A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Rs)sbamieang it i ohssw grwno who nices hmuc beuseac nkith tbi vi'e. .
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Mitda bitadyrh tbi my a asw i cufdifilt atth. Lyerp saw yertpt eewk nhomts dwosatr sthi rglapnisi tfrea, i adb nhgniitk htat tfreuu utb two 'im nrtiiwg het. Hmcu srnduoirnug dnauitogra os dna i dnydlsue rndgidae icomytnum i ltfe dna etrstad iieh,sontplsar itnyeurtcan. Me sfnrdie oogd ma jy--oi ucsh dna dna nsho,rticsmgo feildl yb aactul a utb yaimfl sevlo sbesdel ethri hiwt veol eespitd uodsernudr swa at,th ot my eb byhratid. Tseteprit vhae i was i & keca; a anna end ti eth atbyrrrswe mme,a seen it ,laanan asw hignt yb idd ever and oemheadm utlalacy ihngva up. Hseou ahd a ioucslide i mmudsi rdnine at. Rfo em caegr ot eard httsa' yuro ltrete tbu nesvior dan i hvea iontrmtpa nda dceeterlf no iecfrpmte yflems fo orf woh is reew hwo ti veeyr cabk xsdteei ew. .
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Ikel ndot' i hmcu csien my i'ev utb od elfe 'mi owkn so sttwie!en i istll 'im 7,1 kiel ot ttha eb i hnte in gdanceh llsti hsoten, elfe. Ym ni atht lli' ot albe thta of a kpee lief ti tnouc bnee egilsnbs oems "kcledlh"ii 'ive os hmwiys. H(yw of all ti ihgtns es,y onit 'mi ddi dan ddi gige,nnneeir i aogrjimn utrcemop uotbd kmae t,h)?a?t ni loeclge you. Twha diefenrft (i tub erpneeixce eseatgrt peeetxdc ni aols we life erfcldnosi ameby is ebne ym ned lil)ionsi fo fo s'it up di' eernv teh teh it tnha os hguohtt. Nad iv'e am cevordesdi os ie'v adn adh owrng sad hwo sady h,tnisg a rhda i uchm sa lylare tbu nposer. Ym up alslm own animgaz i dan ni toumymnci dndee aiepreshdl ioujnr sa ttwtrieeseb fomr gninfisih ropug vene gpsieptn si thta an nda fduon a le-hwreia-dch ymlsef tireniyrsvta up raye nowd 'mi. Ferdins iev' oundf lflegi-on. Elndi hte ;)! abuto esmurm vene pnsrtneiih up llginsa-reht eavh i hte na ofr. . . Heh. If speel d'ton lcesduhe trbtee nwok si i my ayn. Nhitk it i aws oaubt salayw bda now ,ti that ypertt. Eomr of aewk tniiyeefld tsi' umch pu a lyare segtlrgu to.
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Eohrt kew/yeveer abseecu aisk,ntg ihts douhsl tdsreat nwhe kalt hthnga i i hda read uboat sti' go tiwh gania ustj nufny telter ekew tsgiank eeyrv ot atth ouy. Ergifne si trg-t-hii uyro'e. 'evi laaytcul osal n!to ro mesrnhaf ,arey edcpki my ngetot i iqtue reroblanllgid it pu gdoo iebveel. Trigau (do'uy eidectx na eb gbouth i botua oag ticreelc emmssru adn wto os tht)a. Is ryttep my tariug ta alngpy'is gauitr altes tub ym ahtt chum nto bre,tet.
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Isllt im' of usrceo argdnwi. Sapt rof hrtgitaf, to adhrre hte rat omst ym saw teh meit ts'i detsiuo oncetionvn my fsitr i jnrayua of i mgizaan shit ssegu tbu lods istfr eenxreicpe it iem!t nad ndif ladteb darw to i at. Nad i sldo veen wath utp ni etn akbc maed tou i stemi. Yoneeevr owh aws wlnob saw by lcoo adn aayw pevuoirstp i. 0/101 fi rkow aws inree,xpcee wolud of -eagnnvaei- do not beylluoast ti a. Teru meflys uto emadr ym iayspld aws elik oemc own okrw a ngesie ntpugit adn on trhee. .
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Onkw 'ill gnimco my reeoextdvrt sedi puno i odrsderieecv vhae lleegco ot oyu. Amny emt lribceedin peolep vei' so. Wnko ecom ng,oe hwile i ear emos for hrtose efli my fnsedri heva nda. Ams etak nad aaannl. Ugy hhgutto fo i verne a no ebcmoe a arn a slecsto rnaodm meag ligr iton ym udwlo dna i cinotsnadf eth sbuletmd iton gtinh tow hwo restte. Sith lltupsaiyir iesivat;yrnrt adn srodw ni phsaed em sah lnlntoafdoaiyu onudf i ctiyumomn ehom doyebn. Orhhgtu hrutts ynma iv'e dhra silidpshicpe so elndera. Isde dhar teh torhe adh rngtsero cmeo uto reossiocntnav dan 'ive. "wkno emsna ocrvidse wdno my inyfall ti dan let to nad nkwon alwsl ve'i to be htaw elneadr. Lluadde the reraeil, sa i " leopetylcm anth's ot nego wyaa ieriyntusc. Ohw vocie utb ev'i resoth my ro slei hwat edah not ym in ni eeirdazl hst,cir atth em assy het erepcive in iytndiet. S,o rfo i i nkwo i nad ltfagreu am am od,lve ahtt os.
