A letter from December 21st, 2019

Dear FutureMe, A lot has changed since you first wrote to me in 2012; I didn't continue my post-secondary courses at CapU but went for practical job experience instead, which helped me shape out what I wanted to do tremendously. I got training in a prep kitchen and a security office, which lead to me being hired by Pine Environmental as a CSR and I really enjoy the work, despite the ups and downs of the job. At home, we went through a purge of materials around 2013/2014, so the home you knew was effectively gutted of possessions, but I don't mind it. Mom's health problems continued to rise; she has diabetes and diverticulitis, which make it really tough on her, so she has a lot of meds, and depending on how she is, she sticks with the diet so-so. She's still in the process of the accident legalwork with Jim Hansen, and trying to get schooling with Mabel, but she's 55 (can you believe I'm 25 when I right this? Man, life continues to move), so it might be hard for her to get education and a job. It's funny you mention Baba, dude. My relationship with my dad has gotten better, we're in each other's lives more often, moreso me allowing myself to take part in Baba's life, as I was scared of him, but I'm understanding he's just a man, a guy like a lot of others, and that he cares about me. It's Saturday, December 21, 2019, and I'm lying in bed writing to both the past and future me after having a dream where I needed to help Joe with something at Pine; I don't believe dreams are from God, moreso your mind thinking things through, but it's interesting. Back to me, I'm rambling - yeah, I have gotten leaner, making good health choices of sticking to good foods of whole wheat no sug/no salt PB wraps, a banana, an apple, chicken parm or beans along with vegetables and water, and it's been working, which is the largest part of my change, as I don't often walk as much. Even when it's cold, eating a right diet helps you lose weight, so it's cool. At our largest, we were 365 lbs, and are currently at 315.6 lbs, 2.6 lbs up from my lowest. I get bursts of wanting to eat snack food or sweets, but not as often, and being full with the good stuff helps keep that down too. Your skin conditions kind of started taking over, you're fighting them but they're pretty strong. What else, I would say you also ship-shaped your family budget into order, you personally got out of debt, but for the most part it was Baba, Grandma, and Grandpa, along with the tax return that did it, you just didn't take on as much water because you were working so they could be more effective. With your family, every once in a while you connect with Charles (he prefers that to Uncle Charles lol), Brïtt, and Melia, who's growing so tall you wonder if she'll be his height. There's also their dog, Glen, you were puppysitting a while before you went to work at Pine, that dog was a bit of a handful with the puppy runs (read: fish on land jumping). You hang with Laz still, not as often with Grandma and Grandpa, which hurts, but you call and email on occasion. Talking about work, 2012 me, you didn't know what you wanted to do, let me tell you what I enjoy: it's not writing, that's a side dish at most, a flavour. It's actually working in a team, communicating and combatting problems together. When everyone is helping each other out, it's great. You also learned how to take a large amount of information given to you needed for a job and break it down in your head to wrap your head around it to understand. You don't mind talking on the phone as long as the conversations are shorter, but you really enjoy helping people and making them laugh. You really also enjoy talking with people about what they like, it's really fun. Your life of faith is also interesting. In 2019, you began going to a Bible study run by Janet, as you were invited by Lucy, that really opened your eyes on what was not taught correctly about the Bible, using only the Bible to understand the Bible, while also realizing that a lot of sources of what you used to get Christian teachings from (NSAC, Dr. Charles Stanley, etc.) were not correct, so you stopped going and stopped listening to those sources while you studied and retained the word. However in November this year, you did not do so well mentally, you were mentally drained, and not doing so well as it looked like we would dip right back into debt, that Mom was choosing to enjoy herself with food moreso than get better, and myself thinking I would need to help Mom for the rest of her life. And on top of this, I was, and still am, dealing with pornography, and breaking the covenant, and because of this I distanced myself from the group and went into a bad place. "If I can't keep God's covenant, what's the purpose of living?" I was diagnosed with depression (also you were misdiagnosed with ADHD in 2013 so yeah, that too, along with cognitive burnout mixed with anxiety and depression in 2014/2015) and was prescribed therapy. It's quite expensive, so I'm not sure what I'll end up doing, but I will go for it eventually. I need to, as I feel so tired and drained of life things and overall feel off not being in the group anymore and just feel not really present. There's one other thing, and I feel hesitant on talking about, but you and your inner self have had experience with it, and I really don't know if it's just a psychological thing of desperately looking for someone to accept you, or it just manifests at a later age(?), but you like girls, and maybe not girls. And also remember those dreams you'd have where you're a princess bringing peace? Switch those out with actually being a girl. Again, it may just be a desperate attempt, but understand that these things are here. Not really related as well, your anger has flared over the years at times, but you also know to communicate peacefully as well. This Christmas, we're going to Tito Frank and Tita Cheryl's place for Christmas brunch, and not doing the Boxing day reunion, favouring the summer reunion better. Things are changing, you are too. So, Fri/Dec. 19/25, or Sat/Dec. 20/25, whenever you get to reading this, what has changed? What are you happy about? Has Mom gotten better? How is Laz and Baba? Grandma and Grandpa? Wonder what Fionn is up to as well. What can we be doing better? Have we come across some new interests, were they interested in us? Have we continued to slim down? Are we back with the study group again? Are you okay, do you feel okay, or am I not going to actually read this email in the future? That, I really hope is not the case, but I have no bearing on what happens in the future. With whatever I can give you in this moment, I care about you, although maybe not in the best ways I should. But maybe to give you a hug. -Josh from 2019