A letter from April 27th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, If you receive this, high chance you're still alive I just kinda think I will die on 20/08/2026 or sooner . I don't know why but I'm so sure about that. So I don't expect this to be read though. But whatsoever. Uhm, bae, you've always been the type that gets what you wished for. You wished that you're going to FTU, you got it. You wished that you're going to dance well, you got it. You wished that you're going to be the one that received the most attention during the meeting with Piaggio, you got it. You wished you're going to be the best at any dance classes you attend, you got it. I've been lucky the whole time. I live with luck that I gain from hard work and careful preparation, so I know that I will get everything I want. But I still feel left out, noone wants me. Worthless. I looks chubby compared to friends my age and I'm currently having no income (extra class salary is too low, 250kVND/lesson, not deserves to be included). I find it hard to remember to smile when i'm on my own. I'm too old to apply for trainee audition at YG in 2019. I don't know how to sing. My English is flawed. I try to keep posting videos on nooramoolar but noone cares. I'm sad everytime I look at myself in the mirror. I don't know how to freestyle. It's hard to enjoy the stage. I wish I've never appeared in any promotion videos at DMS because I look so bad in all of them. I don't cry that much anymore because I try not to. I feel empty when asking myself about who's important in my life. I feel suck knowing that I still don't get the gut to die and still live. I can't communicate well with people and I feel like just me living makes them sick enough. I end up crying. Loser. I don't know why I'm so miserable. I don't know why I'm trying to do things that seem to have no future. I better die. I'm stuck at 55-57kg. I feel like I'm going to be able to do everything if I'm at 44. I starve myself over and over. Then I binge. Noone ever wants me. Everybody tends to come to me just to say I don't fit, or I'm just an E, an F, that I'm not going to be able to do anything, that they don't like me, that I should give up. Nobody believes in me. I'm not feeling like I'm a girl. or I'm fit to be born as a girl, because I'm too ugly. Despite all those. I'm still greedy enough to get by day by day. Because I want to master my Korean. I want to be 44 kg. I want to achieve 8.0 IELTS. I want to be a singer, famous singer. I want to be an actress. I want to do keep pushing till I get exhausted. I want to live with music turning on the whole day. I want to believe in myself when noone does. So I live. You may find it **** dark, disappointed reading this. I'm sorry about that. But I'm you at the age of 20. I'm so glad you survive. I hope you're loved. First and foremost by yourself. Because I'm so suck at that till 5:29PM 27/4/2019. I love you. I hope you're happy. I hope your son loves you so that he can fulfill all the years that you hate your existence. I love you.