A letter from January 18th, 2020

Hey Deja, happy 25th birthday! First of all, I hope you’re alive to read this and if you’re reading this I would like to applaud you! I’m so proud of you that you’ve made it to be 25 years old. If you’re confused, this is Deja from 2020, currently 19! Remember when we wrote a letter to ourselves 5 years from then? Well, you’re who we were writing to! I just want to start off with this; How does it feel to be 25? I couldn’t even begin to imagine what we would be doing. You’re probably thinking, “Wow.” It feels like time barely passed, and suddenly we are 6 years older! We’re no longer in school, so yay! We made it passed that hard part. Are you in college, or graduated college? What college did we end up going to? You know we always wanted to go to college in Utah, wonder where you went. What is your job? (I hope you have one, haha). I hope we did turn out to be an animator. If you’re reading this, I want to let you know that I am going to do my best for the time being to keep some old sketchbooks from now and in the past so you can recap on how far we’ve come when you read this. Do you have a car? I know we always wanted to get our first car, specifically a Minicooper or a smart car. I hope we got one! Cherish that baby! Its a work of art, I bet. Do you have any kids? OMGGG, that would be so crazy if you did. Right now, we don’t really care much to have a baby, so that’s exciting if you do! Whether you are pregnant or already have one, I’m so happy! Between you and me, I hope it was a girl, BUT I know you’d love them regardless of their gender haha. What’s their names? Can’t wait to get to that point to meet them. I bet they would be beautiful and talented. Do you have a significant other? Do you still feel like you don’t want to be with anyone? Are they a girl, guy, etc? How old are they, and what are they like? I hope we have a keeper. :( I hope you’re married too. Better not have kids before getting married lol. xD Are we still overweight? Right now, January 18, 2020 we are 290 pounds. It always gave you anxiety knowing that you were 10 pounds away from being 300, but remember you never had the motivation to lose weight or practice better habits. I hope and pray that you’ve found the motivation to lose weight. I just seriously hope you’re in a place where you feel more confident and happy. Where do you live? Honestly, I hope we ended up in Utah or Washington :). How are you feeling? I want you to be happy. We’ve struggled with depression for so long, I hope the war is over. Sorry for the interrogation! I’m just excited that I get the chance to talk to us 5 years from now. It’s my turn, now. I wanted to tell you how i’m feeling. Right now, I’m not sure how I feel. I feel bipolar. I can be upbeat, loud, and happy, then one small thing happens and my day is ruined. I get extremely sad over small things. Mom is still mistaking my depression for having ‘attitudes’. I’m still traumatized because of what our brothers did to us when we were younger. I’m still not comfortable speaking with older men. I still feel very antisocial and feel anxiety when speaking to new people. I am still a recluse. I still have no motivation to lose weight or do my schoolwork or want better for myself. Everyday I feel like a train wreck that’s bound to crash at any moment. Every single day, I feel like i ruin myself even more, and think that suicide is better than fixing the problems that I cause. Which is why i really hope that you are reading this by now. I just feel hopeless, like I ruin everything for myself and I am setting myself up to fail in life. Right now, I don’t know what to do besides hope that by the time you read this, you figured it out. I hope you’re not with Blake. We keep thinking we’ll come around and be with him again, but I hope you’re not still holding on by that worthless thread. I hope we have found someone better than him. Is Royal still in our lives? Do we still allow Royal to take over? Anyways, I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. What I do know is that I love you. My words may not match our brain, but I mean it. Our brain right now is shrouded by a thick dark cloud that is producing a storm that is blinding our way out of it. However, I do have the ability to say the right and positive thing, even if we think otherwise. I love you so much, more than words can describe. I just hope that you’re living well and doing well- That you’re doing what you want, and living life the way you want it. I hope you’re not living in discomfort, but rather living comfortably. I love you, and once again happy birthday. I hope you have many more to come. Bye bye for now. -Deja, January 18, 2020. <3