A letter from Aug 06, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I received a very heartbreaking news today. My application to study abroad was cancelled. It's so ****** up because I'm almost done preparing everything for my flight that's booked next week. I already have the Letter of Acceptance months ago and I also have my approved Student Visa with me. So I'm really shocked and confused right now as I didn't receive any email beforehand, I just found out about it when I logged in to my school web account today then *boom* it says that my application was cancelled. There's no further explanation to that. I don't even know how it happened. I have already submitted and got my documents approved so I was quite expecting that I just have to wait and fly over there for my dreams, but now everything was suddenly shattered to pieces. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, or how to tell my auntie that she's been paying full support for all my expenses, only for it to go nothing. We've already invested too much money on this that I don't have any idea how to pay it back on my own. And I don't know how to deal not only with my own disappointment.. how am I going to break this news to everyone 😭😭 I have to calm down. Okay, I gotta do something. For now, I've already sent an email to the school recruitment advisor about my situation. But I still have to wait for like two days before their office hours because it's weekend today. The wait is ******* me already. 😭😭 Future self, what should I do? A lot of things are running in my mind right now, and none of them are nice things. Just a lot of what if's.. What if this doesn't work out? This is going to be my biggest heartbreak. Future self, am I going to let you live your life in regret? I don't want you to live with regrets of how you didn't get to live the life I've been dreaming of for you. What if everything goes wrong just when I thought things are finally getting better? What if we're not meant for that great successful life.. that we don't actually deserve it in the first place and I'm such a fool to even think that I'm finally having that? I wanted to leave this place so bad to pursue a better life somewhere on the other side of the globe, I wanted to change my life.. was I too desperate? How cruel can the universe be to try and give me something, only for it to be taken away from me without even touching my fingertips.. What if things don't work out? What if this just ends up to me being a failure? I had so many plans, so many dreams.. too many plans and dreams that it might have probably jinxed it. I don't know how to face this loss. I don't have the time to fail. I have no more chances left to lose. I can't bear to go through this heartbreak, this will totally destroy me. I don't know what to do. I feel so scared and anxious.. the voices in my head are starting to get so loud again and the only way I know to silence them even a little bit was to write down my thoughts. That's why I'm writing this to you. What does the future hold for us, self? I hope things will work out. I can't think of any other way to live my future without this. It's this chance or nothing at all.. I do really hope that you'd be able to write an update about this. Please write a nice one, future self. I'll be waiting, but please don't make me wait for too long.