A letter from Sep 05, 2022

Hey, It's present/past Ash again. Mother bought 2 cats the other day, she did it cause of that 17 year old she's in love with. (Gross, I know). I found out yesterday that Mittens (the cat I got) apparently doesn't like anyone other than me, she runs away from my mom and my brother, I even witnessed her run away from her old owner. Idk what it is about cats but they all love me for some reason, it's kind of annoying how much attention this cat wants, he's so needy. All day and all night he damands pets lmao. It's fine though, any cat owner knows how great it is to have a cat trust you, especially so quickly. My brothers cat just likes anyone and everyone. I noticed the cats both use my room as a safe space from my brother and mother. That's fine with me, I love animals and I'm happy they see my room as a place they can relax and feel safe in. **** this is off topic but I just scratched myself on the eyeball and it hurts Mother finally agreed to let me have a job but she constantly yells at me about it. Apparently I won't survive at work because I have OCD about my hands. I seriously want to **** her, I won't, obviously, but she continues to test my limits every day and it's getting so difficult to restrain myself. ANWAY I read warehouse yesterday and for some reason towards the end it broke me, it left me feeling so empty 💀 I still don't have a laptop, mother said to pick between a cat and a laptop, I chose laptop but I guess my choice was irrelevant. If she was going to get the cat instead of a laptop I don't see why she even asked me and got my hopes up in the first place. She better get me that **** laptop, I know that sounds like I'm ungrateful (which, yeah, I guess I am) but she can't just say she'll get me a laptop then backtrack without an actual reason. Like, I love the cat and all but for some reason I can't actually love him. I can't help but see him as some sort of replacement for Comett and I just hate that. I know I was the one who originally wanted a cat in the first place, but I didn't know i was gonna view it like this. I've never not loved an animal before, this is so weird. It's only the first week though, eventually I'll probably come around. You wanna know something? I don't think my depression is getting worse but this seriously feels like I'm back in 2018. I just start to want to break down in tears all the time for no reason, and when I'm not feeling like I'm going to cry for no reason whatsoever, my anxiety starts acting up for no reason. Even talking to Sophie is starting to feel like a chore, and we've spoken every day for almost 5 years now. Talking to people has always been a chore but she was the sole acception, she's my best friend but I find myself groaning at the mere thought of responding to her texts. Oh, I also ended up blocking Isabella a while ago, talking to her became too much even though we only spoke a few words every couple of days or so. I seriously didn't like her. My thoughts of suicide are coming up more often again, and it's not because of my family being super abusive this time, my mom isn't as bad as she used to be (probably because of the apartment) but for some reason my mental health hasn't changed. I find myself wanting to die but I can't even find the reason for it, nothing particularly bad has happened to me I'm just sick of living I guess. I mean, I don't even do anything. I don't go outside, I don't leave my room, I don't eat more than once a day because eating is such a **** chore. Eating is so boring, it tastes so boring, it's gross. I don't want to do it, so I don't. I don't even use the bathroom as often as I should because I don't have the motivation to get up. All I do is watch YouTube and anime, nothing brings me any form of excitement. I get no happiness from TV like I used to, I stopped gaming because it got so **** boring and started seeming like a chore. I cut ties with the streamers I was friends with and stopped watching twitch at all. I have no idea what's wrong with me, nothing happened. Literally nothing, it doesn't feel like my depression has gotten worse so why tf can't I find the motivation to do anything?! All I want to do anymore is sleep, I always have headaches from oversleeping. I don't even really like sleeping but what else can I do? Sleeping gives me a break from living. I know I'm still alive and everything, but sleeping is probably the closest thing to ***** without actually dying. I don't want to do this anymore. I wasn't even supposed to live past 11-12. Its December and I'm still not enrolled in a school, I have tons of diagnosed mental illnesses that to unmedicated, but even if I did have medication I wouldn't take it. Medicine makes me feel week and that's assuming I even have the willpower or motivation to get up and take them. I don't even take the medicine I need for my health conditions or allergies. Typing this made me feel sick for no reason. I feel like crying. This isn't fair. I'm seriously contemplating ******* myself now, but I've already failed so many times. God now I'm crying, I'm so ******* pathetic, why the hell am I crying? **** I can't stop It's really stupid, isn't it? The only reason I'm alive right now. A random *** person on Quora telling me something along the lines of "You've found something you're not good at, so give up and find something else." I was gonna use drastic measures that day to **** myself, they didn't even leave their comment up, but I saw it. That was so long ago but I still think of it, idk why but that alone made me decide to not do it. Hell, it even made me cry for some stupid reason. Idk why I'm talking about this. I finally stopped crying lmao. I feel so ******* pathetic, I mean, seriously. I've tried over, what, 10 times to **** myself? How ******* useless do you have to be to fail at the one thing everyone wants of you that many times? How can you not manage to **** yourself? Worthless. How does someone manage to have the people at their (old) school, the teachers, therapist, AND family hate them? I don't even interact with anyone so why are Sophie and Gary the only people in this stupid town the only people who know me that don't hate me or want me dead? Wth did I do to them? Nothing. That's what. Oh, my doctor doesn't particularly like me either, but I don't think she hates me, even if she does call me names. In any case, I'm not at that school or town anymore. I don't even leave my house so thankfully I don't have to worry about their gazes, rumors, or mean words. I'm literally a people pleaser, I let them use me as their doormat if they want, I'd **** myself (non fatal) if they asked just so they wouldn't hate me, so what the **** did I do to warrant such hatred? I avoided people, I never spoke unless I was spoken to, I never talked, never laughed, and never smiled. I've had people think I was mute. Or "think" (more as a means to make fun of me) I was emotionless. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. I'm planning on leaving this country if I don't die first, severing ties with my family, and completely changing my identity. I don't want to have any relations to this **** place. I seriously hate it here. I hate everyone here. I didn't mean to rant like this, sorry. I'm going to sleep, this is stupid. Happy 16th.