A letter from August 4th, 2023

i’m terrified of the future. looking through letters on here and it’s making me re realize how horrified i am at the fact of getting older. right now you are 17 and life still sucks. sometimes it feels like all i have to show for in life is suffering. i wish i could explain everything to you but there’s so much i don’t remember. i hope you dont miss chey anymore. i hope you dont miss hannah anymore or anyone you used to know. but right now i still love and care about everyone i’ve lost. being back in the house again.. i just hate it. please tell me you ended up moving. you and mom deserve that. i’m curious about my future self but my constant chronic suicidal thoughts will always be lurking in the background. i wont make it past 11. i woke make it to 15. i made it to 16 ? and then i made it to 17 this year. april 2023 was the hardest month i can remember. the pain of losing a new beginning hurts every time. charlie passed before i got to meet him, i want to cry when i see baby related things. the funeral was the most beautiful heart shattering thing of my entire life. its definitely up there with not being able to remember my dad. the small white casket is imprinted in my mind. the pain of knowing i was just delusional. that no one could ever see you the way you see yourself. and not in that i hate every thing about myself way, but my true self. how my heart is so big that it aches from years of isolation from socialization. how underneath all the torment my mind has put me through, there’s actually a person alive under there. so alive that she feels the most peace at sunset with feeling the cool breeze of the evening. i hope i dont hate myself so much anymore. it’s exhausting. i hope im loved and that i feel it. i hope i have so much light and positivity around me after years of darkness. you didn’t deserve to grow up feeling like life was just one giant movie you were watching, and that good things only happened to those inside the movie. life is so hard. i hope i dont feel sick anymore but i hope i wasnt just a hypochondriac. but what if i’m gone? every year feels like its my last. i hate myself so much that it makes me want to be dead. the suicidal thoughts come from how your life is. being robbed of your youth and normality. having your mental health turn you into someone you never wanted to be. i look at myself with such disappointment. can i tell you something? i would never treat anyone as less than because they’re overweight. i would never be such a terrible person to another. so why am i to myself. the other day things finally made sense. i think i have ocd. as if asd and ptsd diagnosis weren’t enough right lmfao. but those obsessive thoughts about my appearance- being so critical of everything inside my mind like it’s the most important thing in the world. over and over. that’s not normal. i hope you get help. and i hope you get to lose the weight. bc the way my mind works.. i just never wanted to look like this. i’ve always felt like a skinny person trapped in a sick and borderline then not borderline overweighted persons body. i look to others and i know that’s how my life was supposed to be. i hope i get to finally find my peace. i hope i finally get to wear the clothes i want because i really do love fashion so much. i love expressing myself through forms of art like that. i deserved to be able to do that. ofc overweight people can too, but for me it just makes me want to hide away. i look at myself and it’s like i can see underneath all the layers of self hatred and weight and agony, and there’s just absolutely beautiful person. i can only faintly see it. but i know its there, that’s why i keep pushing i guess. its in the back of my mind. so i hope i get there, i deserve all my desires. because i just know if someone could feel all my years of pain in one second, they’d understand. that’s all i’ve ever wanted, was for someone to understand. i’ve lost everyone and it makes me sad. my mental health has robbed me of my child and teenage hood. i’m angry at my life. i’m angry i was moved around. im angry ive been treated like i deserve to be at the bottom of waitlists. im angry about how different my life could’ve been if i had just gotten help. but i hope i get help. because i’d really love to get better. and i’m crying because i know its true. i know out there, there is a reality where i’m happy. i’m content. and i’m loved by more than just the people in my home. and i don’t have loneliness consuming me so much that it hurts. i feel so lost right now. it feels like going to the alternative school is me giving up. and i’m scared that i’m going to run into him. i just wanted a normal hs year. just one. and i’m so upset i prob wont graduate next year. i deserved the normality of that at least. but i’m just so behind and it hurts. it makes coping with being so ******* different 10x harder. but maybe things will get better. but if they don’t.. just know it’s okay to let go. this is so wrong to say but i don’t care. no one else can understand how much you’ve suffered, how long you’ve tried, how many times you’ve picked up your repeatedly shattered pieces, so it’s okay. maybe life just isn’t for you, if bad times just keep being shoved down your throat. but what about the day you are thin enough that your mind finally accepts you. what about the day you see you are beautiful in full light, not just faintly. what about the day you can finally look around and see you are surrounded by people who won’t pick up and leave or will always chase after you the way you did others your whole life. what about the day you can finally look back and think yeah this is gonna work out. just think about that. anyways i’m so tired it’s almost 3am. i hope my insomnia gets solved or whatever. also don’t keep smoking everyday dumbass. i love you and the universe will learn to love you too. you’re important.. and you know that. whatever happens just remember the corners of sanctuary in your mind. the hope. because that’s all that matters, hope. happy 20th birthday u precious beautifully creative ******* human being. i hope you’re still here. i hope coco is too. love, aug 2023 riri ♡