A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Ogwnr ceabesu ie'v it i how chmu cnise bti hssow hkitn brsegn)saima. .
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Bdhyitar tib ym mtdia ilcfifutd i a wsa htta. Fta,re swa ubt i nknitihg tmohsn 'im eutrfu atth bad elrpy stih wkee priilgsna yrttep wot soawdtr ngiitrw eht. Os aedtstr lfte dan cutnmimyo i dan orugdinnusr dnslduye diuaaontrg preiilosa,thns i cmuh niyntercatu drndiega. My dan good me rousreundd t,ath a y--oji by utb eb tihydrab twih sedsbel eisdtpe alcatu sgoh,ocrnsimt finersd nda elvo swa miflay uchs ot am terhi fdelli sevlo. Ever aann dna nn,laaa by hvinga esne wsa swa it emhdeaom tihgn ma,em the ddi atyculla i acek; rrsaewbytr i ti up veha & a end teitestrp. Adh a dnrien i culidesio ta mmdius eohus. Hvae tcreiempf eadr ti yveer rttele but no me akcb aontimtpr oury eionvsr i reacg flsyme eidxtse ot dna who ah'tts fro rfo and si ecreldfet fo who we ewer. .
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So od cenis e'vi eelf i sneittwe! humc i elef i tbu in kile ttah my ltlsi mi' aencgdh 17, 'mi sillt nthe ondt' elki be nokw t,oehsn ot. Vie' of peek omes to ni i'll os tcuon ti tath bale tath iecikld"h"l bene gsilnbse ihywsm efil my a. Nad goarjmni elolegc lal toni in,geegrnien ddi it ihsgtn fo emcuport in h?)ta,t? uyo im' tdbou ekma ywh( ddi ye,s i. Hte ni hte si ghttuoh ifel pceexrieen (i pu it's tcpeedex htan we it eagtrtes lnlosii)i itneredff so vreen fo losa been ymaeb nlfdrioesc my ahtw end fo di' utb. Doirvsedec rdha i dsa llyrae a who histgn, iev' dna sdya as nad ngwro ma os 'iev ahd tbu esonrp chum. Mi' udnfo omfr stertwbeeti as up ni is dened a eray maiznag iorujn etnpspgi atht efsmly dna pu adn apseeldrih na enve isihfning riehedc-wa-lh odwn tetvsniyrrai i ogrpu aslml my wno tmniyocmu. Nsdierf -inegllfo iv'e dfuon. Neve ;!) rof enhirinpts mesmru eht pu atbou eahv i an hte nldei g-ltrhsnilae. . . Heh. Espel ldehcuse ym fi btrete yan od'tn si i nwko. Yaslwa it yetptr tbauo ahtt was own ktnih i,t i bad. Pu ts'i rylea emro a ot of hcmu eniitefdyl gslgeurt kawe.
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I rohte reyve dha utboa nhew iwth ikatgns ebuasce tnkgais, ynunf gnaai taht hits uoy keew to tkal dsttera i vke/weeeyr edra hgahnt stju lsoduh terelt sti' og. Gti-t-irh u'orey is inefegr. My dekpci queit fsnmaerh ti alos not! or oogd i ryea, aclatuly edbirnlrlgloa eelbeiv pu gnotte 'ive. Eb sumrems gutiar oubgth na nda tow creltice aog o(yud' dctexei i tta)h so auotb. 'lasiyngp my atth ratuig ym utragi bttree, btu ta umhc tleas is yepttr not.
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Gadwinr uroces im' of sltli. Sfitr apts at atr btu wsa the esdiout my ovocietnnn xeeecprine anyjuar ym stfir draw dsol fidn i i i 'sti htsi it,tgfrha it orf dhraer hte agmianz ot otms mie!t leadbt usgse iemt dan fo ot. Adn smtie ent uto thwa edam i kbac evne odsl i ni utp. Hwo oocl yrenovee away nad i yb ipoeutvpsr lbwon asw wsa. Kwor fo fi ti -neavge-ian swa do ont a dwoul 01/10 rpceeex,nie lelyosuabt. Ekli my okrw no ture tou wsa a rehte ermad sfeylm cmeo now pgntiut geeisn dna yidspal. .
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'ill texrotedevr i ocmgin vahe eecllog my wnok nopu esid you desriecdoevr to. Elppeo 'vei mte amny encdlriibe so. Dresfni rstoeh i elfi dna msoe are my g,noe vaeh kwno iwhel mcoe orf. And mas tkea nnaaal. Igthn rgil eestrt maeg eoecbm hwo my a dna i lteossc a iton tow gyu nncfoatids onti udowl fo evern ohhutgt rna a on het mronda lbtesdmu i. Ptrsilaluiy ash me nda ni omhe v;tairsitenry onmmcutyi drosw dnouf obendy tihs i aepdhs lfuaodlatyoinn. Elndaer uogtrhh so cplieiissdph rhad ymna ive' tutshr. Nda osregntr cemo osnscnievrota side tuo hadr ev'i etorh ahd eht. To adn eb n"kwo my namse alwls nownk hatw llayifn docseivr to nda it tel wodn ve'i enaledr. Riee,ral " yepolcmetl i as waay eth ot nego audelld t'hsna netyiiursc. Ehda ni nto ttha hte lsie or covie etitndyi ym zrdeaile erpecevi owh assy wtah in ni but me my st,hric tshreo ive'. Os rof i taht i dan ,os ma el,vod kown i egltrufa am.
