September 2011

Peaceful right?

Hey, kiddo. So, you just wrote a letter to yourself the day before you wrote this one, but since they're coming a month apart, I doubt you would have even remembered that if I didn't tell you. Something I do wonder if you remember, though, is how you were feeling back in the beginning of September 2010. Probably not...you don't tend to think of these things until they're pointed out, which is completely okay. I mean, I'd rather know you were living in the present than being stuck in the past. Anyways, you weren't even really sure how to approach this subject, because you felt like you were teetering on the edge of something that could either be amazing or heartbreaking. You knew you weren't ready yet to be heartbroken again, and that was the only thing that kept you from just taking the plunge. Well, no it wasn't. Okay, so here we go: Every time you spent time with Roach, he grew to be a more and more important person in your life. You grew to like him more and more. But you weren't ready to acknowledge that feeling, or even really think a whole lot about it, because you didn't trust yourself not to get obsessive again. It was such a complicated feeling, because you felt like you were restraining yourself so much, because of how completely important it was to you that he stay in your life. I think you finally understand the meaning of not wanting to screw up a friendship, because yours with him is so ridiculously amazing that you can't bear the thought of it not existing in the same way. It was totally worth suppressing your feelings to experience this friendship. I hope you still feel that way. Well, actually, I hope that he is still in your life in some way. Whether it be in the same feeling-suppressing friendship way, or whether it's something more, when you wrote this, he was so important to you that you hardly contained the words to describe it. It was all a little dramatic, really, and though you weren't quite as dramatic as you used to be, it felt familiar and exciting at the same time. I love you, hon. Sorry to babble your ear off about old things. I typically don't write to you like this, but it's good to have a private place to hash out my feelings.

Epilogue

about 17 hours later

Dear lovely wonderful self,

I could cry reading this letter because I know what is in store for your future with Roach and it breaks my heart to remember what...

Rgotuhh nbee mhi with uveyo'. Elif road ti was ,trelet sltli ar,f ihm wkee a gpae, )si ftear fo uoy reotw ptri by -ngkoewel a tiwh yuo to hits tbse your ietenr otok eth (nda nda mntho. Nkith ustj. . . Oevl sjut pelope aepg eth ekwe tiwh reteni smto eht uoy hao,rc and oyu, na. A bouta tlka armed. .
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Featr to rsedtta ritdf a bti littel uoy ttah. Ihhcw d,eemecrb flie made mhi iusdtp del a ni ihs out cnutigt to yuo adn fo isdcnieo uoy tlear. Elki htat ustj. Hte ,ho lstli rrmemebe i ifegnel. Was cpnai catkta het it we'ev evre a bnee babrplyo tscsole ot. Swa urignsch it. Otni gehu kseen you ct'dolnu boss and uyo nmistehgo keli ubtsr on hetsc hrbeate, wetn your wkae just nad yrou all dan aws. W,hoser am elnfal adh nto lwodu i eth in eth eistvoip dna oyu dgnour uyo enbe vahe to. It asw dticarma euasebc it duosns os. .
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Uodlc omcebe huwtito oyu amitropnt it htta yuo uoy ot adei heav wno, on he aveh hwo gnizerlai enve. Ouyr it lkei nad door ruoy toko pu psoinisrem wotuith ni rtahe fo wsa seirneecd het terhe eh cakb ucksn. Him hegu knwo rehat amgenad mdoev tkae no adn earttusq fo yrou ot ti dan eh cnhuks iwth nutli a i'ntdd saw eh uyo.
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Uyo swa time aslt uryo tiryabdh ihm het wsa. Nihgst his fo hmi ootk lla oyu akcb. Dneeop ktoo nad ihs oodr sloced the oxb, ord,o hte eh. Ti ttah swa. .
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Oflwol eerw ot hard hte tnohms os. Nda e,resttdah ratsneihtg oyur dna and humc htwi ouy ebne adh ehrta i,t at for ibegn rof nayrg tath at eoidcssin olmtepyecl hmi raicgn luroyfes amkgin yrgna dab ofr veen eerw ot. .
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Ot aeelv xcuese oyomeilanlt uoy as nlagvei an ypcliayshl him sude. Ouy anr waay. Oyur ot r,na zarnoai eetewnb lita sgel,. Hatt deri nad fo denocs rgnwo evyre irtan tefl. Em,it eirsts's aks fo sida oyu actnisaft iengb fi on ever otw vaeh ouy adn hr,ee wno eor'uy tdtexe your go ot uodcl ot anigvh trdiaybh het sreindf eh rouy'e back dan oyu on nda a ulshod. .
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Ti hwort you isad yrt wsa a. Uoy tdeir. Yer'uo now fniidgtr aniga. Do irdph,nsife 020,0 atth a limes wnok ot ouy lliw. Nwo etor,h eahc dna gtsnhi rfboee wree abck ot awy yhet og lyrbae htta het you onnact to vahe eht uyo ielv catncto twhi fcat. Rfemor radwn a atnh adn of nad end in nionthg eth a slleh ymeba veah ,ysnwaya odyu' iafpuln terhra btu dse,hipnifr tou ayw wiht 'lluyo atht nlgo pu. .
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Hgsnti ,ywa eht rdha od ouy acrh awlysa did.
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Wya i ouy am erdtun itnhsg of hsti owt tou nebydo rsyro ttha nbeeewt teh. So ulso iuleuftab saw yuro osnmegiht luodc lhadyr hmi yuro wtih rgpsa it pfnhrsdeii. Saw esoyddret nad ti. .
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Im' osyrr. Elvo i you. Adre ma eh oyu to iytngrveeh mhi adn manet edtcaipeapr dlag i you to how chum. Os yunn,f is't owh iontaisust nda empnairntme nad are efli elppoe. .
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Ot yuo og bkca i i ihws duloc. Aemk reyve i evha seon miiledt het ntcou, him era twhi llte hswi ucold i so uoy uyo csueeba ot dnesco. .
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Soyrr 'im.

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