A letter from Aug 09, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If you’re still alive to read this, ngl I’m proud of you. You got balls. Cause as I write this, I’m 99.9% set on ******* myself. I don’t really ask anything of you. The old me would have started listing milestones and achievements that future me “should have achieved” but I genuinely no longer give a **** about any of that. I no longer compare myself to other people because it’s a game you’ll never win. I just hope you’re happy. If not that’s ok too. Whatever. As I write this, I don’t see the point of living. I also don’t imagine that something as profound as that wouldn’t clear itself up on its own. There are two likely outcomes here- if you’re reading this, you either did the work and recovered, or you spent even more time wallowing in your depression too afraid to end it. Or maybe there’s a secret third option. Either way, i just wanted to say hi. And I hope you made it to Brazil.

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 20 year old me,

I'm 23 now. Still kickin'. Choosing life.

There's not gonna be a moment where you wake up and suddenly everything is okay. You just get...

Edlro. Ghuttoh a mroaney areh tsht'a douns a in lgno dan can ti mre,rebme mdin orf anpsgsi vene eavh uyo uyo uory treu edlvi o'tneds nad a or e,elibf as as elfg,nie ndludsye. Refsa anzgcvoili tiher voiec ssuodn ilek it l'schid a. It beal ot hist be a at ointp yoll'u ntercai neytidif adn stnuqeoi. .
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Itsh yas lil'. Moes 'luoly yowlsl etghetor ythe nipto thta lal ti enev oeelpp sah how ebgni wlli aevh uo,t eazriel dna dfuergi eht veil keli nahngyit lauytcla at het to ,flti ydnboo kolo. .
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Oghurht yve'uo gtihsn been. Erut a'thst. Evsent toacnn to aws you oyur erasy oruy crlnoto ude nrdigu denredhi dpvmoeenelt clariuc. .
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Ofr yoru uoy eefofc hewol ei,lf asy els't tadeh. Hetvawre vnere it for aemk oylerppr yuo sr,anoe to erealnd. Abnes oefcfe ti het maek lanmro werevho who bunr was t,cfa in yuo tahgut to ot utghhto. Rfo negiv kard stoar 'yuoer a ,isht naem. Eyevehrerw snmue kadr you ese raost no. Koay. Mlnaro is iths. .
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Yna cefofe amde mrfo rdgniink roeu'y peervndet that alos rof it'ns otsngryl reyv yuo. Iths musase seoesprs is aclunre anhimsec uoy or adn ualcta ffeeoc lyno -tleeenxlv ,oimsev in eht noyl wreeh aecsf ni oogd seu yhte ahtt rcratoe. .
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Rouy enw rty dsoe aryltie rntecur otn ofcefe ayn ot uesenva erfof. Wen oeu'yr tndeemec ffceeo, enve oyru ou'yev yfllu ngiytr of own, seiblfe atfer royu on pcebaal. Lefi no teh ti emak vea,h yuo dna geos ouy way wasyal.
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Ebmya ojeyn neev oyu to oeefcf attrs yoru. Stismmoee oodg its'. Esle peifsicc hrtei ielf dlowu dbyono focfee nesranddtu nrakd nsluse all yrou 'yvehte. .
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Teinytdi oruy cbesmeo ti. Oury you oefcfe ecactp aywsal iwll rtetbi be hatt. Sti' eceuasb a tnha ekli ewn etll otp uoy ti ,tetbri you airese giaknm uorseyfl. Ti ohetr ywa veenr dneo vuoe'y yan.
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Eonmeos ouy feefco wiht wtna to erhsa. Effcoe lese uyo ot eb of iead ankmgi rfo drsaub rdnicseo het esoenmo. Wdolu feefoc natw ouyr bydnoo rdkni to. .
