killing time.

hey dude, it's your old friend-you from the past. Time to capture my soul as I am now for the future, y'know? My coughs really getting to be annoying. It's because of the microbaterium absessus, and i'm not gonna lie-it's real fucking annoying...But at the same time I only have myself to blame. I'm trying to be better with my medicines, so, how come i'm struggling so much? I mean the tablets i'm doing ok but inhalers, and the nebs...I find it so hard. It should be easier now I have this new form so...why isn't it? What's wrong with my brain? I really, really don't wanna go to bristol. No pain relief, no mental relief...how can that be seen as fun? I mean sure. It's hospital. It's not supposed to be fun. But it's supposed to be more than just...suffering. Without the entanox, i'm scared. real scared. I'm gonna have to get weed or something, and I really don't wanna do that...I've kept off drugs my entire life. Wouldn't it be ironic that the one reason I start is to keep myself well? I guess you'd know better than me but...still. It's not something I peticularly wanna think about. I hate having shitty grammar. I hate it when i misspell words, and don't pick up on it. I've tried many times but...I just cannot seem to fix it. If i'm being honest, i'm writing to you because i'm bored. Sat here, on the bed, listening to a little green day and for time to pass so I can go see my girlfriend. It seems to be like that alot lately...i'm just sat waiting for time to pass. Nothing in the now interests me, apart from spending time with my friends and girl. So what's it gonna be? Just...me sitting here, for the rest of my life? What kinda life is that? I don't fear death, but I don't exactly embrace the idea of it either. When it comes to when I have to die, I don't think i'd ever fight it if it was just me. But...people rely on me. Evelyn needs me. Jake needs me. My parents need me, and even the people who just see me sometimes, they need me too...they need me to stay alive. That's why i'm gonna fight. Because no one wants the pain from someone they care about dying, and i'm sure as hell not going to be the person who gives them that. I hate, i really hate how I used to be. The fact I used to fantasize about dying for the exact same reason that I now want to live. The unity, the feeling of people caring for you but-if i'm dead, I won't know it. So i'll just have faith. I'll believe that people care about me. I think about all the people who'd care that I died, by imagining if they died. And I realize just how many people I want to see live with me, who I want to see succeed in life and make there mark, no matter how small it may be. I have to live, because i'm the person who believes no person should be forgotten. Evelyn. Jake. Chad. Levi. Hugh. Meg. Jordaine. Little Meg. Kerin. Catherine. Mellissa. Molly. Rezi. Tess. Frazer. Tom. Emily. Sam. Ellie. Dan. Daizy. Mikey. I could write out a list of all these names, all people who live inside my head and my heart and I realize...people I used to find insignificant have found a place in there too. With each new experience, each time I laughed with them or smiled, we became a part of each others memories. Memories that make us smile. Even people who I grew to hate...they made me smile once. And so it's my job, and the job of every human being to keep those smiles safe. you're allowed to feel sad, oli. Remember this. Memories are a game of russian roulette. A memory could cause you to grin, to laugh, to cringe, weep or scream. But sometimes you need to dive into those dark places, because the memories you need are the light needed to defeat the darkness of your thoughts. If you ever feel doubt about someone, bring up the good times. Evelyn, I love her. I love her more than anything, and I can't let anything ever change that. Just like Jake is my best friend and has been for as long as I know, and as long as I will. He's the only person i'll ever call brother, and I swear to god i'd stick by him though thick and thin. I'm no one special. I won't be remembered by history...I know this now. But maybe...maybe one thing does single me out. I have hope. I have enough hope for my friends, for my enemy's, and for the people who disapeared from my life as quickly as they entered it. And I don't know how long I'll feel that way. I know that i'll change, and one day i'm going to be you and not me. And you might have completely different values than the version of me writing this. But I hope...I hope you'll read this and remember. Remember just for a moment the time you were me. The time I was Oliver Spencer-Rexin. The time I lived, the time I sat down and wrote this letter. The time I was still smitten by Evelyn, where I was Jake's brother and wingman, and I was, even if just for long enough to write this letter, hopeful. I hope you'll remember. be you later, Oliver (age 17.)