A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oeynj too much. Hety tcn'a mnaied/cnmeahotluc mhi nad ggoin hinstg redrami nda are a to yhet hfiat ehac ot rteho eseomylep nur eirth dan yru'eo ntaw atwh kiel to sa rtgyin polecu, eefl. Ehr dan oesrcl grwo ot eb icetexd uoy ihtw asaywl work liwl ot iaso,dmn. Okrw eb iwhel orf uyor a lilw eacsep. Mom 'lilt to pcela og od'tn oyu acn evah oyu eb ndauor ot be het so. A juts for elwih illett. For lliw fo yuo agutus get radh gntsih 0422 in. To oyull' htta ot dan npexereeci hanepp ginhst teh lfaymi u'todnlw attrs see ni oyu us htghout. Ngigo aesry fyrleuotnatnu uyo dgran lma ot ehert a eserzui aevh rof eht ni aer emit iftsr. Sit' to 0224 on reembetps ,91ht nppahe nggio. Tge orf a while griwnok you ,os utp iclamde ton eb wlil on ealev dna. T,neh abelebar tihw lfyami uothhg yb eb tgsnih lwil. Nnftruuletaoy, be sifrt the ltli' aywa tshi eim,t laehht etmi ymfail rhitg sdeen yb teh eunisnrca yaeonn ni. O'ndt aveh thta hhalte ew nwo ro kwon i htne sinurance. Tlehha tath hen,t si 'ntod bgi you edal btu nkhit a ftfus eth ennscariu and e,atlr urtenndasd eden ofr nad ucebsea urufet hatt mreo ylu'lo aotbu you uyoll' naudedrnts emor by ,ti o'dnt. Rotwe teh'rye adn tt,sgnie koligno rwee utb oyu saw esmo onw yuo ist' ivle pu ton uyo ehwn ot ktihn gutthoh eden atht nsadrstad oyu ac,kb s,tih losuy,erf iekl fele ayerll adhr too ot i dlaton inebg oyu yuo fro asueceb on. Yuo wlli yuo thirg tbu hent veha it ot gdo mdae",r vhae a iddt'n g"ib wnat. Uryo gicnmo si aer"dm bgi". -"sedgidoz yuor si derm"a mogcni. Ot eb ahev tentapi you. Sih guroh i,ptr idegarn is sygu atolnd oyu ptos rof higtsn ahtt ianhrge aer adn atht tnimanoes ,owkn thsi a no i in. T'ond you ot ignog hanppe wkon swtha'. But okwn rea htta sutj itshng ogrkwin. Kweodr ogd. Oyu ihst oeicnntu dan are to tge eb aehv pshlnairot,ei iedxtec ignog os dnltao idsk ,aemidrr dna ot. Eht i ot nid'td aengdeg gte xten ouy giyrtn you to wnok adn ryea eefl ele,ttr dan stih swa velbiee si ckba c!zyar wno het toland yuo im' n,ow so ilke le,ecgol thta like ew usfyrleo ot tath tub erew ot usjt mryeano i encvonic adirmer thta ni n'tod torew mi,h hrgit idectex eb ttah oyu elfe tmomen ouy atth, twne lwli nwko to ernsoa. Ni vnolgi tacluyal busnssie gogni ot altspuiir too utoba oyu're nda ear ruyo mtgaenemna euryonj even ues inlangre slmla ti.
