breaking up is hard

Hey me. Today is Saturday. Let's roll back a bit Wednesday night, you were stressed as ****. Had a 7 page paper due on Friday, but working ALL NIGHT Thursday, so there's no chance you would get it done then. Also had to finish your Organic Chemistry lab. Tom texted you something about how he "knows what he's talking about." You got mad and told him you didn't give a ****. Next day, Thursday, he ignored you the entire day. You asked him if he was mad during the lab. He denied it. You asked again after lab in a text; he said he was just "disappointed". Wouldn't say why, asked to talk in person after you started texting him (non-angry) about why he was mad and things you've done recently. Friday, you meet in the brew. He admits he's bad at communicating, wants to get better. Wants to fix things. I say the relationship is mismatched, and we are not bad people but we do NOT fit each other. He does not accept this. Says we can work things out. Eventually gets to the point where I'm semi-crying and I say we should break up. He says I shouldn't make decisions if I'm under the influence of emotions. (I don't tell him this, but I know I've wanted to break up for months now.) He asked when it started to feel wrong; I said only a few weeks - since he mocked my favorite show. He said he wouldn't do it again. I told him I loved him deeply as a friend, but not as a boyfriend. He said he didn't love me. He still wants to try again. I agreed to a break. He wants to reconvene on Sunday. I didn't tell him this, but I'd rather give it a little more time. I might make up an excuse on Sunday. Since then, I've cried a bit. I've been numb. I want to try Salvia Divinorum. It's a hallucinatory plant used by the Native Americans. Not federally banned, just in the states (including my current state). Note: it does NOT get you a "good high". It ONLY makes you hallucinate and dissociate from reality -- because of this, it is not addictive. Also, long term studies on rats show no long-term damage from the drug use. It's only a 15 minute trip if smoked, or about an hour of lesser intensity if ingested as a tea. I'm going to try it at the Lutheran house with some questions in mind. Questions about my future and existence. Life is hard right now. I love Tom. I really do. I absolutely care for him from the very depth of my being. But we should not be together. I know this. I just know. It's not right. I told him this but he didn't get it. He doesn't even love me but he wants to keep trying. I think I am a challenge to him. Yes, he did like me a bit last year, but I'm not special. He will move on easily after me. I will miss him much more than he will miss me. I've never experienced a breakup like this before. I have never dumped someone that I loved more than they loved me. It's so incredibly difficult. I know he'll just go back to his old life. He'll heal. I won't heal that easily. I pour so much of myself (emotionally) into other people. Despite my incompatibility with him, I adore him. He is an amazing person. I just wish we were friends instead of dating. But he said it himself: We are not friends. And if we weren't dating, we never would have been friends. I am heartbroken. I hope you have found happiness, even if only temporary. Even if by yourself, I want you to be complete. Whole. Able to enjoy life without tagging along with someone else. You are amazing. Never settle. -Me