A letter from Dec 13, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Hey hey! It's you from the past! Right now's kinda weird. It's finals week, and things are changing, and you have to make some decisions, and nothing ever feels right. I'm kind of worried about everything, and this is kind of dumb, but I had a revelation that's been kind of obvious for awhile, but it kind of clicked today: I put a lot of myself into my relationships, the people I surround myself with, and the people I look up to. And I have a lot of love for those people, and I want to make them happy and do things for them and be helpful, but sometimes I feel like the only thing that gives me worth is being helpful. I'm not sure people actually like having me around, but just think that I'm a nice person because of what I can do for them. And I get that that's not true. I've never really felt like a good person, but I try my best to make other people happy, and that should be enough. I guess it's also kind of unfair to the others to think that they don't actually care. My brain's just broken right now, and I just feel a bit lonely, I guess. That's okay too, though, and it's definitely okay if it still feels like that. You've gotten through worse. Just make sure you're not getting stuck. You've got folks who care about you, who think you're cool, and who forgive you despite your mistakes. You're not a bad person. You're trying your best. This email's really for me more than it is for future-me. That's okay. I think it might be worth reading it anyway. Love, K