Hey, Happy birthday me!

Well, I'm 15. I'm sorry I'm sending the exact same email as I did last year to you, but I figured that you would probably have forgotten what I said anyway. I'll add a bit new in though... I guess grade 11 is over with, and I can't believe it, but you're in grade 12. I bet you still have no idea what the hell you're going to do when your older and you know what, congratulations for completing your grade 11 exams. I haven't even taken my grade 10 yet and I'm worrying. Don't worry about the finals this year, it's a moment in life and it will pass by just as fast as the time it took to have this letter arrive. I guess I hope you have fufilled certain dreams and wishes of mine, like my weight loss and my happiness. I know I can't put the pressure on you, me, because it is my fault as well. Decisions I make now are affecting you every second. Because of what I do tomorrow I could be writing to punk-Christina, or pretty-Christina, or not-even-alive-anymore-Christina. You still have time, your only 17! By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope your 16th went well, hopefully it was memorable for you in some way or another. I'm thinking you'll have had a boyfriend by now, but if not, no worries. You're not nearly prepared right now at 15, so who knows how you are at 17. I'm so excited to write this, I hope reading this brings you the same joy. Whether or not you are leading the life I wish I will have, I hope you are happy. Here is the part of the letter im copy and pasting: I only wish I could know what you know, but be in my place. Know what is coming, what to expect, what will change in my life. It's only June 6th, not 10's of years until you get this, but it's a simple birthday wish. You know from experience things can change even in a short period of time. Friends leave, people change and life can take crazy turns. I just hope you haven't taken the wrong path at this time. I wake up in the morning, tired with undereye circles I spend 20 minutes covering. I look at my high forehead, the dry/oily skin, and my dreadful hair and count the days until summer, until I don't have to care. The stupid bangs that I spend so much time on, then choose one of my two wonderful sweaters to wear on this warm summer day. I feel alone and lost, and like I have no friends. I'm going to update you on things now, in case you have forgotten what it was like at this time (which I doubt you will have). -Evan and I have been talking again for about 1 month. He works at Reb Robbins, and he is going on his first date with Krista this upcoming weekend. You're also having lunch with all your old friends this Saturday. -Ashley is now living with her mom since April... that's about 2 months now. You rarely see her, and you've realized that she is a true friend you don't want to lose. Please, please spend time with her. -Hillary is still not speaking with you often, but you don't miss her so much. She has not yet dated or kissed Tyler, but she is very into drinking. -Johanna has short, short hair and is currently being so-so with Laron. They have plans to move in together when she turns 16. I don't talk to her much, shes different. -Carley is very different from the beginning of grade 10, she is very like Tyler. -Mom and dad are good... of course they are getting older and I think about them every day. I worry about them dying and leaving... but hopefully they are still well when you recieve this. Please give them a hug from past me. I'm going to talk about my day today, just because if I want to remember my past I'm going to find one specific day that I know about. I woke up, had my cereal, took 1 hour and went to school. I was tired, I had stayed up until 1am the night before. I got to school and followed Alexa into class. She should be next to your locker, right? Hopefully in the main hall like you had hoped. Anyways, science was boring. You had biology again (yay, your not taking it now!) and it was terrible. You almost fell asleep about 9 times and had to pretend to be awake. You don't care about what you're learning... but you have a test tomorrow (which is long taken, joy!) which you should get studying for. You talked to Julia a bit about how to make lasagna. Then you went to art. It was sort of fun, you had your yearbook and you reviewed it. You then went to the office and called your mom and asked her to bring your grade 7. You spend a lot of time playing hot-pretty-ugly with the people on the pages, I think you missed them a lot. Then you went to sign up for your lockers, and went to lunch. You sat with Val and stuff, I really hope you aren't her friend anymore. I know you're only talking to her now so that you can have someone, but it is not worth it. You should be friends with who you want to, who makes you happy, who you feel comfortable with. Anyways, you then went and picked up your honors award from this room (with Julia). Then you walked around a bit and went to computers. You spend an entire period designing a Rapunzel powerpoint. Then you went to social, where you had a sub and learned about the United Nations. You walked home with Sam, worrying about seeing Hillary. Sam was funny and he attempted to teach you about sword fighting. You got home, undressed and felt comfortable finally, and here you are. Oilers Stanley Cup final, game 2 (they lost the last one) is on tonight. I REALLY HOPE WE WON THE STANLEY CUP! Now I'm going to discuss how I feel about myself with you. I feel self concious all the time, about my weight (currently 143) and how I look. I feel ugly, I hate my glasses and my hair, and especially my dumb sweaters I wear all the time. My undereyes kill me, I hate them SO much and I need more sleep. I just hate myself... I can't like anyone at school because I'm so self concious. I really hope you have changed and improved in this way. I know your beautiful, you know it too. I just can't see it sometimes, most of the time, but I need to. You are who you are... I hope by the time you read this, you find what I'm saying stupid and pointless and I was immature and under-informed. I'm on a diet right now, have been for the past 2 months. I started at 158 and now I'm at 143. I really hope you've reached your goal of around 130... please say you did not give up. I wonder who you went to Penticton with? Did you even go... what sort of bathing suit did you get, was it a bikini, a tankini, or just a regular 1 piece? Was it your last years? Did you cut your hair (nooooo!) and did you get a tan? I hope your happy, I really really really hope your happy. I miss that feeling... I miss going places and doing things and I think you need to do it all again, I think you need to get into life. Just throw yourself in.. please don't be afraid. I'm just so afraid you've gotten worse or something. I want to experience love and life and I want to go places, I want to take the bus and go downtown. I want to buy clothes from the mall and go to the library, go to a party and meet new people! That is so important, I want you to have friends, best friends. I don't know your relationship with Evan or Ashley or Johanna or anyone, but I hope it's still good. I guess what I'm saying is that you are special and beautiful, and even though I don't feel that way I know it's true. No matter what comes your way I know you can get over it, you made it this far... please make this me, and you that you, happy.