A letter from Dec 05, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Where do I start. As you can tell I've honestly really enjoyed the practice of sending and opening these letters from past versions of myself. I went back today, and read one from 2021, and 2022, and rolled my eyes at a sentence I wrote about falling in love with the person I was dating at that time. Long story short it was the wrong guy(lol). But what I never realised until now is how therapeutic it is to speak as if there's more. To speak as if there's a version of me who already knows, who's already overcome and who understands, and more so than anything else, these letter help me to believe that, this exists. I'm writing this letter on the eve of my 24th Birthday. Whilst I understand, and you understand that I've always had a complex about age, this birthday in particular feels very surreal for many reasons. Firstly it is the first age, that is objectively very adult in a way that 23, 22 and 21 never really felt. This for me is a departure from my early 20's. I think that I've always really wanted to live out every stage of my life. So at 21, in university I saw to it. I stayed out late at university, every day, I had enough crazy stories, and dates to fill up catalogs of 00's cosmopolitan agony aunt collums, and I ate and drank, like there was no tomorrow. There would be momments that the room was spinning above me after I finally called the uber home at 12am, (the £40 uber I might add) that I would ameliorate myself with the reminder that I was only 21, and that this is what I was supposed to do. 22 in many ways felt very similar. I was still in university, and was realing from the impacts of social anxiety, and now life anxiety because I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea, who I wanted to date or who I should date or be. Confusion doesn't even begin to explain it. I had in January broken up with the person that I really saw myself with, and was really blindsided by a terrible truth that I can now confidently say was cheating. Even writing that does not feel right, as I was gaslighted so badly that to admit that today, in this letter feels good. Later that year I graduated, did my first internship (which was not fun at all) and started dating again. Not to say I wasn't still talking to my ex lol. Anyway that brings me to this time last year. To turning 23. I'm apprehensive about how I want to talk about heartbreak in this and how I want to talk about my year, and last year in this. I think a part of it comes from the healing journey that I am on right now, and how its helped me (on a small scale) de-catagortfize everything that's happened. Or if its because I know that everything I write here is somewhat contagious to you future Anaam, and whilst I know its important to remember (and I'm sure you do) I believe that you don't need to sit here, with the sun shining outside reading all of this again, when I promise you I've lived through it for you. This letter will not be about him, and it will not be about love and heartbreak. It will be about the lessons I've learnt this past year that I want to take into 24 with me. Firstly sometimes I believe that I'm not 'adult enough' that has been a major contention in the whole turning 24 thing. But there are momment like this, like reading these past letter, like remembering decisions that I've made, when I've mispoken, and was mean or too nice that I really realise how much I have changed, that I have become an the adult I've always wanted to be. Lessons I've learnt at 23 1. Use powder, when you wear makeup, I know you like the glowy look but trust me when I say, no amount of reapplying makeup will every beat a powder puff and some Huda Beauty powder. 2. You're not ready to make a change, until your ready to make a change. So much of my early 20's and so much of even earlier this year, was me, thinking I wanted to do something so badly and being confused on why I wasn't doing it. Its because I wasn't uncomfortable enough, its because I gained something from being that messy. 3. Heartbreak that lasts any longer than about 4 months, is always about you. Not in the sense that its your fault, but in the sense that there's something being triggered in your brain that is unresolved and this situation is merely the catalyst. I spent so many years going through months of heartbreak always attributing it to me not being strong enough, or them 'being the one'. In reality what I am going through now and what tinge you feel every now and again is really unhealed wounds, that this person merely triggered not unwavering unrequirted love. I will never be upset at myself for healing that takes longer, as long as I'm putting in the work. If you rush this process, you risk repeating the same patterns in your future relationships. Healing feels slow because you’re undoing old wounds and reprogramming deeply held beliefs—not because you’re failing. 