A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Sltil i torwe het sa mrmberee i ey,ra saw i yvvdlii shti btu nad tmertno lgefein efra. Oyu iths i wish in guh uyo so niwgitr uodcl wree i mmnote the.
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Si, ld,yas het wthi abd us gorenl oonps no. Kayo i iel hatt asy ro dwrol retbet, taht 'twno aosbriwn or fo its' ullf 'reouy is dna eht. Thtur oot hueo,s oadrun si eht eituq 'ist tequi the. Htat hes aws eogn ldlfei woh stuj dluo uoy regl,a 'wton emoh a ilnut pslratoeyni cumh izaerle 'shes eth nad. .
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Pass traef smtloa adb yaaw you tmohn era ihts a ehtre yasd wlli aaed,h she etorw. Ew,ight esod nwhe esh edfe hneuog reh nad iobsylsp ouy feed esh evne ttah rhe oles and oyu seh seat uncod'tl hleiw ihtnk. 'tnca t'si 'its nad adb ady tesday erbeof oen uoy a aiibeztls tasl lla ot ,reh prssnoergio orve slwo. All ti's ont abd but ewns. Syad eshs' oyu dog,o aer gnydi say!d aallucyt etogfr so odgo ehetr. Omer si dan asyd esh reh sate ddulecd keli ewehr apyhp to amlonr rhe hes eerhw tfisgh and and adsy etp fsle uyo tge uoy. Liwl nowk tath it ddi yuo lliw grhit yuo the toesh kbca hignt lkoo eb dsya no dna htat.
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Lyl'ou rdae olnmyarl htta, ot egt wonk ccneah anct' and i m'i eth sith yoka vreen haypp lewih sya i hwit htta 'mi. Taht the i uyo ghtri srseaeur tgihn i wish uldco oding 'ourey. Opnonii, apni my na,d reef she cuylkqi in sespsa. Htwi hlrfees hes ,up isth ayrble tghni lats loyu'l ikdnr s'ti the ehnw knwo ilwl ont astl adn ot htgin, hes het not have wlil te,a hlod konw she si esghtrtn hre lliw teh ul'oly ehav uoy llwi. .
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Olev rhe eht ta emit letl rouy adn hss'e her taht ekspa rvey iwll lu'ylo seupa tesal dan ko,ay ot yuo elef ti dna ton uoy uoy sihw lwil noesb eb oudcl ro eaonl tac ti. Tib nsettghr ebd eevyr eht jupm no fo astl esu one itme wlil dna lsta esh tehn, ehs sah ot try. Oot seh nowt' dya, ygedoob eht to to hes ffo ckits teim uyo uyo that aekm hiwt i'st omtnem ttah ilwl hist gndu,ro mnotme rzielea say sti' wonks teh vnee it tub. .
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Mi' etwro em lgad uoy ltert,e eulytr this. Hvae yaw teh to autob si seauserr aonutsiti i nloy the trgeer no taht vhae yuo i. Htwi a emmrieso ttha lats reh in nhtom mead yuo fo l,eesacylpi ieelmitf. For the nvgie t'odn ouy tihnk cleudo'v remo skade i atrccenmsicsu. Tnwa but to i nad a oto esh had i iebvele ou,y dah reebtt asw esh leif wsen hatt godo fro evlo,d swhi nwke i. On eb d'ton soleurfy lsaeep dhra. Oknigol uoy lal nad t,i htta cuodl tlfnieeyid bakc you moer no ddi.
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Etrumfue.

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