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Usp adn sienc fo icnteidn nda yea,r scrhude neeb no eenv trominca geoclel per i rahse ifar stlae v'ei f,)rea oasl wnods adn dksea at( ym truhgoh eon ogne tou. M,tsei ahtt eevrlsa at. Hghi nto oolchs ouy lvdeu'ow 'its em ohsiemntg rvee ,edcpexet. Ot nidsetm wtosadr atcrysci dha ermmeber ttah krow eceollg nmicgo ,aeyh ew rpehot?iasinls otu dt'din hwne htta gtrae upno. Htat pu eayr gsracinr ogn,l nfshmear a inohgsmte we eaon,yntrfutlu nogl etim dndee su rof leepad noti. On sautlf rstat iths urht i indtd' i adn cunapignk end a asw ym of so ,nolg tseserem ahsdmea tlo rfo and iuntl teh. Btu v'ie ceisn khnit htat i nfalle ceitw. A,eod-lrec snigofsnce aws ddi ddenlah eshot bmeonver eth lyfcrgauel lsta peopel ubt orf ew pgoru fo eno ayw c)atuylal nde so (ym ot taht oisnutati pu ,eteerjcd lsalm m'i nad htob turgfela i. My eeifglns btauo lto e'wre ,won dan a niyiubvteallr gnttrisu hwit eenv crlsoe dan hsoret atugth ti me. .
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A ,ti uyg of tills im' but snlingeess ueyrlcnrt a lgnkita am earfgtlu ni sosnea htgir i nad ofr own ot. I ysa ilke imh lodwu i. Ash go pgilynsrrsiu rvopen nebe li-vnefigig rgnow ntegime olcud rah,ydtus wre'e if fcta no be 'llti ti eraien-h-wyn ethubt-n- i not rues nad. Rea to imen ish than to rilngean ebne pla,n 'gsdo sitgurtn taht reusnerrd ebrtte owh yaws nad vei'. Orf of m'i hits ugfletra rnructe uyg elraergsds wtah eha,npps. Atth ephnpsa spsopue thmno in ro see hatw i tiwh ewl'l so a.
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Ylifma hitw. . . Ti's pecldmcoita. Yuo neth even abkc it ash ayslaw indt'd liaerez fi ebn,e it. Dtyoa earfnlyuttuno rsheto me i avhe lot fo eevn woh tlerea a ttha to eceollg ncaupk cmgino dpsaeh to oercfd ot hurts llitte. Otl a sess,iu fo iwth nubaiilylvert hte cthnmetata eggrtussl. . . . Woh mste yteh ardise erwe omfr we do. Eth in to nensrbokes to rsmte bnee 'sti cmeo adn uro utdiiflfc iamlfy thiw. Be at'sht hits atth enrs-soinlize-aga nyahewer omhe tisegbg hrarte i fo lgtesugsr teh of dwoul oen neeb btu nrtuecr. Ilhange iresde dog u,rht rof efa,r is even oylswl eht orntloc nad ,hten. Etl ntwa i vie' eth oyak lsvie aldreize grip go 'rssesit ot of ot my i'ts voer vhea. To teh eb rthdi o'ndt aveh rnapte i. Heitr dntaoorehp nirowgg ni ear ylcataul nda nsaerpt tfaih my. Atht nehoug sltil in ym eht twih ihrte ttrus rytul lseesdb oeucrs geg/aetenanyst me ctaf nwo eyfrenql,tu eenv sayer em m'i ery'het thhugo of ettx tirsess and ot. Uoy ttleer uyo be wlil shti the wtero asilabel o,w(w soon erwe eag enhw. Sat'ht cyrza. ).
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Natigkl tlsil c,fta to nuf il am i. Kidcek abthi i i enerv ssgeu atht. In h'eetry lslit em ikepegn hckec.
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Fitha reve tnha egtrnors 'mi hyapp toprre my si ot taht. Ot nwo my ahwt ayerll eamk it adh itfha nemat ot ym idversoc i. A mnaet kbac daeizler odg einthslrapoi i athw ihm ihtw hwo i vnee fi hcmu hne,t i eden rseunntdad 'itddn. Aenlrde fini-igvegl htat ihnnotg ni ester'h tahn mreo crpseene i mylips hsi etrnigs adn itogconfmr. Indareg eyerv klie iv'e blbie eosm tdaestr ,pu cbak teh sultiiapr migonnr ncseilispid. D2n at rof my been roclgciyoahol,nl urggnnido to bbiel edddcei no!w iwhle elireza ot s'he 'im hngpsai welho the tsi' bilneirdyc eilf ihts owh eebn odog rhothug lal nda hte maleus i drea. Teh i daerveyy ascbuee ti uerfut aniyext in i ooskl nkwo whta to klei menmtos orf mhi stutr lsse oahrrb het. Sa you a en,ht uoy mslal neev rfo fitah fo tkoo cakb oe1dr5--ayl hkatn etpss letitl eth. Hkint arf i've hwo oyud' of be mceo rdpou i.
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Sya wdante hn,te tlef i os rdoeeehvwml thta i uoy nkwo jsut fo you adn uodrp mi' kcab to. Ouy uyo tkep giong o;ut asw ti tghgdeu nwhe rhda it. To big eurs wordl dna mi' su eht eseemd ycars. Sltil esd,o ismsmeote ti. Afr btu im' os whti go tlsil oklo bcak is rheet to i and at rehwe rmof amec i ontovincic ileldf taht. Npal is sdg'o dernauetv ot adn naprret na ,odgo get i eilrbnidce in. Kosol amedaz em, fiel own be ou'yd neiefrfdt ta rfo em woh tilelt. Os ubt 'mi o,s pipaerh muhc. .
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Rfo to itopn gettign em htskna htis. Ofr vnggii up snahkt tno. Elov you i. Ni 'slet ookl sr!eay bcak teghoert eoarnth feiv.
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Yileren,sc.
Mofr rtufue eth uoy.
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