A letter from Jan 31st, 2022

Dear FutureMe, You're venting to yourself since you have no one else atm. Last week was a disaster, we kept getting anxiety (attacks maybe) due to dysphoria, we couldn't breath nor think. Our mental health was declining and we entered in "loops" of anxiety, a thought would get stuck inside our head. I shaved my hair yesterday with the intent of living all behind, my past self, my past friends, my past thoughts... But shaving my head didn't fix me, I wasn't feeling well yesterday and today was for sure one of the worst days of the year for my mental health. It's not that I didn't have fun with Global Classroom, but I just couldn't talk, my mouth would stop working, like when you have so much to say that you don't day anything. Everyone was so loud and had so much to share, meanwhile I just stood there, trying to keep breathing. At least Neo told Annie and she was very nice about it, she noticed I just couldn't keep going and told me i didn't have to intervene, although I'll always feel like I lost an opportunity. I also had a weird moment bc Neo put his hand over my leg i can't remember why and my brain was just like "tell her to stop tell her to stop", but at the same time it was okay? It was very confusing. I feel very bad for Neo bc we're probably not gonna go to the NYC meeting and it's completely my fault. Well FutureMe, I hope we're better now, I really hope we've reached rock bottom, I also hope we're alive, it doesn't seem like a possibility now tho, i dont wanna live and i don't wanna die. I hope we've started T already bc I'm not going to all these doctors in vain. Stay alive, please, Nico.