A letter from Mar 08, 2026

Where do I begin !? Currently trying to navigate this distasteful situation that has left me heartbroken. I’ve never allowed myself to attach and be so vulnerable with another human being in that kind of way before. The pain that comes with it, never in a million years did I anticipate it for myself. I’ve cried what feels like a never ending river of tears. I’ve overplayed the events leading up to and as it’s happening just trying to figure out what happened ? Could I have maybe done something, gave more, listened more… WHAT !? My first relationship to just end so abruptly and how I’d describe this feeling would be like ‘diving out of a plane and your parachute won’t open’. Pure panic and helplessness. Whew ! I had so many hopes and dreams surrounded around a person, I wanted to share every inch of my life with this man. After all the conversations & explanations of why he felt it needed to end, I still want to fight for US. So silly of me, right ? I just wanted him to choose us, and maybe still see potential despite all the trials and tribulations that happened and would’ve came. He blames it on being close to 30 and finding his purpose… my father figure said a real man that loves you and has the same feelings as you can grow and find his purpose either way with you in his life. He said that I’m expecting Nas to be as selfless and consoling as I was in the relationship during difficult times or when he broke down and cried but it’s a waste of time because he’s selfish. My auntie said things near that as well. That he lacks accountability and integrity. Everything he’s said before and now was NOTHING but false hope and LIES !! You don’t treat someone you love this way and my auntie EXAGGERATES that. Love goes deeper, it’s continuous not just during the relationship. He’s been so cold to me, this being my first relationship it’s been nothing but ‘ just move on’ , ‘ I can’t even conceptualizes you getting a second chance’ , I lov(ed)’ ‘ it’s just a chapter’ and ‘ I wish you well’ when he initially broke up I was breaking down in front of his moms house and instead of being warm and feeling anything he pushed me away. I’m emotionally exhausted, at the very least because all that talk of your my person, I’ve never loved them the way I love you, I’m so this and that and it’s easy for you to give up on me or even be so detached from me during this break up!? I find myself hurt, angry even. Another thing my auntie pointed out is you want to be cool and friends but when’s the last time you’ve asked ‘ are you okay’ I know it’s difficult and we work together so that adds some stress as well but not once has he even asked or made sure I was okay. Just wants to rid himself of me sadly. Yet I’d still give anything to hear him say I still love you… ironically he hasn’t even said that, he says loved past tense 😬 I read an old message of me explaining that *** is big for me and I’m scared he’s gonna just end things after I’ve given myself & he did exactly what he said he wouldn’t do. Hahaha. 😶 I don’t hate him at all, wouldn’t allow that to even be a feeling but I’m soo hurt. I just wanted him to say although I need to focus on myself right now, my feelings were real I truly want you to be in my future and hopefully it’s in the cards for us because I do love you. 😔 I appreciate the genuine people in my life though because it can be easy to say everything that he did but they hold me accountable.. as I do for myself. A lot could have been prevented by choosing myself in particular moments of this relationship. If I didn’t allow my emotions take the lead and walked away when seeing certain red flags I could have saved myself the painful experience. Don’t regret loving the way I did, because pain is just something you go through so you can be stronger and make better decisions. My auntie told me weeks before the breakup ‘ YOU LOVE THAT MAN WAY MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU ‘ 🤣 I see it unfolding now haha. My take away from this is never allow yourself to be talked out of decisions or boundaries you’ve set for yourself, LOVE LOVE LOVE YOURSELF because when you do it’s automatically like ‘Unt uh, I ain’t just going for any old okey doke’ ! That I am not without love, I’m surrounded by it. Bria, Lee, My auntie, T and shockingly my new coworker Chloe have really helped me remind myself draw closer to God he is the only one who can mend my heart, don’t allow someone’s short comings or where they view themselves have any affect on you ! I’ve been through way too much to let this defeat me literally. I’m closer to where I am trying to get than where I started and it’s time for me to just be selfish make this year about me and graduating because I literally CAN BE AND DO WHATEVER I CHOOSE, the possibilities are endless for me rn. Lastly, just handle yourself with grace and stay true to who you are. In the relationship and break up if it’s not in your character to be mean and nasty don’t let actions of another dictate how you operate. Always stay loving and kind in whatever may rise or challenge you ! Just be content in who you are regardless. Although, I had this whole plan of getting myself together and wanting to be able to pour into him and it’s not going to happen. I just keep telling myself you have to do it for YOU and then one day it the verrrry nearrr future I’ll find someone who’s going to meet me where I’m at lol. I mean it’s easy to say, but when you wanted that person to be the one you love at this present moment it makes the future a little scary honestly. The emotions are still a battle each day and the thoughts are like a knife cutting the wound back open. The biggest one is maybe I was just a distraction for his split with the bm and now that he’s ready to just focus on himself I’m not useful anymore. All I can do is think about Nas, what our life could’ve been like, what I would still want it to look like. I hope by this time next month that feelings have faded and I have made peace with it. As for right now I’m going to continue to remind myself I am Loved, I’m going places, my worth is not determined by the people in my life and if they want to leave let them go.