A letter from the past |

hey. it's you from june 9th. i have like just tomorrow and then the day after, it is hurry burry. i am actually writing this because, i had this thought. do i want to pass or do i not want to pass? if i were to pass but not have much marks, or would i prefer taking time and actually have exceptional marks? when i put it down like this in writing, it sounds so stupid. but i was ready to throw up because of this, i swear. i swear. and yes i still want to cry. i am terrified of what is to come after i pass too. that is also a block. what happens when i pass. it is a chilling thought. i don't know what lies on the other side and i'm terrified. it's kind of like trying to break out of a maze that i've been stuck for 2 years now. had great hopes and plans at the beginning, and then slowly got lost in the loop. couldn't find a way out at all and then somehow broke through the first stage. now standing at the threshold of the second stage. do i have any idea what i'm doing? no. in fact i am even more unprepared than for the first stage. first stage, i was familiar with the routes, even if i didn't prepare exceptionally, i had the experience of 2 years to guide me through. this, i haven't been through this route for 2 years. this feels almost unfamiliar. am i prepared too? not at all. not at all. and i'm terrified of what lies on the other side. what kind of emptiness lies there and how i'm supposed to cope with it. i know i feel some kind of way, like i have lost everything because i have been trying to do this for 3 years. this has all that has been in my life for this long now, and suddenly no more, it ought to drive me a little crazy. what do i even do? genuinely? do i still try and pass? who will give me an answer? do i still try and pass? am i ready to pass? do i need to be ready to pass? clear inter? can i handle it if i pass? can i handle it if i don't pass? i probably can. because that is what i am used to after all. even in this, a little familiarity. something to ground me. but what kind of stupidity is that? trying to find familiarity in failure? if you could pass, why would you let yourself fail? oh my god what do i even do. all this talk and i am nowhere near the answer. i do not want to be muddleheaded tomorrow. do i challenge myself to give it my best shot even though it is like this now? am i up for that challenge though? can i actually do it? i have to make up my mind, not muddle through. i do not want to muddle through. if i'm doing something, i want to do it fully. you know what? **** it we ball !!!!!!!