyvternh. And tsi' nstioiaust lfei pepoel woh adn fnn,yu rea so pnmineamter. .
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Go i ouy to i ocudl kcba swih. Ltdmiie aer oyu imh i to hte so hwsi vhea kema nseo uon,ct scneod i etll sebeauc thiw verey ulcod you. .
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Rsory i'm.

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