A letter from Apr 07, 2026

Dear Future Me, She is 32 years old, and she loves somene. She met her now partner when she was about 17. He was the most amazing human on earth. He showed her a different side of life, took care of her, loved her even when she did not love herself, without any expectations. She was not ready for that kind of love at that age, but he came into her life simply to be there. He became boyfriend, partner, friend, father, mother, guardian. She was a lost girl with so much happening in her broken family. She was not ready for any relation and did not even know how to figure herself out. But he stayed. No complaints as if god sent him. Things slowly started getting better. They were in a relationship, life was looking good, and within a few years they got married. This girl moved from teen to adult with so many responsibilities on her shoulders. By the time she began to understand herself, what she wants, what she does not want, who she is, she had already been married for years. Things were going well. She was not unhappy. Yet there was always a part of her that wanted to run away, without knowing why. She loved him, yet she carried guilt. She used to think, he loves me, I have a great man in life he loves me then why do I want to run away? What is it that I am missing? What is it that I want? She did not know. So she kept going. She stayed busy. She never gave herself time to think. Years passed. On 31st December 2019, she saw him. Six years and two months ago. She met him for only a few hours. They hardly spoke. But she remembers seeing him and feeling like home was walking toward her. They met again after a few years. This time they spent a few days together. She describes those days as the best days of her life. For him, it may have been just a few days with someone. For her, it was everything. She never wanted it to end, she didnt know how to behave, what to do but she knew she felt the most alive she had ever felt. As if in this whole world, that was all she wanted. She cried and asked God to cut her life short but give her a life with him. She knew they both ae at a diffferent stage of life and this is not mutual and beyond this she is married to this amazing man. she can never build her life over his happiness. It was all one sided. It did not begin right and it did not end right. It has been over three years since she first met him and told him how she felt. About 1081 days. Not a single day when she did not think of him. Not a single week when her heart did not cry out for him. Not a single month when she did not beg for help to recover from this strange feeling that refuses to leave. She came to never leave her mind. she was not crying because she wanted him, she knew this is very complex she was crying because she never wanted to discover this side of her. This meant returning back to golden cage she has no courage to break. Not for this guy but even for her own self. Maybe it is something lost inside her that she was searching for long before him. When she met him, she felt right. When he left, he took that feeling with him. She tasted something she did not know she needed, wanted, or was capable of feeling. Since then she does not feel like living. Waking up feels heavy. She has travelled to many countries, changed homes, tried devotion, tried distraction, psychologist seasons . Not a single place has made her feel good. She has forgotten what it means to be happy. She wants to go far away, never see him again because they are on very different path of life but she does not know how far is far enough. She knows she is not doing justice to her partner. Every day she tries to wake up and feel normal. She hopes he is not going through what she is going through inside. She knows she has hurt him enough, and for the man he is and has been, this life would not be enough to repay him. The guilt suffocates her. The feeling of running away suffocates her. The desire to run somewhere so far and feel alive again, just once, consumes her. What is she going through? What is this sudden panic, this pain in her chest and stomach when she hears or sees anything related to him? What does she do about it? She has no courage to admit any of this to her partner. How does she say it when she knows he is not ready for it? She is scared. She wants to go back to that day and wake up differently. She feels she cannot take it anymore. She is scared of the feeling that comes over her when she realises she has spent her life trying to keep everyone happy, her family, her partner, the world, while living a lie that is slowly ******* her. She is paralysed by guilt because the man she is with is wonderful. He has loved her selflessly since they were teenagers. He is a blessing she feels she is wasting. But no matter how hard she tries to force it, he is not what she wants. He does not understand her, and every day she spends pretending is a day she feels more lost. For over three years, not a single day has passed without her thinking of him. She only knew him for a short time, but when she met him, it felt like home something she never felt for anyone before. She decided to write because after a year, she saw him yesterday by pure chance, at a cafe with someone else. It felt like a high speed collision. Her whole body froze. It is cruel to stand at 99 percent love while he stands at zero. He never chose her, and that is understandable. Yet she is still standing in the same place not knowing how to move forward. Sometimes she wishes she had never lived them, or that life had ended after them, because everything after has felt like a punishment she was not ready for. She just wants to live for herself. She wants to stop shouting in silence. She wants to survive this pain. She wants to be with him every second and at the same time never see him again, because he never felt like this for her and the one who did, she doesnt feel that way for him thus this happened. Beyond right and wrong, she does not know what to do with this feeling. What to do with this life. Everyday she prays whereever he is whoever he is with he is happy. She hopes that one day she reads this not from a place of despair, but from a place of strength. That one day she will have found the courage to choose truth over fear, and peace over guilt. Until then, she is just trying to breathe.