Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Ngamik you noe kown osme lal het is rethos you hchrcu wrodl toabu rtpas creo fo si ees dan who eth to yuo hnwe in…s isgeader ese ryoufsel itkngla eht iytedrcl oyu wiht.
I eerw tusj eanmt sqeotniu esgsu ot lepope msoe. .
’dotn eanm hatt eeelvib uyo onse’td. G,sho mhuc do hwy esforlyu eibevel swrddaveeooh sak sono eehrt who muhc ut,lgi vbeli!ee nda os hwen, os ear imtes do uoy ouy ouy leeevbi ho yuo by. D’dtin cmuh ouy hwne esihwd you os tmise eveeilb.
.
Htis bayme alcotcih sih inrneeth tsuj wnhe atigvene it’s guitl hte nghinyat sa hhcwi ot i ot erop aklt tabou iwnhit ta ti kihnt tub utg trepnrees fo our iekl ayw oliiregn lksfo neod’st lteyicdr eeetnml. To ihm relcos us pllu to. .
.
Dgnoi ocem be abesuce rseiokwrf on i rhitneeyvg eenv teg ,htenos mi’ trihg to yonneda, isie,tdpdapon dam, nda. Hrimeglewvon mceo at cuhrch on hnew i’m elnigsfe. Mero lntesngii ,isht dsacu a of nad i oseth uylc elfe to htna yorrs gons lyleki orf ervy rmttae at,fc lal nsymh as im’ ot a glnietsni. Uedasrtrft ’mi.
.
Ot ti t”i nlap btu aekm my k“aef is you lti. Reinagidn nto hgenomits useebac uotbd i tnhiwi cuodl erev is htta fakign it em so off my i hsake efeilb. Rcushh’c apry tngih deb ic,en ygu teh to vyeer sikd ereofb ill’ cchrhu ekli ogrup em dan ruo a og …eosncsf ujs,t nda utb to to adynsu ryvee rpeopr go outhy and on’wt dna ramry dan eb rapy k,eli. Owh llwi ti i oubdt si ylalre ahtt eb? hgitsn. Klei i rglis oto. I nnoud. Ees utb ewl’l.
This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please
for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
9 months ago