A letter from January 23rd, 2020

Dear Divya, I hope you are in better place now. I don't know if it will ever reach you but if you make it through and are able read it now just know that maybe 16 year old Divya wasn't what 10 year old Divya would have wanted but you are exactly what 16 year old Divya wanted and loved. Even if the times are tough please don't give up. I know you probably think nobody loves you and feel like a piece of **** but remember that girl in mirror filled with hopes of achieving a Ph.D, she doesn't love anyone other than you and been loving you since the day she was born. Tell me how does it feel like getting advice from a ******* 16 year old, *****?? I don't know where you are. Probably in Med school flourishing, struggling or dead. I don't care where, just live in peace or die in that case but let's hope for the best like you did when waiting for results to come out to find out if you made it to Batch 1. Remember Kavisha??? Are you still in touch with her?? She was your first legit internet friend after all. What about your real life friends?? Do you have people you can put your trust and effort into or that plan did not go as expected?? I don't know why I am asking you these questions since I don't think you will travel back in time and answer me but you know I am just following the standard rules. It's kinda cringe though that we are having this at moment one sided conversation like some sort of coming out of age movie. I mean yeah. This is supposed to be important so I am going to go back on the track. Remember in 8th grade when you burnt your entire right leg?? Are you still that stupid?? Don't tell me you turned out to be a heavy drinker or something. I'd be pretty disappointed honestly that you did that to your health. What about love and stuff like that?? Are you still convinced that "Love is just a reaction given by certain parts of brain like Amygdala and Hypothalamus so that Mother Nature can make us stupidly intelligent humans breed and let our species continue."?? I'd be pretty amazed if you have a girlfriend and boyfriend right now. Because sitting here on my bed looking at the mirror, I don't think it's possible but maybe you turned out smart and pretty. Since that topic popped up, have you told your parents/ friends about you being bi?? Are you out and proud?? or are you still in the closet?? Or maybe, just maybe it all just really turned out to be a phase?? "This dream isn't feeling sweet We are reeling through the midnight streets And have never felt more alone It feels so scary, getting old" Remember this?? I hope you do. I hope you remember things I find important today. I, quite frankly, don't know what to say to you that would make sense. I know you are smarter than me. You are 21 for Mother Nature's sake. You know so much more. You are smarter and better. Who am I infront of you? I am listening to "Ribs"by lorde and probably going to listen to Troye Sivan after this while solving Chemical Bonding and Digestion & Absorption because that's on test this Sunday. I will probably cry tonight and wake up and go to classes tomorrow. There's nothing I can tell you that would be interesting or that you don't know already. It's me, the younger you that you probably cringe about now. I don't know why I am writing this but I just want you to know that I L O V E YOU. I love you and I believe in you. I wholeheartedly believe that you will get that Ph.D, that you will treat so many patients and put an end to their suffering. I believe that you will grow up to be this amazing woman I have always wanted to become. I don't give two ***** about any thing else. I am proud of you to make it through 21 years of life with the ****** parents, friends and life you had. Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I love you. Yours and only yours, Divya