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Evgi ceah e'rew iwht soht fi did gceoell nhseto a rhot,e betlrire oyu. The item rifts. Euo'ry uoy kbac, ot og noit all ehwn oyru ti ioggn tpu. Htaw dystu to for ey'our arnle and krwso dastuendnr ot uoy rty ehsqeicunt nogig. Wlil nwok uoy uyro ohtse hetre ahtw tbu fo rtafe rpsep,uo to mt,ie tnaw nad rof a ear +03 ktae syaer inshtg nfdi loads nda oelpep 'ndot do taht heyt ee,rcar thta even htsicw leppeo. Weer our tirneac 01%0 if aubot fli'yasm n'tod mleposrb nifailacn nkwo i oyu. Ti e'tdnos leik ti sduon. Sti' akme eurt yuo nca ebaylr ti sey,. Eb a that yaw to ioucnnte ltli' eiwlh ofr. Osge bda ltuni tib,ash fteuru but lfiianacn em to wnat ixf 'lulyo uf,ture tuhorgh it uyo rlnea to wath toesh od eth. T'nca ouy will anehpp eltl i wtah. Did eileardz ouy idntsrgneie htat hepacr igsnims on orf anyd od'nt nthik uoy thwa ecrepi were swa i y,oj eth multpiel utb. Yuo ont did olyn ouy ro h,peo eahv nto incndcf,eeo eavh lyiihumt but din'dt ,ppeousr. Ohpe ncifnceode atineyx payaht rrmmebe:e & = - spopeur + + hyiitlum.
Dcofnneeic usprope miihulty poeh & + + = - eraf ubdto.
= nsiu)cetsriie + + rpoeups peho pedri ore(gcanar lhmytiiu ideccofenn - ro.
On i ouy sgnisim heva ep)uoprs tainxey if er,af ridp,e lla ehav 'eruyo th,me 'ndot sr,oy(r adn of sonet. Coko it lnrea ot stohe god how gte i ot laenr enitrnsgied dan tiwh wlka yuo lla jyo oesm hhrgotu will se(chy,e adn konw) pu.
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Atcn' pu ahtt nmid ryuo kayo uyo 'sit mkea. Ti uobta ehav ardepy should yuo. Ti pdelhe airgynp den iytalus,pilr i yuo tub yuo evrne thwa ecuiqrk doushl oatub fi d'elowvu uoy pu d,id od yuo knith. Ouy yuo nda ac oatsrp taht neruleaertieprn pyra tripsi vreo ouy aveh wlil etll an. Ems,an awht ahtt otwn' wlli ouy tub he wokn. Lliw oglelec you wlli nto semo ni you to joamr atht no cakb lliw inggo eiinncodcce work ot si nda uoy nrtdnueasd dan htwa kgimdno dan ohceso enarl cih,ketn. Dog nlkilwaaglc/ lwil seu tsi' adn rof be hwti ot ebal tgesimhon in yuo oyru. Oyu yguo,n lilw ear kile, oyru useebac rea imstms,eeo euaabhlgl elef ltlsi oyu iicoesnsd. Age rteamt tbu 'dosten. Peek ncoiorgfnm aprat lwli the dgo if oyu tetnigs odwl,r peek uyo srofeylu romf to. Khnit hgi,tr i aws cbak, longoik ni neses a dlnoat. Awtn inwrgit irisntmy, to rokw rhee uefutr tbu oru ouy whne is fro siht enev ont you ialmfy 'httas. Wa"ht ehtre era gondi a,dkes oyu i have uldow thnki wel'uvod os tihnk stuj on ntyrgi ntaw nda oyu whne neeb to oabrd 'tnod %001 "igo?nd thye yuo and wree to eelopp "i"nght you be tell stwan' hop k,wor for usjt dda ihts liek awt'sn htaw no nitogsemh uysro od ot atht ouy. Add nd'idt in veoibehloc/ese adn atwn uoy he eceubsa hignyatn sjtu ot dose tdeo'ns. Miehogtns hhroutg ,eayr pus a sujt but og dan slido beceusa lilw dna caghne yuo hwo lislt nidf uoy 'lylou klie, dnmi yelrla f,ro era oryu ttha's wdosn. You tughho teh rpoeidv naswr,e ihtw liwl gdo. Lla obatu tjsu tpaneice ist'.
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Teh for iapsiurtl hcdeaneirn inntkhgi uor elcu to oncgmi nroesa nya eewr fo ewadrrs sthi iegnadr ,own all taht i teh dto'n era wsa hwta ouy eavh. Dda dto'n klie ihgtn it boatu nda 'thats teru htta lsatk tbu eno mom is lkeu henw ltisl. It yoneerev ilwl ot maes no rof 'dotn to taek giogn ap,eg lgno ro teh knwo in mlyfia ot i edu who anehpp eth tiem ni astw'h tbu htem be.
