September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Itwh enbe oev'yu trghhuo mih. Iwth eotwr eekw was ltsli of oge-lewkn sthi fiel roda dan yb pgea, toko het it tbes a oyu (nda eatfr a uyo rtip ttee,lr is) oruy entire ,far mih ot honmt. Nktih just. . . Peag rh,aco tjus eekw popele the oy,u an omts you vleo adn itwh eht itreen. A rdaem btoau lkat. .
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Ot tbi ttha etiltl datetrs aeftr uyo dritf a. Of incgtut shi to lefi edl a aedm ni pudsit cwhhi trlea uyo ouy dna him scodinei tuo cdeebe,rm. Ekli juts that. Tlils i het neeflgi beememrr h,o. Veew' enbe tcktaa aryopbbl ti a tsseclo canpi erev teh ot was. Saw it ungscrih. Was enske b,rtaehe wake no yuo just lal otin hscet dna adn lkie twen nghmsoite ryou 'lotnudc bsrut ssob uyo ryuo huge dna. Eo,shrw ton ehva ma eenb oyu wodul hte nda rondgu eiovistp i the uoy ellnaf hda to ni. So it tcdramai sdouns csabeeu ti saw. .
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Yuo own, uclod thta yuo ti ot aehv rtnimtaop he neve eadi ilgnraeiz htowtui eemobc who on you avhe. Back neerdceis door fo theer okto ni he oyur it up kiel ncsku rehta yuro adn the was esrpiomins tohtwui. Saw ouy keat hraet he fo qstaurte eh endmaag itlnu a domve wkon hmi on dan whti uyro 'idtdn nad heug ukhcsn ti ot.
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Hte lsat aws uroy swa uyo mhi teim airdtbhy. Sihgtn lla mhi ktoo bcak yuo ish fo. Door took hsi dan xbo, neoepd the het lodsec eh or,do. Htat saw ti. .
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To ahdr mnhtos rewe oofwll eht os. Tarhe cidisoens ryou mhuc at to dan thta nda orf inegb abd hmi fro gnirac had and dehtea,tsr rof at eocltlmpye wree arygn giankm veen louysref nbee uyo eiganhttrs wtih t,i raygn. .
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Inelvga him ot uoy xeuecs spyhlailyc an edus as elvae eynomtoilal. Aywa uyo arn. Eetenbw s,leg rn,a ot liat uoyr zaornai. Rogwn ocends ired tath flet rinat nad fo eyver. T,iem binge enrsdfi tsatifacn to edtetx iasd he oyu dna ask onw avgnhi nad 'tsrsesi oyu no on nda two ,rehe eht you dtybrhia yoru uslohd abkc og ot a of haev uroe'y clodu 'uoeyr if rvee. .
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A yrt asw rotwh dais oyu it. Oyu tdrie. Anaig wno rniigtfd eoyr'u. Thta a lliw yuo wkno smeli to od drhiisfe,np 02,00. You het ielv go ckab het nda were tcoanct thwi eofbre hety ttha to sntghi t,hroe acft vahe nnatco aeblyr won ache ot yaw yuo. Iotghnn dnpsf,hriei ebaym onlg tou ned 'oyud nrdaw fo 'louly hvae a and pu in whti awynys,a nad a ywa taht foemrr the trarhe nhta ifuplan tub hsell. .
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Achr ddi uyo ayalws w,ya hte radh od sgnhti.
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I etbneew srory of shti yoednb am het tow thta isnhtg yaw rtdune uot yuo. Inepisfhdr ryuo ucold was yhldar luos ti oyur os mih hgeomistn hwti uuetbialf gsapr. Aws dan it ydedsrteo. .
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Osrry 'mi. Uoy i evlo. Imh ma apacredeitp i oyu drae to how and to egtinheyrv mante eh umch lgad yuo. Stitusinoa dan dan eetmniprnma eelppo so 'sit ynnf,u era feli who. .
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Siwh odclu ckba go i ouy ot i. I ones mih yuo rae i the to twhi os ,otnuc eeyrv akme hswi ilemidt cdlou ndosce tlle ouy veha acuebse. .
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Orrsy im'.

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