Dear Future Me,

Dear Me, I am writing this right now in a state of tears at two thirty in the morning. I have an eight AM class tomorrow. I cannot sleep. I'm starting to feel the early signs of bulimia again. I'm starting to loose the ability to cope with what should be simple life. I'm finding comfort in food. I'm incapable of taking anything not to the extreme. I pride myself on subtlety though I'm incapable of it. I dimmed the lights and changed the bulbs of my fish tank to calm myself. I broke my fast to sip some hot chocolate to comfort myself to fall back asleep. I'm not certain what's bothering me. I know that it struck me as very strange that all the lights on the second floor of Clinton Hall were off, but I liked it, in all the same breathe. At the same time, I didn't trust it. I'm terrified that if I disclose the fact I've been fearing my dependence on food, Will shall leave me. I'm afraid I'm too much of a basket case for him. As far as everyone else goes, I'm afraid that I will be completely rejected if I express how far from perfect I am, as opposed to being largely rejected for being myself. I feel rejected because I never have ever fit in, ever, in my life. I'm starting to become aware of this and empowered. I'm also starting to feel lonely, I'm starting to feel like I put too much into work and not enough into those I love, and that I will loose or already have lost those I love. I miss Grandma, though I use her to remind myself that life does go on. I miss her so much. I miss being naive to the idea of God, having that comfort that no matter what, life has meaning, as opposed to the "enlightened" realization that life only has meaning if you give it meaning. I'm deathly afraid I'll never be married, never have children, that I'll die alone. I am afraid of being wrongfully imprisoned, I'm afraid of so many things. I'm loosing my ability to channel my paralyzing fears into trivial fears that I can rationalize away. I'm loosing my ability to keep my emotions under tight watch when I need to. I worry that I'll loose my boldness, that I'll loose my ability to really assert my needs. I'm loosing my libido. I'm afraid my need to fight for what I feel is right is going to cost me loved ones who dissent. I'm afraid that all I will be left with is work. I just had one of my lamp light bulbs burn out, again. The cup of hot chocolate was comforting. Please, future self, by the time you read this again, promise me you will have finally pursued the help you needed so long ago and never got so it can finally stop coming back to haunt you at the worst moments. Learn to love yourself, Me