Dear, my dear dearest me,Hi :)
Today is Thursday, I'm in the car in the parking lot at Ball State, just dropped Payton off. I need to drive back to Indy to get his suit for Noah's wedding (a wedding I wish I could feel like going to just for the fun of it, but nothing feels fun lately; mainly when I feel so uninvited and so excluded from everything that is related to Payton's friends and life). I also need to cancel Planet Fitness (and deal with their bs of not allowing me to cancel; hopefully I won't have to stress about that today). I need to try to renew my DL; make some lunch for myself and all that...I struggle today because I feel like I'm always struggling with something and it's always the same things. I never feel fully satisfied in my relationships. Doesn't matter how good they are, there's always something missing, but it's just me and I know it.I feel insecure about things, about his love and affection for me; I still compare my today with my past and that ***** every good I still have left.I'm going back to Brazil in two months, but by the time you read this letter we will have already have had the experience of showing Brazil to Payton (if we stayed together), according to my plans. And by then, you will have had to decide on something, I guess. I still want to travel and do permaculture, mochilar o Brasil, sei lá.
I'm sitting here and watching people walk by, they're all so young... maybe I should write this to a more distant future with a picture haha that would be nice.
Anyways, I can't imagine where we'll be by the time you read this, because it feels like I won't survive past 6 months somedays.I know you're okay, you're still alive.In my previous letter I was hoping I'd be happier, stronger, closer to God, have a better character and etc, etc, etc. Now, all I wish for you is a little bit more satisfaction with wherever and however you might be, but I don't really hope for anything to be different than what it is right now for you. Remember, you can always change if you're not happy where you are. It's our own journey, nobody else's.
Honey, I think I struggle too much with too little. But today I'm not sorry for anything, I'm not who I thought I'd be, I'm not where I wanted to be, I am not how I wish I'd be. But I'm not sorry, I'm not better and not worse, I just am. Today I just am the way I am, temporarily or forever, whatever. I'm still me and I still have this soul to change, to be, to not be, to stay this way. At the end of the day, I will always be found. I know, even when I don't. So I just take a deep breath and... I'm here.God never left, even though I walk so far.I walk far, but never alone. I feel alone, but even then, I still am accompanied by loneliness it self.Yes, ***** is just a part of me. Not for me to try to get rid of. And it will always accompany me, but it doesn't mean it's bad, just because it sounds like it. Just look a little deeper and you'll see, it was never meant to be.***** is there for a reason and that is so you don't forget to dare to live.
Baby, dare to live. Dare to try. Dare to be. Dare to fail, to fall, to change, to repent, to be happy, sad or whatever you're supposed to experience. Enjoy the ride, it will get to an end and that is the only thing I can assure you.Don't you dare to accept all the voices that bring you down, to live by someone else's shadow or to be unkind and unloving to yourself.
Gotta go now,I love you dearly and truly,
Lilian
Today is Thursday, I'm in the car in the parking lot at Ball State, just dropped Payton off. I need to drive back to Indy to get his suit for Noah's wedding (a wedding I wish I could feel like going to just for the fun of it, but nothing feels fun lately; mainly when I feel so uninvited and so excluded from everything that is related to Payton's friends and life). I also need to cancel Planet Fitness (and deal with their bs of not allowing me to cancel; hopefully I won't have to stress about that today). I need to try to renew my DL; make some lunch for myself and all that...I struggle today because I feel like I'm always struggling with something and it's always the same things. I never feel fully satisfied in my relationships. Doesn't matter how good they are, there's always something missing, but it's just me and I know it.I feel insecure about things, about his love and affection for me; I still compare my today with my past and that ***** every good I still have left.I'm going back to Brazil in two months, but by the time you read this letter we will have already have had the experience of showing Brazil to Payton (if we stayed together), according to my plans. And by then, you will have had to decide on something, I guess. I still want to travel and do permaculture, mochilar o Brasil, sei lá.
I'm sitting here and watching people walk by, they're all so young... maybe I should write this to a more distant future with a picture haha that would be nice.
Anyways, I can't imagine where we'll be by the time you read this, because it feels like I won't survive past 6 months somedays.I know you're okay, you're still alive.In my previous letter I was hoping I'd be happier, stronger, closer to God, have a better character and etc, etc, etc. Now, all I wish for you is a little bit more satisfaction with wherever and however you might be, but I don't really hope for anything to be different than what it is right now for you. Remember, you can always change if you're not happy where you are. It's our own journey, nobody else's.
Honey, I think I struggle too much with too little. But today I'm not sorry for anything, I'm not who I thought I'd be, I'm not where I wanted to be, I am not how I wish I'd be. But I'm not sorry, I'm not better and not worse, I just am. Today I just am the way I am, temporarily or forever, whatever. I'm still me and I still have this soul to change, to be, to not be, to stay this way. At the end of the day, I will always be found. I know, even when I don't. So I just take a deep breath and... I'm here.God never left, even though I walk so far.I walk far, but never alone. I feel alone, but even then, I still am accompanied by loneliness it self.Yes, ***** is just a part of me. Not for me to try to get rid of. And it will always accompany me, but it doesn't mean it's bad, just because it sounds like it. Just look a little deeper and you'll see, it was never meant to be.***** is there for a reason and that is so you don't forget to dare to live.
Baby, dare to live. Dare to try. Dare to be. Dare to fail, to fall, to change, to repent, to be happy, sad or whatever you're supposed to experience. Enjoy the ride, it will get to an end and that is the only thing I can assure you.Don't you dare to accept all the voices that bring you down, to live by someone else's shadow or to be unkind and unloving to yourself.
Gotta go now,I love you dearly and truly,
Lilian
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