A letter from February 6th, 2025

Dear FutureMe,
please tell me we no longer feel this way. Today you went out alone for a few hours without the kids for the first time. it was meant to be relaxing and you were meant to enjoy this "me time" away from being a mum that you hardly ever get. But all it did was reiterate how miserable you are, how lonely you feel being home all day with 2 kids who need you, how you have absolutely nothing going on outside of being "mummy" and how pathetic you feel trying to feel even a little bit like the old you. I know it won't last forever this feeling but right now I'm really struggling to see the end of it. I hate my body the most. I hate the way my stomach sticks out and hangs low, I hate the way it bounces when I walk down the stairs, I hate that whatever I don't feel or look confident in my own clothes. 
Is your stomach still feeling sensitive? does it still feel sore to put lotion on it? Does your underwear still scratch at your lower belly and rub against the scar? what does your belly button look like now? Have you started wearing jeans again yet? I really wanted to just sleep, but I wanted to prove to myself or maybe or maybe to the husband that I was in much better headspace than I know I am. On the way home  I wished that I never had children. A terrible thing to think. I love my boys but I couldn't help but think of where I'd be if I had never had them, if I hadn't had to hit pause on working my dream job which I spent years studying for, if I'd have my own firm by now and how much I'd have in my personal savings. I'd be paying bills which is great because I could get my credit score up and be able to spend my money without feeling guilty or without having to explain my purchases to anyone, buying simply because I've worked for it and it's something I want that makes me happy. 
I look at my friends / peers and feel jealous that I'm behind. I haven't got a penny to my name. I can't get my nails or hair done whenever I want, I cant go on a night out with the girls without planning over a week ahead. I can't even get a full nights sleep without having to wake up and feed the baby. Maybe your depressed. 
Do we still feel that way now?
I'm aware my feelings might be seen as selfish if you tell them to someone even your husband. They'll wonder why or how I could feel this way when a lot of woman have it worse. When there's woman out there whose husbands beat them, cheat on them, emotionally abuse them. At least your husband loves you and would do anything for you is what they'll tell you. At least he makes a lot of money. At least he takes care of you. What they won't tell you is how useless you'll feel because of it. How if anything happened to your husband you'll have nothing to take care of the boys. How guilty you'll feel spending his money on things for yourself. How much harder it is to go against his decisions and how most of the housework and childcare will fall on you regardless of how empty it makes you feel. 
Anyway. The only way out of this all is to go through it right?