4. There is no amount of trying that is ever going to make someone who isn't naturally for you, for you. This might seem like an obvious one, that we all probably should have learnt at 16, that I'm still now learning at 23 but every relationship that I've ever had in my life, from friendships to romantic relationship, have all happened very organically, and have all fallen apart organically too. Becoming a better version of yourself is not some mastermind plan to become more likeable or to get revenge on that one boy. Me saying that you should be authentic isn't some sort of moral or spiritual self love advice either, its just a way to save energy because once again someone will either want to be in your life or not, the fact that any of us think we have control over that is insane. And in the few momment we feel that control, know that its fleeting and that the pemblem will swing back in the other direction and probably harder. 5. We love smoked salmon now. 6. How you look does matter. In the way that *** and money matters to the world. This does not mean that this has to define you, and the way you feel about yourself. But utilise it, get what you want out of the world through it, because whether you do or you don't, you can't quit the game just because you didn't try, its still running. Be well dressed, have fun with it show up as the version of yourself you'd like to be known as. I think you've always known this tho. 7. There will be unfortunate things that happen to you. You can be upset but as you know now, this is it. The chronic illness you developed exists in the only body you will ever have, and whilst it sucks, it will continue to be that way regardless of if your happy about it or sad about it. Know that. 8. Its okay to correct things about yourself physically that you don't like. But having the autonomy to make that decision is not a feminist statement admit that its to adhere to beauty standard. 9. one day your obsession with red bull and melatonin will reveal something to you about your emotional state. Okay so its four months later I'm writing this on the 5th April 2025 - which sounds insane to say because it felt like my birthday was yesterday. I had the sudden urge to finish this and schedule it. I'm kinda at a crossroads - I'm feeling so much better, but in many ways I'm scared the momentum to change my life and to get better is fading. A couple of updates:) I am no longer heartbroken, I am over that weird man. I don't think about him anymore. But im doing that 'checking' thing where I brag about how healed I am instead of being healed and quiet. A part of me things this is happiness over a situation that I didn't think would get better - a part of me thinks its the last bit of connection. idk. I am at a better place with IC, not perfect but low dose nitro and yoga has helped. This isn't a long term solution however I may still need bladder installations + medication, but im sure you know more on than that future Anaam. I do have hope that things will get better tbh for the first time and im noticing my nervous system is definitely contributing to my flares. I will figure this out by the end of this year Dec 2025 :) and be in remission from IC. I did my FLK1 mock and omg so difficult im doing FLK2 tommorow. I don't know how I can do this exam at all this year let alone in 3 months. Knowledge wise, money wise omg. I've lost weight but im finding it hard to keep it off, it was easier when I was heartbroken and depressed. Ramadan was so healing omg changed my life all my prayers got answered. However I will say things get so much worse before they get better. This has to be the most impactful year of my life. I need to end it on a boom, and I need to accomplish everything I told myself I would and more this year. so badly want to live a version of my life next year that is so different from this year. This time next year: - [ ] I will have just turned 25 - [ ] I will have started my tiktok influencer journey and be on 50k subscribers - [ ] Started and be 1 year into university LLM SQE - [ ] Be dating and maybe even with my future husband - [ ] Be invited to glam events and influencer events - [ ] Have had my ptosis surgery - [ ] Have had my lip fillers - [ ] Have secured a part time legal job, and not be TA anymore - [ ] Have secured a grad job, and am planning on moving out 2026 - [ ] Have a steady morning and night routine - [x] Have a better relationship with my mum - [x] Not think about my ex - therapy - [ ] Have amazing style and a good staple wardrobe - [ ] Have made a bunch of new friends - [ ] Be making 2k a month - [x] Have travelled to 3 places this year - [ ] Have hit my reading goal of 20 books each year - [x] Perfected my makeup routine - [x] Have a better body - maybe not super toned but something im more comfortable in - [ ] Have control over my IC symptoms - [ ] Be the most attractive version of myself I'm leaving this here because Sep me still has so much time to tick off any of these that she see's fit. I want to look back at this year and just be so thankful. I want to feel like all the pain and hardship was not in vain. I love you. I AM PROUD OF YOU. and it is not too late:)))