A letter from July 24th, 2017

A Lie – B1A4 I wrote a letter and sent it a month before already just earlier. Well here's another one~ I'm afraid to think and wonder. But what will become of me in the future? In the present day & in the past I've felt like I had no future, nothing out there is for me and that I would eventually die anyway before I become "grown up" but I'm afraid now. I also can't help but to wonder...how long will this long distance relationship last? It's only been a few months and I really don't want to see the end. Just like before I wondered, will things be able to stay on good terms despite breaking up. I clearly am not a relationship person but I know what to avoid, but I'm not experienced and I'm afraid of what heartache feels like. I felt it before. If I even made it past a year with him, that's amazing, since neither he hasn't had an ldr and this feels more like my first .. I don't know why but I still feel a bit weird that we knew each other only a month or so.. I hope all of this doesn't make you cry or feel upset.. sends a hug// I just wonder so much. I have so many thoughts about him that make me happy but am I blinded? I hope not. I also feel like I would be shy if I ended up meeting him. He told me his dream not too long ago where I went to DC, wearing a yellow dress & we met up. For some reason I was sad and even when he tried to cheer me up I would continue to be sad. When we went to different places, I was growing more sad, and he didn't know why since I probably didn't say why. I wouldn't be that way though, I would be nervous but in a delighted way. Sometimes I imagine him right here next to me where I can hug him or snuggle up into his chest and hear his snore that would end up putting me into a deep sleep. Maybe my imagination is too detailed....I wonder if he ever thinks this way or if I'm just fantasizing way too much. Deep sigh// –I'm afraid of the future– [2017, July 24, 5.46 AM]