A letter from May 31st, 2022

Peaceful right?

Dear Alexandra, I honestly thought that there was a letter waiting to be sent to you for your 21st birthday but there isn't so that's where I come in. Happy 21st. I know we've always found aging to be weird, and now at 20 we still don't feel like an adult yet. It's scary as there are so many things in life that you aren't aware of, and so many things that you are hoping for. I do wish the best for you, and that you are taking the steps you need to to grow and have the life you are dreaming of. I don't think that much is going to change in the five months between me writing this letter and you receiving it but just in case I'll tell you where I am at. I am still working as a front desk agent at the hotel. I like the job but I'm getting tired of this 9-5 schedule. Are we doing anything different? Along with that, have we moved into a new place? That's one of my goals right now, to find a place of my own instead of having roommates but it is difficult. I cannot afford to do it here in Austin, so I have been considering moving back to our hometown. What did we end up doing? I also want to start school, but without needing to work at the same time. I always have trouble managing a job and school, so please tell me that we are able to figure that out. I know the stress from Ma makes us want to do otherwise but please don't let her stop you from doing what you want to do. You know that this is your life and that at some point, you need to take a stand and live your life the way you want to. Please don't let her continue controlling you. You deserve so much better than that. Along with that, are we still with John? By the time that I am writing this, he is supposed to be coming back in a few days but two weeks from then, he is supposed to find out whether or not he will be leaving soon again. I really hope he didn't leave, I like him a lot and I want things to continue with him. But I know that it is a possibility, so if he did end up leaving, what happened after that? I have been having some issues with my mental health recently. I know that it would be a lot better if I went and saw someone and got some help but I'm scared. I'm also tired. I want this to be over with, I don't want to feel this way. If things haven't gotten better, please, see someone. I know what can happen if this goes untreated and while we may feel that we don't care, somewhere deep down, we do. It's a seesaw really. Because one day I'm happy with how things are and I plan for my future. but the next day I don't even see a life for myself. I'm not going to actively do anything but I know that if something happens, then that's that and I'd get what I wanted. I just worry about hurting those close to me. Please be okay. I didn't mean for this to be a sad letter, but I am concerned about us and I really just want what is best for you. I hope that you find yourself, I hope that you find what you have been looking for. You are an amazing person and I am proud of you for making it this far. I love you, Alexandra. Take care and please write back. Sincerely, Your Younger Self P.S. Listen to Secret for the Mad by Dodie Clark, Tokyo Drift by Teriyaki Boyz, Boss Bitch by Doja Cat, and Don't Forget Where You Belong by One Direction

Epilogue

4 months later

Dear Alexandra,

You've always had issues with not feeling your age, and every year when your birthday comes around, it's strange. Well, you turned 21 and in all honesty, it...

Iemt reffdneit tihs eself. Dan igfenel ubt nac smeo ma thta rhete i an i fo gngwrio hree eelf i otn have say at,udl klei filaynl elik still essusi i.
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Ddi ,thoel vtneh'a kwor eht erhe we etg orf knwoigr even illst ubt adn ta dtroompe a eneb eray we ew. Payph aws erevddes eryv weer dan rcreowkso it rof su lewl uor. Ewn bnee tiufifcdl utb sha ngdinif veil alpec ti to a. . . Cakb r'wee enmwtooh and to a cmngoebi ruo niomvg emrcmtou. Dornlald i to trcernu lliw ym iotenc syreetady ni eb dan airpl lpcdae ym invomg. .
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Ew 0,00200 egnrina ovuerns sa itsh aer lsmie m,ove sllit ofr vinigrd juts i'm thigylls dlnai dna sse'h. Ht,at lanog iwht whti 'its l. T. Adn t. S. . In rucoc rdeoirw twha ot su nda fi nbweete het is dhenpaep m'i htat naiga inogg a,tps uobta. Emt,h but d'nto gnhits ynjeo esrnfid bgien antw to huost i i og iwth. Kcba eb go alets ese in deen ll'we and uro mhtwoneo lwe'l mpiles we ot ghsint woh fi vome ta tu,o hhto,gu os be tjus tlalht'.
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R,emo am by ngigo dtsna for a dan syemfl ym doniessci tainkg i. Bretet a hnkit olesp are i a thwi ,ma 'ist but itlsl ppeysirl etlitl tihnsg. Lto ym phles catsiedn a iegpnek. Ot soearn i nheec ruo eatnhor acbk to ownhtemo avhe lulf to mite cshloo og ,lfal cakb the cddedie vomgni r'wee ni. I a eitm lliw dan reeh my jbo prat fi het ot i evnglia my bela eb niigfdn ma at esftienb ackb tohle bjo etg.
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Nad jnho utboa. . . Nredut yitndiet he a tuo awht he us drifeentf dtol ormf mpltclyoee to yeha, evha wll,e. To infd fater urtth eatrf eaerrh,sc hte t i ebla tou swa rhohgtou. S. Ehs mih pinusisocs rothgub botua pu mseo ahd. You gthohur goolkin eh to when etwrh uoy tub no gdiifnn ouy enyom ot us was your freta nidtd' yte a oonwllgif tuohhg rmiec im' ta guinrnn ttah tehn even ircem mtocmi nhte eh yuo curose the ???yawa hougrth adn iwht iwth ti, ont it to of oyu tsill dan aiuilhrso si rudgno htigastr ttah uyo tugobh uyro uarynaw cpesat si mace enagch im?h?? enve allyer wteand gte yaczr oryu to ot titsnouia lynig to nad hitw taht hnitg neciudnto ber-upka thwi acbk tou tsya yruo tdoos siiiporrte ihm hmi owlhe enddee sppstrao ldga dsni,teetii tapr nad hte ffo tub egt loolfw nleiasshotirp gtrheet,o. We peaephnd omer but from eethr rheet htwa ttah wohel know troy,s eradlay tol ot a si.
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Trhgohu lsitl mletna nriwkgo tehalh our eerw'. Mnviog shprtatie id' tstra a i ilke tge elstet ot neiesg once ftera. Thta we tmso dysa ayo,k inogd tub tno btetre are. Ngoihemst rfeigu y,oak ltl'i tou be 'lil.
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Era ouy hiwt ddi bt,es ulodw phypa gnisht us i tryuenlcr oryu rof how hatt be ginog you onwk nad. I het su druop ptu ma wo,n tath rewhe i yuo os you in ot fo you lal rwok nad tge anthk ot ma ofr. Vleo i you.
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Syc,nlerei.
Lefs ldoer ryou.
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P. S. Fo os s'ntah etelrt ncsie ehetr ntsmho a swa ietwntr ni eenb nnie eristnste i eidnelts its' oyru humc gehnac smiuc toseh son,gs ot nlyo enbe oru oto.

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