"Your yearly reminder to write a letter to your future self" and that's how I ended up here. Hello, me from the next year, I usually send letters in a 3 year interval but there's already 2 letters on its way to 2026, so this letter will have the smallest gap I have ever sent, and he'll make it public too why not.
I've changed a lot since quarantine, around 2019. I remember looking at the letter 2018 me sent us and I was disgusted, my hair was standing internally screaming how there could be a being capable of typing pure cringe. The entire quarantine was a turning point for me, in the entirety of 2020 to 2022, I've reflected and reflected day and night. I'm selfish, we all are in a way, but my selfishness was in a way that I actively harm my mental sta in control of what I want, I guess this is what TikTok calls the opposite of the "Let Them" mentality. I envy others, I loathe my lack of skills, I hate my laziness, I spite my addictions, I'm sad at the effort others put for me that I don't reciprocate, there are so many things I've reflected about that resulted in me hating myself.
I don't like it but I'm addicted to the self-hate in a way. "I'm not humble, I just dislike myself", alongside being seemingly humble because of my self-esteem, everything I do and say are always reflected upon because I feel like everything I do is wrong, I've grown skeptic and spiteful of myself that I lost my ego and destructive nature, for me who wanted to change that? I really like that development, even if it's negative in some perspectives.
So how am I doing anyway? Even though my ego disappeared long ago, the lack of pride results in the presence of low of self esteem, I'm no longer egotistic and pretentious but in turn I'm always demotivated and grow to hate every living second of existence. I picked up digital drawing and quit because of burnout in the span of 2 years, only drawing sometimes with my mediocre experience, I download so so SO MANY GAMES like I always have just to complain why I still continue playing, I do what I have to do and look down on the ground just waiting for this **** to be over with. I recently turned 18, the party was great because I had to exclusively enjoy it with my family and close friends, I appreciate the effort my parents went through, but if I'm being asked what it feels like turning 18 - I truly couldn't care less, just a small sigh that I'm inching closer to the independence I yearn so much for, it's so frustratingly hypocritical to think of my independence when I don't even work on it, it's like I'm expecting a grace from the gods that adulthood will just be brought down upon me with no effort.
I'm doing fine, future me, compare my mental state to the entire quarantine era and in last year (2023) and you'd see how there's literally nothing in my way aside from my own insecurities. I no longer wake up wanting to **** myself, I no longer do things then instantly complain about it, I no longer hang out with friends wishing I was part of their conversation. I'm in control of what I let inside my heart now, it's funny because I let my ego down to open my heart more, but the key to happiness is to just be selfish when everyone begins to exploit your generosity, be selfish even towards the world - be kind, not all-giving. I love the life I'm giving, scared of the future? Hell yeah! But if everything is going perfectly, then there's always bound to be a perfectly unfortunate event to take place, we got this future me, you're currently in college, and I'm currently doing my best to graduate and become a college student - we win this.
I've changed a lot since quarantine, around 2019. I remember looking at the letter 2018 me sent us and I was disgusted, my hair was standing internally screaming how there could be a being capable of typing pure cringe. The entire quarantine was a turning point for me, in the entirety of 2020 to 2022, I've reflected and reflected day and night. I'm selfish, we all are in a way, but my selfishness was in a way that I actively harm my mental sta in control of what I want, I guess this is what TikTok calls the opposite of the "Let Them" mentality. I envy others, I loathe my lack of skills, I hate my laziness, I spite my addictions, I'm sad at the effort others put for me that I don't reciprocate, there are so many things I've reflected about that resulted in me hating myself.
I don't like it but I'm addicted to the self-hate in a way. "I'm not humble, I just dislike myself", alongside being seemingly humble because of my self-esteem, everything I do and say are always reflected upon because I feel like everything I do is wrong, I've grown skeptic and spiteful of myself that I lost my ego and destructive nature, for me who wanted to change that? I really like that development, even if it's negative in some perspectives.
So how am I doing anyway? Even though my ego disappeared long ago, the lack of pride results in the presence of low of self esteem, I'm no longer egotistic and pretentious but in turn I'm always demotivated and grow to hate every living second of existence. I picked up digital drawing and quit because of burnout in the span of 2 years, only drawing sometimes with my mediocre experience, I download so so SO MANY GAMES like I always have just to complain why I still continue playing, I do what I have to do and look down on the ground just waiting for this **** to be over with. I recently turned 18, the party was great because I had to exclusively enjoy it with my family and close friends, I appreciate the effort my parents went through, but if I'm being asked what it feels like turning 18 - I truly couldn't care less, just a small sigh that I'm inching closer to the independence I yearn so much for, it's so frustratingly hypocritical to think of my independence when I don't even work on it, it's like I'm expecting a grace from the gods that adulthood will just be brought down upon me with no effort.
I'm doing fine, future me, compare my mental state to the entire quarantine era and in last year (2023) and you'd see how there's literally nothing in my way aside from my own insecurities. I no longer wake up wanting to **** myself, I no longer do things then instantly complain about it, I no longer hang out with friends wishing I was part of their conversation. I'm in control of what I let inside my heart now, it's funny because I let my ego down to open my heart more, but the key to happiness is to just be selfish when everyone begins to exploit your generosity, be selfish even towards the world - be kind, not all-giving. I love the life I'm giving, scared of the future? Hell yeah! But if everything is going perfectly, then there's always bound to be a perfectly unfortunate event to take place, we got this future me, you're currently in college, and I'm currently doing my best to graduate and become a college student - we win this.
Epilogue
6 months laterDoes this site just not ping me when messages arrive?
Safi speaking, I hear you loud and clear last year me. No drastic changes this time, and perhaps for a...
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