Hey...

Dear FutureMe, In my last letter, I said I didn't feel obligated to apply myself to my English teacher's claims that our year was acting very entited. I said I felt bad, which I still do, but I knew I wasn't one of the students who he was aiming at. I convinced myself that I had little, if not zero, entitlment in my mindset. However, today, I was upset. First, this morning, I was very rushed. I was frustrated and confused at my late waking because I'd gone to bed earlier than usual, and still woke up more tired than I typically am. I attended my elective and as I was on my way to second hour, science, I noticed my friends' pretty jewlry and realized I'd forgotten my own. I had left it in my backpack from my basketball game the day before. As we sat down in science, I lost track of thoughts about jewlry as our science teacher came in, very grumpy and ticked off. She told us because our year was suffering so awfully with 'seniorism' and being so rude and lazy that our lab today was postponed to tomorrow. She went on to tell us that we were turning into the kids from ghetto schools across town. She shamed us by saying the only differnce is we have food at home and they don't. She explained that instead of a lab, we'd be watching a video about the lab, then quizzing on it with a Kahoot. She said that we weren't supposed to be doing anything fun, so pretend Kahoot isn't fun. We complied, scoffing and saying, "Ugh, Kahoot!" and "I hate Kahoot." "Do we really have to do Kahoot???" One boy said his comment rather loudly and she whipped around at him and told him he was being so impossibly rude. We defended him, telling her it was a joke and she explicitly told us to pretend Kahoot isn't fun, but she didn't listen and was still upset with him as she turned on the video. My thoughts returned to my jewlry. I sliipped my earrings on silently, my eyes on the air pressure. I couldn't believe I'd never known any of this until now. I felt foolish. My desk partner pulled out her planner to fill in what we were doing today, as we were required. I did the same. She finished her assignment from the day before that I'd already pasted into my notebook, deeming it unperfect, though I thought it looked fine. She is a perfectionist, I suppose. She dug through her pencil pouch for more pencil lead and shook the little container to see if there was any left. The lid popped open and skinny strips of dark lead scattered over the desk. I gathered them up in my hands and slid them back into the container, then returning my attention to the air pressure video. Once the video had ended, the teacher stood and pointed at my lab partner and I, screaming, "You ruined it for the entire class!" Unsure what we did, we glanced at each other and her, utterly confused and worried. "You may not think it's rude, but it is so, so rude." She mimicked me in a manner I completely did not understand, flipping her hair so high and dramaticaly, and rummaging with her own earings loudly and sloppily. I touched my tiny silver buds of earrings and asked myself if I had acted like that. She told me that me doing that had caused other classmates to watch me instead of the video. I was sure nobody cared about me putting in my earrings but I did not tell her that. She told my lab partner sharply that her doodling over there was beyond disrespectful, even though it was a science assignment she was trying to finish. She told us when we scattered things over the desk, it was very distruptive. I didn't understand how cleaning up a mess was a bad thing. If I'd left it there, she would've been even more upset, and yet... My next class was English and our Englisht eacher rehearsed a similar talk about entitlement and how he's handing out detentions left and right for tardiness, and he's also noticed that it's the same people engaged in the bullying issue previously in the semester. He went on and on then instructed us to finish our reading of Anne Frank and do the opinion-based assignment online. I looked for how long it should be several times in the instruction and unable to find it, I asked him. He said, "It's on Canvas." I told him I couldn't find it and several others chimed in that it wasn't there. He told me to refresh my page and it showed up. He snapped, "They're called eyes. You should, like, try them sometime, you know. Might come in handy." I nodded cheaply and went on with the assignment. He also told us that if we didn't fix it now, we were not going to leave a good impression, because now was the time to do that. He said, "If you come back here to visit, I mean come back, go ahead... but don't expect me to stop what I'm doing and talk to you." I felt that. I really like my English teacher. I don't want to be just another student on his radar and I especially don't want to be in the year that he or any of the teachers remembers as the entitled punks year. He's given us so much wisdom and taught us so many things, I don't want to come back to visit and him to label me as just another one of the selfish brats that one year. I'm extremely worried. I'm doing the best I can but I don't know how me by myself, can influence a whole grade. Any time someone brings up the entitlement, often they are saying that is dumb and they should just stop yelling at us. I tell them maybe the teachers have a point, because I don't want to be remembered as a bad year, but then they stop talking to me typically. The rest of the day was mostly uneventful but I still felt down from my science teacher's harsh and abrupt words the morning of. Furthermore, I discovered I'd lost the earing I'd so 'disruptively' put in somewhere during the day and it hadn't even mattered. It has now been eight hours since she told me what she did tel me and it still echoes in my head. I still feel upset, angry, shameful and embarassed that I was simply trying to look pretty. I feel uglier than ever. i don't think I should feel ugly. It wasn't as if I was trying to disrupt class. In fact I was trying to be fairly inconspicuous with putting in my earrigs, as to not disrupt class. I feel ugly but I think she should feel ugly. She said ugly words. That's ugly. I think it goes to prove a point that you should watch what you say. I've never done anything bad in her class. I've been fond of her as a teacher but the few remarks of this morning have brought her from near the top of my list to the riveting bottom. I guess, what I'm trying to say, is be careful what you say. Furthermore, I mentioned at the top how I didn't feel like I could apply myself to the 'entitlement' thing because I knew I never did not say thank you or please or be polite or grateful or anything. The English teacher had described it as being so used to people doing things for you and getting what you want, that you expect it, and that is exactly why he's calling us entitled. And I thought to myself as I left the classroom and said thank you to the boy holding the door, that I wasn't one he was talking to and I wasn't one who was entitled. I explained to my mom my science teacher's spew of the morning and she joked that I was becoming a troublemaker and some other things I didn't realy think were all that funny and joking. I felt in need of something good. I asked her if I could invite my friends over. I really needed some cheering up and the only time I'd felt happy that day was at lunch with my friends. She told us we were much too busy because we'd be going to the crayon factory, which was near 30 minutes away. I did not want to go to the crayon factory, and as I expressed this to her, she said I was being ungrateful. I was reminded of entitlement and I thought, "this isn't entitlement, this is just me having an opinion." Then after the crayon factory, which was as boring as I'd expected, we went home and i once again asked if I could be with my friends and my mom said no. I stumbled to my room to finish my homework, very upset. After everything that had happened today, all of which I told her, she didn't care enough to let me be with my friends. Then it hit me. That right there, what I'd just thought. that was entitlement. Or was it? Was it just me being a normal human being with needs and wants having a bad day and wanting something to make me happy? Or was I being entitled, thinking I deserve to be with my friends even after my mom took us to the crayon factory just because a teacher yelled at me? Future me, am I entitled? Am I an entitled brat like they say? Am I just like everyon else? Am I just as selfish? Am I so stupid for thinking I was not entitled simply because I say thank you to boys who hold open the door? I don't know. Or am i just having an opinion? Is that okay? Is it the adults who are being rude and denying us of the ability to just be a human being? Are the adults the issue? Is it ust our year or will years to come be like this? Can they really blame the kids or are the adults who eaised them and taught them to be like this the ones to blame? Future me, when you read this, you ought to have a little more knowledge than me now. So am I entitled or not? With listening love, listless luck and little loss, Gwen