A letter from October 31st, 2016, when every feeling is so damn intense

Dear FutureMe, When is the last time you cried? i think 5 mos ago. You are not suppose to feels this way, bloodshot eyes and shakey hands while typing this, you are not suppose to. I know you have no regrets to what happen and to what you did, you just took a super tricky risk and viola, negative. You just felt good in a few moments but afterwards you felt guilty. You already calculated this and even program everything but i think somehow your mathematical skills failed you a little bc something is back firing right? You are not supposed to get angry with the guy bc all you want is space, YES YOU BADLY NEED THAT Many things happen that night, many phrases that still bothers you and still cant handle. I know you dont want to loose the guy, that you still want to fix things between the both of you, that you want to talk about the issue that involves your friendship, that you want to clear things up. This is not the usual you, Jade. Bc when you have an issue to a person, you easily give up the relationship with the person except if the person is really close to your heart, leave the person behind, leave everything, no more asking, bc one of your motto is before they notice that you are leaving, you already left with no trace of you because thats how you roll, thats how you do it and bc you yourself is the TOTGA QUEEN Now you came to think that the guy only wants you (want that you still dont know) period. He doesnt need the other way around. You came to this when the guy preached that he wants and need you at the same time, but yeah, the phrase made you think that he only say that bc you are always there, that he just need you bc his main is away and you are there one swift away, that he just need you bc he's missing something and someone at the same time, that he's just using you because he needs it and because of this big bubble thought inside your head, your starting to question your self worth. Sad i know. Because you believe in the saying that "if you want me but dont need me, i'll go but if you need me but dont want me. i'll stay" you believe in that up until now. Why? because the word WANT in your own vocabulary is TEMPORARY, ephemeral and the word NEED means permanent, long lasting. Because the WANT can be change easily, one swift of a finger unlike the NEED that will stay longer because that will make you live. Everything is on your hands Jade, its your choice. All the best, May your feelings, stress, doubt, confusion rest in peace