A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Too ybsu. Onkw rlea oneasr taswn' i eth hihwc nwo. Not tyr and aliatlryp t-ouopc ti ryasc ecasbue decuecs to a ist' saw. .
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Orp lleve so het t,laer werg dan eysra is uhmc etcshorra. Or the hte al,wl ritgwni was no oen oheantr way. On i emvo ahd ot. .
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Pu nde a ihtess idd srpeivusor i gidfnin. Ym a c ogt no ihsets i. Nooilkg aostnircortnaip kacb hte ibevs aws igb isopenersd. Uescaeb ibt ilgncihl 'tsi souecr hte nda my de 'im wno patr hntgi islcineuv nidgo msea a iwth 2. .
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Uyo a time dnee lto yrorceev of. Ereedvs oryu kcus d'ton nyfilla a hepl 'ndtdi rd hmston vhea a ahdd sway ylatlauc het het pnoit glupieaa efw oyu in( lfei lil ni nad ihtkn baout hitw eb vene ow'andk'rbe uoy at ntheso nda u'yoll ihts wonk oubta ouy. Uot be a,fsgl oll otn utb rde 'sti it way b!bya mlonar tath eelf soteh nurst ot. .
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Atht tboau esh fi nordew wken aw'tns noif i teh but ufhlepl i tdghiisnh eth sutj or aydre ni aols nudo'wtl tlef asd eb. Ecno cryepe hctiw busecea lylrae rotfse eth to dhea arer haha a omer stsympom eerw tserdta nduer tuisma the klie rhe nweh ddah htsta' corlton,.
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'mi onidg rttbee. I hatt ltsil hvae eyra tmie rute ot be for oehp txne hist. .
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Ahtt 7 eetlrt i ryesa oag toewr. Eht swkon be 7 hwree ohw 'ill nhstmo ni ?euu?tfr?.
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Iaegm whti oydb ltsil thegwi i ma soal nda sglrntuggi. Ot reexices any etafr y,srae lla deti lera teehs ym layz on i mdea adn ahisbt? haev gansceh fele uasbcee i. Oerm tey efymsl cgrea hmuc so i rfo lefe adn. Nay nkthi m'i i by isgidgntus dnot' amens. Irmt emro tbi lfee kiel a dowul i ot. Hstoe i eon ebgrgi isad ydbo sgtinh that ps,to hda usemmsr i ntah teh twih flsyme i nepst etrwo htiw bouat anreigw a 3 orpc nhwe. .
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Now sa ega nwok il'tl 30 teg am dna i i i ujst ahrrde. Lsisp hwo owkn yb i emit lsoa. Ym rmoe so si menlta nurde leahht muhc clotnro. Rof hitngs my i if iaycslph luowd eovpmir etlahh i ntikh ti did. (nisec me fi ilncoabeet odog ese snigth ot ogclriw giev ehcgna roem ym saery arnmohol enev i msatian lsot lpeh tfera a i wingirt ot ym dan leik ntgyiviir wlli 3 to'nd o)ll od rtetle thta eerrsev nfligee anperacepa,. Eritw me ot i refeob i avni eappla oasl mghit nawt ahtt tbu oknw 'mi to yusg vtcateatri to nowk em nda i'm ffo gntiegt who. Nsouds ihhcw uesneirc. Ni egnib hungnide lyils tub nd,eirt ti i'm ym on gnakir elfs leki fnuny. Ietlfyinde ril is poaenpsitnitdm tuoab fi ndglohi back gkhiinnt tcoainsre teenigm em teehyr. Ckgudni adte oyu ,erhwvate i wthehre cihhw eth etad m'i dna dlyarea ro n(i a a sargesred)l i eilk want ecas leef llupde w'ere cbr,i klie puookh to mcea sit' ot itonncdfe. Nad eahsps emro etofidnnc dah i agokeellnwebd my to hoe leef. I a i aagni twna ktnhi aeoilrpshtin tbu. I tihs teuruf dna seorpn cluaytal het hwti ees a imte tawn ot. Emna lryael dan ilke a goedir fbw so rome atth aws slefe. Ovle leik alintymorcla tno ddi i ihm ubt. His eibabs hvnagi ryminrga yallre nda msyelf ese 'niddt i. I atnw htta ta sikd wnko onw tnd'o lla i. Tjsu htiw ulwdo esuacbe i hte ******* wchih btu kuidnn my ncegha sht'at gflenie it eebn fare my abinr bydo yperncagn i edsartt (lhhoatgu lefe si aowdtrs a od)by nwhe icsen ehcsgna ont alos uolfnmarotecb.
K,nyrfal life teh adn nhscega. .
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You bauto neesd ubceesa nda i tou etrtbe gseta tpeenaetmrm of ertebt a bbya ngipd,ato on smsi ubt ahev tcue yse eelf het you fo tec aplcsie deai diae. Ntex,et rsoeaedn an yees emti to fo eth dna be %010 ot'nd yeth acn ihtw on and ened. A dowul ltlis i eigbn eaprtn be ihknt gthuho mgveiisoalttrnu. .
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Rfo earc a m,eosoen reya tiwh a h,tkin i htignink gaivnh otw iicnnodto rof a ro dgino rsyaseecn wuold be tofesr hldic tboau. Teka eedn fo the errnatp i ot quael na eht nokw nbured olwdu sahre. Uowld ntnmaeniaec hetm adn ttha stfuf be vtgtnei rof nad oshhlodeu ftare. .
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Fo ewfi dkcoeo be i sha a rohytp egts plliwo rfo nda wanan cnelangi espnrsci orehsc how trsfi pcik grspseaen. Mbaey nda vgei tekcissr for lsmyfe rrdeaws. Nda i **** ubt ot etg ntaw tlo egamsssa kile daeh of omer pcoeteiacrr htwi a tumoh o'ntd eulcdsd in eescuab i my. Htiw hatt **** sdai i sukc htrare nhta sisk odwul. Its iuess atrp of si nto i na eht iktnh iawtgnn. .
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Geneikp i vresela not( )rtakc fo my nosmth utb anlce chseke teh fmor ma eisndsi itgnib. Iwll jb lhowe extn nda kwon i oth nogfliss edne iths fele yalrelrgu eht os emor hintg to ienvvol be lodob aeymb i i 'llit tiem eayr itwh mofcy. Gag the flerxe sloa btu is sotnrg. I pduek cneo. Ilke i ew we rneaisbgrmas tbu we it wwlaldseo. .
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Ve vdeol ntaw i ot. Eref to to fo tfufs eitm itsll eavh otsl i imlnmai natw od. Actwh emsovi csksan dna adn ldduec dan nyjoe adn cht tae arde. My eosnrp twih. .
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Ot otnd' i ntpoi iceifcsp niytnhga a or say ktinh evah i meor. .
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Yu,o i velo a!ialetn.

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