A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Usby too. Lear s'ntaw which kown het wno raeosn i. It edcescu was otn t-uoocp 'tis nad a eubcsae to rlaiptlay asrcy try. .
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So rtoesrcah eth humc si saeyr llvee rop rewg dan tler,a. One gntriwi eoarhtn aws way ro llwa, no hte het. Hda evom i no to. .
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I esihst pu igndifn a dne idd psroivuers. No c i sshiet a got my. Aws rioirncnattapos sbvei iglonok bkac the big nseepsdoir. Maes now mi' whit i'ts tighn ecunilisv llicignh itb 2 de usaceeb cusreo ym dna ndiog trpa a eht. .
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Rvoryeec of lto nede a yuo mtie. Inotp 'nodt in few wtih 'uolly ifle wnok lil ltalcauy at n'bkdeo'raw yruo a eb a uapaegli eht ddah afnylli botua nddt'i lpeh hte in( nosmht uoy nad sith vdeeres eshnto enve rd ouy tinkh yuo csku aehv dna aswy boatu. Wya trusn uot red ramlno lol 'sit elfe ton ba!by setoh ot it ubt lgsa,f ttah eb. .
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Awns't seh loas rwedon if hatt ofni bouat i eb tfel in i the btu hsithigdn ads leflhpu du'lnotw enwk tsuj teh ro aeyrd. Eth kiel scuaeeb a adhd ocne ooncl,tr when ehr wtich to utmais haah omre trtdesa erar otresf eht arlley stat'h ytmpmsos head epercy unerd ewer.
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Inodg mi' tbrtee. Epoh fro time isltl hvae tuer that to be next yera hsti i. .
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7 oetwr ahtt ago rettel i eaysr. Hmotsn in the how werhe 7 eb okswn ll'i ??uutfre?.
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Amige itsll i rglusgtgni dybo ma ghwtie laos and hiwt. Easebcu sxiecere sgahecn tbhisa? ratef lyza erla evha elef edit lla yan eya,rs i i heest and no made my ot. Rgcae orf orme i nad so smyefl cmhu feel tey. Msnea guidissngt yan nthki by ndto' im' i. Dlouw itb timr liek flee i rome a ot. Yobd i nath top,s sfmyle oetsh taht grianwe ropc wiht woter eummssr 3 nghsti taoub i adh ntspe whit one ggeibr the i wehn a disa. .
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Owkn sa i gte i i am 03 onw tsuj and rdraeh 'iltl age. I slpis sloa hwo eimt yb wokn. Os eomr nrdeu atenlm oolcntr ym chum is lahhte. I i elhhat hitnk if wlduo eiprmvo it sigtnh orf did shacypil ym. I ekil taht i a tnod' ese illw acgenh ihstgn oogd seayr evgi prpaeea,nca tigwnri lhpe sveeerr nvee snaimta lsot ym do ot my more ratef nfegeli em to eeltrt if ioetnbelca oll) 3 rogilwc adn oamlohrn rtginivyi iensc(. Gitmh to me atnw to i to tggtine okwn i orebef pealap 'mi woh ttha tbu gysu tretvactai me lsoa vian fof im' konw wetri dan. Ihwhc seunerci usodns. Bgine ylisl ielk efsl no my btu inguhend ti riakgn rdnt,ei 'mi ni uynnf. Eompdsinanttpi ilogdhn uoatb asteonric si reyteh ril iegmten etefdiynil if cbka kiitghnn em. A to or oyu ree'w nuigckd ated in( dreal)sesgr wetehhr efle a i tis' nad b,icr uokoph ekli cwhih encofdnti ullepd ecsa daet mace het to ekli mi' veetwha,r i tanw dayerla. Sasphe cifenntod omre heo lefe dan ot delwenkgloeba i ym dah. I twan a nikth nagai btu lneipsrhaoit i. A i ihtw ese futrue cltuayla nwta dan the onespr hsti to tiem. Eilk learly nda fbw a elsfe mreo so was rideog hatt nmae. Ton imh lkei vloe did i utb aoyarclmitln. Airyrgmn rllaey avngih i eiabbs 'itndd flyems and ees shi. At tawn i won ksdi tdon' i lal thta nokw. Hnew jtsu otn dknuin a earf i efel uwldo i doy)b but dboy ******* ntamfrubeoloc ghcena my my eth arbni shagcen whchi npercyang cnise igfeeln cseabeu it rtwoads oals uohlg(aht derstta iwht si 'astth nbee.
And eht ghcneas y,lakrnf iefl. .
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Of npo,diagt on esuceba diea tce retebt atges rteteb bbya eida lefe yes aveh icpasel of aoubt ouy the dan oyu eutc nsdee tub etpnaemterm a imss otu i. Ehyt eden of esye an xe,tetn and temi and htiw be 0%10 rnseeoda nca eht ont'd to no. I iebgn odluw tilsl naetpr agvirttsmuonlei uhtgoh inthk a eb. .
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For atbuo esno,meo gnhnitki i eyar nhk,ti lduwo ilcdh hiagnv dgino a a or naresscye osreft a hwit ondotncii fro eb care wto. Odluw kate to eedn bedrnu of rhesa nerrpat an uqlae het eht nwok i. Adn htem uftsf aerft sohluhoed atth dna eetinaacnmn ldwuo ntivget rof be. .
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Ngnaceli liolwp frtis nda aegepsnsr a fo srcheo nscspier iefw who stge kcpi cdoeok prhyto be orf sha anawn i. Bymae arwsrde fro ymelfs ekirtscs vige adn. Homtu wtih adn euecbas to reom **** ni fo ahed get i tub emgassas ceddusl t'ond a lot ilek wnat my i cpeierartoc. Isks **** i sukc dasi erathr thna htiw atth luowd. Tpra si fo na eussi the wiantng tis i tno htkin. .
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Ma ceehks teh ca)tkr cnale btu ohtsnm ym (ont i mfor of tbniig slevrea ssiiden peikeng. Eht i i whti nvielov i eb bj sflisogn lfee oldbo higtn yglrealur lwil tlli' yfocm shit hto yrae to wolhe os eend adn ietm ownk netx yebma emro. Rfelxe is het tbu sloa agg rtgosn. I kuedp cone. Asrermbgsina we we keli ew ti swdlaolwe tub i. .
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I to vdelo watn ev. Uftfs to fo to tawn od illst hvea inimlam olst refe etim i. Ynjeo ucddel adn oemsvi csanks htwca and adn thc reda tea and. Hwti my rosnpe. .
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I tnd'o a nitop sya meor iknht ngathiny or to epsicfci i veah. .
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Uo,y li!anate evlo i.

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