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On eilf soeg. You rtoeh tyr cefeosf. Fo ,tsroa ardk rousec. Eerepnecrf uory. Ti eynoj uoy. Rveye uyo own uory btu sltil nomrgin meak. Aeecusb ti who 'satht si. It ond't antw uyo otigenmsh touba tey nowk yuo itdam oeefcf utb ruyo ffo is to. .
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Efofec ays,d uoy emos ryuo tahe. Etah tyurl it. Tacn' uoy utb it you ti ltlsi igeinma elfi tuiwoht drink ebeucas. A rlyael tmie fcfoee gnsuertinaddn sa a ehav oeytshnl pocectn hdar uoy. Reus ot godo sppoueds neev si tawh eb fcoeef yru'eo otn.
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Ewn eceprsi rfo uryo cidesorn dnlbe oyu epfsicic. Lla mpoalidcect oto adn they rsayc era. Wndo eth daei oyu put. Oolk slnbde at hreot oyu. Rriaecs is iths.
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On lefi soeg. Yuo ytr fecfoe moer. Htmgi irthe uoy drhwceet coref nridk ceoffe plpoee ot smeo. U'roey e,fni eltl oyu to it sedu seaecub tis' suroleyf. It like usory satste. Semsmoeit weosr tseats ti. O,uy oyu but lees ythe s,ha os irnkd ti onydbo dmea ti for dan.
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Eirlaez ta ireantc i,tnop sooivub a eth ly'oul. Fcoeef is untrb itsh. Rae ready inrgkidn a ot how tpos ehva lpeepo ihst will bmlorep htiw tno nrtbu foeefc. It uoy tsuj dmae fi heyt leseyicalp for. Ti you utb a ainpexl oe'dstn ay,w ifetdnerf it rty uyo can land atth.
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Elfi sego no. Eirsepc enw ratts ot yrt uyo.
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Eyrv adrh uot a vaeh uyo ti gunigirf eimt. Eistmeosm oogd it ocem nt'oeds tou. Ecoeff qinugitt dceiorns you a as helwo. Ebaym uyo'er sujt. Ocfeef atenm otn heav to. .
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Yuo ot wlil eecffo leeopp make ffero. Ti semeoon the hatt, trileebr eimt twha afret pdhapeen ltas lte yuo was od. Yuo ecffeo nwat yan n'otd. Oyu lyraeb wno yrou nwat.
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Fcfeeo reiht htiw lliw nda o,uy eshra liwl day, tle osmeneo btu neo yuo mhet. 'tsi het oy'veu not dah romf oecfef iekl srothe. Natarlisa rneve ot odulc catrreee si't otn eoph esom oyu latte. The in ekthinc saw siugn nbesa adme it yuo amse ues o'ssenome. Its' elar. Si't ogdo nda. Cukf as.
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Ti to eirelaz posibsle haev ffeeoc cutllaay uyo oodg si. Nvee oyu fi tis'. 'sti soplsieb royu wthi eashr to htsreo offeec. Ilwl feoefc nervoeye klie tno uyro. Yuo d'tno dimn.
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Nagai reew eerw ta efocfe atth aientcr to ntpoi renev yuo oyu eon nigog irknd. Oyu natme oyu bewr ewre a ni atth ginmka atmdgntii htta odog eerilza rsudtele oeicsch dab efcefo aghinv ttah. .
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Enw try uyo yestls. New slbend. Anagi orast adrk evne yuo tyr. Tosra eecrrbonah and and nac atluclya utbrn wtbneee rkda uyo aneiffedtrite a erla a. Llo.
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Syaw in uyo srtif iwuthto nptio onetgt trfiefden toabu 200 would ehva rveen ot ta lignaif hatt feoefc. Efcefo a ecffoe er?pcetf tol teh tath asw lpepse'o ouy saw uttohhg aosl teorh os byab tnsatin of. 'aenrt ncpsreapaae tienegryvh. .
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The effor fcoeef bsoylpis hte emaxepl inthg btu acn is i ieilslts. Gte em uoy.
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Velo yuo. Xo.

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