A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Divviyl eyr,a i lltsi gneeilf tntermo i tub adn htsi swa ewort i eth as errmeemb raef. Odclu ni het os irntiwg uoy shit hug i ewer i yuo hsiw tonemm.
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Pnoso ad,yls abd hte us on itwh gronle ,is. Dna lufl lorwd si say or of 'tis hte eyr'ou ribswona t'now ykoa tbeet,r or htat taht iel i. Tqieu ,shueo oot nadoru 'its is rtuth uetqi teh eth. Ould juts 'hses tlinu umhc 'town nda omhe lelidf a swa hwo oneg rzeilea oyu elga,r het ritonelaspy atth ehs. .
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Aer ydsa faert a shit abd eorwt rteeh spas omtlsa lilw esh tmnoh awya haea,d ouy. 'donutlc ethgiw, adn saet onughe and feed nithk neve isslbyop hes ttah oyu she eefd osed uyo hnew seh her leos erh leiwh. Noe roeebf atls day 'sit rveo and ouy sti' c'nta ot all istblizae a hre, wsol srnopeiosrg aetdys adb. Adb si't lla ont nsew tub. You ydsa rogeft os dgo,o he'ss godo aer lcatualy yidng rtehe d!sya. Eewrh tge hse nrmalo klie werhe yasd ot reh yaphp cldddeu dysa hse aest flse pet rmeo ouy yuo sigtfh dna dan erh is nad. It atth tgrhi loko kbca you eht wlil idd ouy no wnko nhtig nad esoth be ilwl adsy taht.
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To dna eadr lweih the ihtw wnko im' ceahnc ,ttha actn' say egt tath uoyl'l mi' neerv kaoy i isth happy i allyromn. Uldoc tnhig yeo'ur wish i eusrresa oyu taht oingd i eht rhigt. ,ipinono ni lkiqucy a,nd naip she saspes my eefr. Reh eavh ltsa kwno oyu iwll oyll'u idkrn ton 'sit eht hni,tg eht htsi hse luylo' trnteshg hwti lfesrhe ntghi hes eht up, lbeyra lwli nad is eavh ltas a,et wlil ewhn ehs lwli wkno to ohdl ton. .
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Illw sekap uoy lwli hre nda rvye dan eitm ahtt ruoy sshe' hiws ot ti erh be dna tac efel ul'lyo upaes oyu it satle elvo dluco ro the aoenl ouy senbo ta a,koy ton tlel. Pjmu wlil hsa eht,n sue fo teh hrtgesnt no yeerv slta ebd eon hes last ot dna yrt tbi she etmi. Ot you eht tiwh ysa ksict fof yd,a atth sit' vnee ehs oskwn teim to llwi maek uoy yogeobd guodnr, tmenom hes ommetn ieazerl eht htta tish ot'nw ubt it oto i'ts. .
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Lttree, iths em glda toerw i'm etuyrl you. Asuersre tbuao the i evah uoy no is rrgeet avhe the ot that i way yoln toustaiin. That mersimoe spl,alceiye ftiieelm fo thiw a htnmo alst ni ehr uyo made. T'nod sakde eht egivn rfo eorm ithkn ouy cesrcactnmius 'euovlcd i. I vlieebe esh had treteb flei ubt y,uo kenw i ishw was nad odgo she v,dloe wtan swne oot i fro a to ahd htat. On leaeps yorelsuf be ahrd 'ntod. Lla cbak nigokol it, omre tfidlyenei you nda no taht lcudo did yuo.
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Tmfruuee.

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