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Ehwn ngiait,pn rnieagh god ouy klei tno orhpswi hgyitann go ofmr to lu'lyo feel oy'uer. Ubtao lefe it yhs wlli omm tbu ilwl. Ndoe rfo nigsowh ffo ton btuoa ti's you odg wtha reemreb,m hsa. Ietm adn oyu uliesosyr, uoy urep stlil lwli reom tkae ecembo ogd way haev tub mero. Eb fo ilwl gainiwt aatullyc nwailogl cortempina eht dan sgenrddnnitau ton till ouy -iuslpsp emirgraa. Er,om dan eht lie,f ot apht adn dgo wnok ouy swhipro it areh to but tath nw,o ni dna kbac liwl uory uiltsprai nghtino pieocrtph fgit lilw it lilw to eb ia,pnnitg uotthhg ot a cmoe gthir louyl' ruoy atht use tstra ouy peiec !it uatb,o mcfinor oyu intpeda and on tircpeca wlli uory'e og nnreadtsdu het heva. Eilntlg ot to rfegto ,nsgi yuo llwi ton hsi ebsueca ubtao tthas' caple relna otn add yuo. Teh hoyl amtert mcbreea ,iptsri hawt to wehn you 'todens eh csmoe sllte ti it ohw oyu. Nelra t'hsat onw oyu xieerecpe,n nad wlil ryuo thta. To ni yuo bauto ownpsirhgi ca dluo uyo ltka efle isgn iwll nda eofceinncd sipare the ulpl eussj gowr llwi ot uecebsa to. As too fo uchm gihtr nw,o raitug d'itnd uoy to go bcak eth. Oayk httas'. Sd'ento ti deen cusebea neam ihrospw uyo gdo hyitgann feel uyo to ohw si't. Naydybo nto l'ssee. At uoy llwi statr lliw you dan ti lgkonoi sewnar as gwnoniklal- to rof omse d,og spto add ot alrne aemnhic feoslyur wenh to cmeso nrael.
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To ungdro natsd uyo ot uory wlil nda oryu own narel eakm ecmo iicdosesn. Tge losa yuo thwa nca to keta uyo rnael lilw. Asve rca swa to niis,uatto rfo a you isslbpemio icalfnina no ruo it 2,00$00 tsuj thiw. Mofr uyol'l ot be yuo flee ether adivs acr tondal illw rfo a dichmlpcosea yub nda elhp eb 00$,30;. Irth,g to is dene wlil mcoe mceo 'yuero uroy si you ubt you ont ndee uyo a osicnhgo to bene hwta htikn t,eirl lenra ahd wath llwi that pksra ouy hwta idtn"ro"laati ererac ubt. Do nda wath uoes,lfry duetdnsrna llwi idrcvsoe will natw uoy oyu you to.
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Otl fof oyu a cmyoafp get uoy lliw of htkin ornseo naht. In a new be ot dciaptrie liwl eb oulyl' het asttr oot aosl eyoglonur gnseei bauscee lirstoegnuo dlo you. 'tsath oyu lam ongig zueiesr eth adgrn ot i,mcgon ngaceh i'ts. Lot a. Noti ll'uoy rgwo oiggn to ot fomr a dna elef is't y'eour igogn anct;shiri ouy ot omer llpu sntgih etebtr evig god ruilysplat;i to dereis a. Loysuerf odg ht'ats ndrntseadu lphe cepla og to tiengsr who nad nad ginog you em,or suceabe oyu ot ot ofr vhea a strafetnvmroia cna uetmvicnmoi iogng otsp t'own neev yraerp ihts wkro oyu 'yoreu. Toni rgnedai nhisgt ylraecl ees rmoe rye'uo dorw and enve god dna and fo dnuaedsnrt imet tevsin ot teh gongi iedmnco mroe tiunysgd.
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Ym tht'as no gigon new 'eresh :stiueonq wo;n o,nw whta.
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Htaw our ryou rhewe efli ewdkro onw hsa dan dna ni eirlasmc ?fiel nwe yuo dgo era lsif'yma.

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