A letter from December 2nd, 2019

Dear 29 Year Old Keenan, I’m currently 23, living at 753 St. Clarens Ave and am on the verge of dropping out and fully changing my life, my career path and my future. I’m absolutely unsure where I’ll end up in 6 years, and I genuinely have no inkling of an idea which avenues of life I’ll find myself engaged in and walking down. Why am I dropping out? My academic history has always been peppered with failures and lies. I’ve never felt equal to any of my peers, and each time I gained an equal footing with any of them I felt as though I had pulled a fast one and conned my way up to greet them. Through F’s followed by A’s followed by C’s and D’s I never felt like I ever had the hang of my school endeavours, and that the foundation of knowledge I was trying to build upon was becoming shakier and shakier, and my suspicions that the education system was just passing me along from course to course, prof to prof, year to year to simply leach tuition money from me became stronger and stronger. There’s something to be said for my inability to relate to any of my peers or acquire friends within my field which contributed to my alienated feelings, but I truly believe my peers and I were cut from a different cloth, and while I know different people can create beautiful work when brought together with different people and personalities, I always felt my individual nature and uniqueness to be a daunting weight upon my shoulders, and I didn’t have the energy to try to champion the qualities that make me Me in a field overwhelmingly filled with people who are Others. I’m sure my feelings of isolation and underrepresentation are felt more extremely and profoundly be people within minority communities, but this layer of knowledge also makes me feel worse about myself. From where I stand, I can only see people doing much better than me, or people who are struggling through much worse than me, so my struggles seem comparatively inconsequential. Thus, here I am: not doing well enough, yet also not unique enough to feel that my feelings of isolation actually need to be acknowledged or rectified. So I’m fading away and fading out of the academic stadium. I’ve also always hated how competitive the field is, how little pay I could ever hope for, and how minuscule my chances of having a steady career or home and family life would be since my studies would drag me around the world on short term contract work which could never allow me to establish a home life until I’m well into my 40’s. But these issues never truly troubled me beyond my feelings of separation from my peers and colleagues. I always felt that I could nobly suffer for my research and sustain my existence through my passionate studies which would consume me and become all that I am. But clearly, I am other things than my research alone. Where do I think I’ll go? From here... I’m not sure. I recently bought a drawing tablet, an embroidery kit, silk screening chemicals, a stick and poke tattoo kit, a photoshop subscription and I’ve taken a pottery course. It seems I’m being drawn into the worlds of art and visual design, but there’s also a nagging feeling that I’m ignoring a separate part of myself, the parts that love computers and coding and physics and astronomy, but I feel as though I need to let it take me for a while. Even if this proves to be just a stent into the art world, I know in my soul that it’s something I at least need to try before I grow old and unable. Apart from that? I’m unsure, I’ve grown to love rock climbing, and I wish to learn more rope techniques and abilities, but all of my active and adventurous hobbies are held in a tenuous balance as the looming reality of future concussions hangs over my head. My inner child yearns for adventure and activity, but my actions as a teenager have weakened my constitution and ability to make mistakes in my physical endeavours without serious consequences. And of my mental health? Well, it’s not good, I fear that my inability to process stresses and failures and verbally convey my emotional state has left me at a disadvantage for all paths I wish to walk down in life. Will I seek out help for these issues? That again is a question I’m unsure about, without the safety net of health insurance provided by my university I’m unsure if it’s a cost I’ll be able to accommodate. And yet, what around you is making you happy? In this strange and frightening and pivotal period of my life, I’ve found myself surrounded by people who love me. My roommates: Kirsten, Colleen and MItch are all incredibly warm and supportive, and my partner Ana has the ability to break down and through some of my emotional walls, and I feel like I’ve opened up to her more than I have to anybody else in my past. And, it would be inexcusable to not mention my absolute rock: Apollo. He has impacted and benefited my life in ways that only a beloved pet companion is able to. Along with these human companions, I’m also enjoying many new hobbies and pastimes like DnD with Josh and Dylan, music with Ana, and my many art interests with myself. So, will I follow a path in art? In coding? Maybe in the field of psychology and mental health care? Become a competitive climber? Will I use my time to play and create meaningless fun games with friends like a DnD campaign? Help Ana create music and join her in success? Fall back into the academic realm, or maybe something new that I haven’t tried or considered yet? To these questions, I have no answer. I am here, I am alive, and I am 23. I have no answers to what my future holds, and surprisingly (and shockingly) I have no viable guesses either. I am adrift. Or maybe in a wooded area, with many paths outstretched ahead of me. I’m unsure where I’ll go, which one I’ll follow, and whether any will lead anywhere that I have in mind. But I know I’m willing to walk. And I know I’m willing to step forward. To you, 29 Year Old Keenan, although I don’t think you’ll have much more figured out or understood for certain, I wish you all the best, and I truly hope you are well. With Love, 23 Year Old Keenan.