From the past

Dear Evelyn, "When the goings get tough, the tough keep going". I'm having major issues with that right now, which is why I compromised and decided to tell you it, hoping maybe that'll make up for not doing it now. If that makes sense. I hope your toughing out med school, when I can't even tough out a chem test. I hope to write tons of these, so I get them every month or so when I'm older. I'd love that. I cannot wait to get the first one. Its summer time now, and Calgary looks lovely, for once. I have major issues with all weather I've realized. I like it cold, but not too cold. I like it warm, but not too hot. Spring is nice though, a relief from all that windchill and cold feet. And waking up in the morning shivering. I hope hope hope hope I'm out of here. I hope I got out of here. You know, I also hope everyone else got out of here too. Where is everyone? I mean, my everyone. I'm sure you have a different everyone, but I'd like to know mine. Well, yours too. But irrelevant to me now. I hope Carmen is fixed and okay, and somewhere warm and happy, with me preferably. And then Jeremy. You probably haven't talked to him in ages, but I hope he got out of Calgary, found something to do, and succeeded against his own odds. I hope I helped. I'm thinking he'll be the one in high school I'll remember. Unless something extra amazing comes along, but it's me were talking about, I doubt it. Something amazing will eventually come along, I'm hoping. Hope hope hope. It's all we have. Kalana sang Hallelujah last night. What happens to him? I love knowing that when you read this, you will know more than me. That is nice. I want to know. I wonder if me and him ever see each other again, if we ever get together. Just a thought, that keeps recurring. But it's all irrelevant now, isn't it? That's not what matters from high school, marks is all I have to show for it. And I'm abandoning them to email myself. Well, you. You aren't really me, not really. I wonder if you're that different from me. I'm sitting in my room in Calgary, waiting for Glee to come on, I have a novel study paper due this thursday (its tuesday) and a chemistry test. Jeremy is in a bad mood every single day. Carmen is leaving soon. I'm in a terrible mood just in general for the last 2 weeks or something awful like that. It's May. Trees are turning green, the GRASS is turning green! I went down to the river the other day with Shadow. I rode my bike and got my first summer scratches. I cried in front of Jeremy the other day, just cried sitting in a field with ants crawling over my feet and a tree behind me. How weird. I'm taking pills for that. My room is messy, I have no summer clothes. Would you like to read Kalana's poem? I lost the sun I can still see the sun, When the night steals her sky, When her light fades from fire, And the bitter night wind, Sends her far, far from here. But I know where to find her. The stars flicker bright, Proud as they were. They don’t know why they’re here. But they’ve followed, the silvering moon, They follow her blindly with lights in their eyes, They dance to her tune and drink of the night. The sun wants to dance, Take a sip of the night, Feel the blackness surround her, Let it swallow her whole. But she knows she cannot go, So she’ll search the skies forever, Till she finds a place the night can’t take from her. But I am just a passing cloud, And the night is far too strong. So I’ll watch the moon with longing, Knowing, knowing the light I see, Comes truly from the sun I love, So I’ll dream of all her warmth, But she’ll never rise again for me. In a way, I hope it's about me. I feel self-centered all the time, that timeless guilt making us all divert from our instinctual self-preservation. We're watching the Matrix in English. I've always loved the idea of an English class. It's lovely. I wonder what Providence looks like right now. Probably way nicer than this. Definitely. Kalana just called me! Okay. Later now. Just watched glee and talked on the phone with Kalana for ages. I hope things are good wherever you are, I'm sure you've figured things out. I hope you've figured things out. If you have, you are beyond amazing. So lets say I have very little faith that you've figured things out. Just so you don't feel bad when you haven't. Have a nice day! Love, Me.