Dear Josh

Hey. It's me. The girl who brought you back by confessing how much she loved you and then kicked you out because she was too afraid. Just some thoughts....... I had you once. Not to myself, no. But I did have you. And damn it was good:) almost perfect. I miss those days... Hanging out in the abandoned Burger King with Armando's stollen video camera. And we'd talk and chain smoke and then... But we always laughed about it. If there was ever another person in this life I miss talking to it's you. I feel like I could talk to you about anything. Nothing was taboo. I told you all my secrets, and you never judged me. You accepted me for who I was. And whoever you thought that was, you obviously liked it. A lot, at least... For a while anyways. I wish that I could go back. If I knew then what I know now, especially about the man I am now forcefully tied to... I'd tell him to fuck off, pick up the phone and call you. I'd apologize until my brain hurt and hope that you'd be willing to accept it. And then I would stop being chicken shit about it. I remember even back in the day when we would sit in the theatre in jc, and it was obvious we went there to make out... I always waited for you to make the first move. And if you didn't I had to play some silly little game to get you to. What an idiot I was. I meant every word of the letter I sent you, the one that brought you back from NC. At some point in our knowing eachother, after the friends with benefits part, I came to love you. And not just a silly little school girl crush. I mean I effing love you. As in there's nobody else on this planet I'd rather be with. As in I want to grow old with you, laughing and smiling and having fun. I love you as in I would give up everything just to have a chance at being with you. Everything but my beautiful son, that is. Which is sad because I'd have to. And I can't have that. I love you. And I'm so so sorry I kicked you out. I was afraid and I felt small and confused. And even though we still talk and text, it's not good enough. I want... You. And I know there is no world where that can happen. You live across the country now. And I have a son. I love my son. I can't stand my boyfriend. He treats me like shit, like worthless garbage. I need a friend. Someone to talk to. And out of some strange... I don't even know what to call it... Everyone has abandoned me. Everyone except you. I asked you the other night to cheer me up and you did. I want to talk to you. But I want to talk about you. I'm... Sort of lost here. What the hell would I say anyways... I love you but that doesn't mean anything because we can't be together. Or worst case scenario you tell me I'm crazy and lose my number. Which I don't think I could handle. Because I'd rather have you in my life as a far far away friend than not at all. I'm putting this here why... It's only going to go to myself in the future. Or maybe not. Maybe fate will intervene and you will somehow read it after stumbling across this website. Or not. Maybe people will read it and laugh. Who knows....... I sound like a lunatic I know. Sorry... I wish you would text me more. I wish you would tell me that even though we can never be together, that there was a time when you thought you could have loved me too. Was there ever? Did you come back for me? I hope not. Because then I'd be forced to tell you all of this I think. Just to make up for what I did. Do you still listen to modest mouse? Call me.