A letter from January 14th, 2020

Dear Me, I got the first of the "time-capsule diary" letters a few days ago. It wasn't as sad as I expected, so that's good. I know I tended to be pretty self-pitying in high school. Keep in mind as you read the rest of this letter, that I'm not writing anything with self-pity in my mind, and that what I'm struggling with now I have no doubt I'll overcome. But here's what I'm struggling with: Isaac has just gotten accepted to Ohio State. He just got offered an interview in Hawaii. He just presented there, along with Zoe, who's sponsored by Harvard and the Smithsonian. My other friends in Deans are no doubt well on their way with their research. And meanwhile, I've had several applications for several positions at Accenture, NASA, and IBM already rejected, with no interview. I have an interview scheduled for Success Academy in New York on the 21st, the first day of classes, but somehow I doubt that's where I'll be a year from now. I feel that nothing on my resume is popping out to potential employers (or their resume-reading algorithms), and I cannot summon the enthusiasm or passion needed for my cover letters, so I may as well be submitting my applications to an electronic paper shredder. I have no doubt I'm qualified to work at Accenture alongside Zoe and Turan, but it's like there's a huge brick wall I just can't hop over. I missed all the on-campus events, and I feel like I'm late to the game. It was the same way with college applications four years ago. Once again, I know I'm smart and qualified, and just not living up to my potential. I quit Deans, I didn't travel to another state to present the research I gave up on, and I spent all my summers right in Austin instead of at prestigious REUs. I'm good, but only vaguely, without any concrete, marketable skills. How do you get through a physics degree without being employable? I know I'm exaggerating, and I have no doubt I'll work something out. It just seems like I haven't done enough to prove myself, and yet I've burnt myself out every single ******* semester. Why do I feel like a burnout next to my peers? Some good things: I've been running, and I'm doing better than I did last year. Today I ran for 28 minutes straight, and I should be running a 5K in a week. I'm figuring out my schedule for the next semester and I'm building in time to keep working out. I hope I keep it up. Maybe I'll run a marathon one day. My skin is soft, and even though I weigh the most I've ever weighed, it's all muscle and I look great. I'm going to Portland tomorrow to see Marley. I'm very excited! I miss her so much. Other things I've done this winter break: - Uncle Bruce's wedding: I hit it off with Gavin, and we talked about music and physics for the whole dinner. He's very tall and a little weird. - Quebec: Well, Meg and I never made it there because I spun out on the highway and crashed into the guardrail in the middle of New Hampshire. That night Meg and I drank and smoked a lot and Dad was very upset with us the next day when he found her throwing up in the hotel room. We're okay now. - Flahrida: Not as terrible as other years! I ran a lot. - Cayman Islands: The plan was Puerto Rico but the earthquake happened so Mom found a resort in Grand Cayman at the last minute. She did a GREAT job. It was stunning there. I think it was the best family vacation I've had, because for once I didn't spend the entire time being cranky at Mom. We're doing really great right now. next stop: portland! I've been listening to a lot of Post Malone. Whatever you're up to now, I hope it's fulfilling. I hope it's meaningful. I hope you have time for your hobbies and passions. I hope you figure out what your passions are. Love you, You