A letter from Jun 30, 2022

Dear FutureMe, This is the lowest I've ever been. I thought it was bad when I was 12 but at least I had support and friends, I thought it was even worse the beginning of freshman year when I only had maily and I was constantly fighting with mom and dad and I hated every second I was in the house. But today July 3rd 2022 is the lowest point I've been in my life, it's been weeks since I have gone outside, the only reason I leave my bed is to sit on the couch. I feel nauseous and guilty everytime I eat, I can't stop staring at my phone. I'm trying to distract myself but every day I think about Isaak, I still have on the monkey necklace, I haven't taken it off since that night we were up till 4. I even have the promise ring I was going to give him when I saw him, I haven't taken it off since we stopped talking. I keep thinking if I keep reminders of him that he'll come back, but he's always online and he hasn't messaged since his trip to New York. I need to just block him but I don't have the heart. I love him, but I also don't. He's my entire world but he's also the thing that destroys it. A year ago, I would of told you I'd marry him, that we'd have 3 kids in a cute little house with a pool, that he's my soulmate. But now, there is no future with him. No kids. No house. Nothing, and I don't want a future if he's not in it. I could never love another or even think of them in the way I thought of Isaak. I hope you read this, I hope that I pull thru so you have a future. I'm fighting.