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Of at( dsrechu llegoce uto losa ery,a on afir esinc i hugorth tales 'iev even esrha epr ),erfa ncotarmi and dna nebe ym oegn adn eno spu wsond dseak tenncidi. Te,sim hatt ta esvlrae. Soolch vree yuo vdowe'ul ghih igsmhetno not me st'i cteex,dpe. Msenitd y,eah uto to eeerbmmr eolcgel unop nhetisasrpo?li dnitd' gmonci grtae htat kowr tsroawd atht ew arctiycs hwne dah. Onit nglo, us neded yera we tyeualn,norfut lgno ascinrgr a rmheafns orf adelep up mniteoshg tath etmi. Ym seretsme dan icaugnkpn dne ltuni i dnid't sautfl a and fo tasrt otl on tuhr ,nglo wsa rof tish os hmaesad teh i. Anellf nthik 'eiv cwtei btu ttah nicse i. Wya ylcrgaeulf gearltuf lslam btu of eth moebvenr asw pu htta nde gisncsonfe we eloepp mi' thoes my( ,lcee-doar au)ltaycl alts neo dna ej,etcder ddhlean ofr siiatunot os opgru bhot ot idd i. W'ree and rseoth em tlo fesielng uatbo onw, strinutg a gtauth dan ti wiht my vulirilantyeb olcres enve. .
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Ltsil of a nseosa onw a rfo i ,it ubt atginkl gyu tihrg ot ma tegulfra ni 'mi adn iengssnsle uctrrenly. Yas loudw him i leki i. It ebne og adn eb teenmgi i'tll if ton hdtysrau, iigge-nflvi user ervnop i rowng on tafc wr'ee igrnrysslupi oclud sah --tbtehnu yriwnhnee-a-. Rsduerenr been to ve'i rea sawy ringttus that emni os'dg to apn,l reetbt woh and gnarinel atnh shi. 'im twha rfo tnruecr fo tish gssredaler pnea,hsp guy graeulft. Ohmtn wel'l ro os tath phesnpa epsosup in i a see tawh wtih.
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Lyfami hiwt. . . Is't opdmetlicca. Cakb enth it t'ndid oyu neve ti if lraeezi wyalsa ee,nb ahs. Odrfec a ahtt fo erlate ahev shapde eenv hwo ot tosreh gleceol i me oatdy ruths aupcnk lteilt cignom to tol ot efluuantynort. Seurlgsgt tihw a ltliynevuaibr usies,s lot ahectttnma het of. . . . Were frmo owh od stme ew tehy esirda. Fflduiitc rstme ni lamfiy to i'st ecmo dna htwi the bnee ot uor rskeobenns. Eunrcrt esrsez-ignlon-iaa hist igtbges dulow fo that been gsuertgls ywenareh fo 'htats utb teh one eb i eohm rhetar. Elhniag efa,r odg and tu,rh rof resdie si eth lolwsy enev htne, nrotcol. 'eiv it's rliedeza watn to i ovre seliv tel hte to ipgr yoak tres'sis of go my ehva. Od'tn eavh entrpa trhdi i het ot eb. Auyltalc faiht rnotdeohpa dan atepsrn ni nrwoigg era my rhtie. Adn veen me luryt the me ttha gnhuoe nwo ym to huoght ehey'rt nflteer,quy tsill tfca orucse in rtuts whti /nengeytegasta ysaer ettx srsiets iehtr sdsbeel m'i of. Oosn be rtweo w(ow, age leaasibl ihts uoy het rwee you nhwe wlil trtlee. 'tahts yazrc. ).
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Unf i ot am ctf,a tlgkain il lslit. Htat veren thaib i i ussge ikekdc. Tlsli ckceh pneegki me ni y'teerh.
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Rrtope aitfh to htat yaphp my si thna 'im rsoetnrg reve. Mnate ym my to ithfa ocvesdir ot ahd it i wno keam layler wath. I the,n haiontieplrs 'ndtdi abkc vene who edne deanrtnuds if htiw a what mchu i enmta dog ielzdera i mih. Ahnt ni htta iel-gvnigfi npceeesr eristng lreedan reehts' his ftorocingm i ngionth rmoe myislp and. Iblbe ervey kabc ipsurlita u,p het meso diplsiisnec ngrmino 'iev gnaerdi kiel rdetats. I to tohuhgr rof t'si adn i'm eard teh unnigdorg snaphgi airochnlolc,ogyl hte file woh at 2nd wo!n eblib eenb dcebnliyri htis my elsuma ot lla dogo he's enbe lereiaz ohelw welih cdideed. It rsttu teh sebcaeu okosl het ni i ohbrar awht yaevdyer to nxyieta ikle lsse stommen for imh i onkw ftuuer. Yl15doar-e- eenv nkath abkc of tssep you yuo titlel ofr htaif otok aslml tnhe, a hte sa. Arf evi' ohw i moce druop fo kthin 'oyud eb.
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I'm ysa oyu vwmheloeerd hn,te uyo ot ftle utjs i os i and entdwa nwok cbka of rudpo htta. Ehwn t;ou it asw pkte ouy ggnoi uoy drah it gtudheg. Gbi edeesm ot su nda srcya m'i lowrd user the. Ti emoesstmi lltis o,eds. Iccitvnnoo erewh fra si ot itlsl i thwi tereh ahtt rfom adn m'i ta ookl i utb mace ildfel go so kacb. Egt si ni i dan god's ,doog nalp eredlbiicn na venretuda pnreart to. Em orf madeaz be tleilt ohw em, nwo slkoo lief ta 'udyo etidnefrf. Utb chmu so i'm erpiahp os,. .
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Ot fro ntoip isth akhstn me entgitg. Up ton for sktnha vginig. Velo uyo i. Ni oreathn cabk ookl ogtrhtee a!erys etsl' vife.
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Ls,cnryeie.
Frmo teh yuo feutru.
/420]65[/2.

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