A letter from 15 year old you

Peaceful right?

Dear Future Me, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! who cares about your age--go celebrate! eat a ton of cake, even if you don't feel like it (get that type with the strawberries and whipped cream that we like because it isn't too sweet)! buy yourself a nice present! treat yourself to whatever you're craving! go call your parents and sisters, and if possible, go meet up with them in person. hug a pet, and if you don't have one, hug someone else's. this is a big milestone, you know. scary, but big nonetheless. i want to be the first one to celebrate for you. i don't know what or how you'll be doing, but know you've come a long way and i am so proud of you for never giving up on life. how crazy is it to think that you're 20 now? an adult? that's crazy and quite unfathomable to me right now, to be honest. i may be a high school junior, but mentally i still feel like a freshman. it feels like i never got past 13. ever since the pandemic started, it feels like time simultaneously stopped and flew past. it's disorienting, to say the least. things are a bit chaotic right now, with classes and all that--calc and chemistry have not been treating me well, obviously. and the stuff with relationships and figuring myself out.. it's so confusing. but anyways, i want an update on your life, so tell me: how's everything going? tell me everything! i'm really unsure of what i want to do in the future right now. did you end up deciding what to major in? what college are you at, if you're in college? are you having fun? is it as scary and exciting as you'd always imagined? are you still keeping in touch with old friends? don't forget to take care of yourself always. i hope you're better at cooking than i am now, so cook or bake yourself something nice and stay hydrated. and make sure not to pull too many all-nighters in a row. are you still keeping up with your interests? i hope you didn't drop drawing or piano. despite the struggles we've had along the way, i think it's part of who we are. have you started a webtoon yet? have you finally learned a liszt piece like you always wanted? how's your guitar playing? and here's a suggestion: if you're bored, why not pick up skating again? i went skating yesterday for the first time in three years, and it was so nice to be back on the ice. i hope you have time to maybe go for a skate now and then! how are your personal relationships going? things are a bit rocky for me right now. i'm going through a lot of uncertainty and i'm still trying to figure myself out. i'm insecure when it comes to my friendships, and i hope you've managed to overcome it a bit. if you find yourself lonely, give yourself a hug and pick yourself up. reach out to new people and don't be afraid. oh, and let me know if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! i know right now i'm kind of on the fence when it comes to romance and relationships, but i think in the end i do want a partner. just remember to be careful and not rush into anything. i hope that you haven't done anything you've regretted, and that you'll be better with not leading people on. oh, and right now... everything with grandma's dementia. it's hard. it's really hard. by the time you read this, she'll probably be gone. i don't know what to expect when the day comes--grief? shock? maybe even relief? i don't know. i hope you're doing okay. remember to give everyone you love a hug. if it's happened, know that she loved you so, so much. i hope you're doing okay on your own! we always had a fear of separation, i think, even if we never admitted it. right now i'm worried for my sisters' futures even though i really shouldn't be-- how are they doing? please stay in touch with them, give them hugs, text them when they need it and be there for them. you know how much you love them. and for our parents, don't forget to tell them how much you love them and how much you're thankful for them. i hope you're in a stable situation, and i hope for the best. i'm really curious-- are you still talking to li? if you aren't, what made you stop? was it gradual? when did you realize you didn't need them anymore? was it sad? and if you are, that's cool!! i honestly can't imagine being without them, at this point. oh, and i hope you don't let go of your faith as well. religion is a touchy subject these days, but i hope it keeps you anchored and i hope we both learn not to be ashamed of it. in a world that's ever-changing, don't forget your core values. if you've let go or your hold has slipped, that's okay. pull yourself back up. ahh... i don't know what these next five years will hold. it's a long, long time, and to be honest, i'm scared. however, i have a feeling you'll be able to figure it out. for me, thinking about it makes my head spin. it feels like my current circumstances (global pandemic, school stress, family issues, overall detachment) are already overwhelming. i can't imagine what it's like for you, and i worry about it. but i know that if you're reading this, you've come so, so far. i hope you're happy. i hope you're proud of what you've done, because i'm proud of you. and you know what? if things aren't the way you've hoped, there's always more chances to pick yourself up. remember that you're loved by more people than you even know. happy birthday! i love you so, so much. cheers to a great rest of your life. i'll see you in five years. sincerely, you [12/17/2021]

Epilogue

2 months later

Hi, past me!

Wow, we were so different back then. It's cool to look back and reflect on the things that were important to us then (even if it's a...

Mcuh ohw cueeasb geb)nrsmaias snice itb it i e'iv kthni soswh nworg. .
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Atht my itb hiybrdta a i fflduitci swa tiadm. I gnlispari tub 'mi eth wsa atth ekwe wto ostmhn tpeytr wrgtiin tefa,r hiingnkt ufretu rsaodwt yprel abd hsit. Dna dtasert cytnimmou ysddulen aratdiguon much dan felt so ahetn,silopirs i rudinousgrn idadegnr nityraetucn i. Schu ,htta thiw odgo unrrseudod ma by adbtyrhi rsinfde tbu deflil adn dan rieth joy--i pitesed ym tuaacl eb to desselb solev timg,hsnsoroc wsa eovl mflyai a em. Nees it wayrbstrre e;cka ignth i ti n,aanal i pu was did vghani lcyatalu & a anna ned adn yb meam, aoeehmdm the veha evre tseptteir asw. Adh idrnen lucedoiis ta i a hoesu mimsud. Icteprefm wree raceg oyru yevre on me adn ofr ietsdxe nrvseoi how eretlt lcedtrfee heva oarinttpm ot fo ti read dan who 'atsth for ew eflsmy tub acbk i is. .
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Mchu be hdgcean eefl i ot istll 'im i keil so nkow thta ecins my i utb o,nseht vie' 'im tenh in 'dotn its!etewn ilek 17, fele iltls od. To of ealb ym atth ni siblesng a epek tath whyims so vi'e it life toncu ll'i ldcek"ihil" eben esom. Ni inarjgmo lal onti it bduto did w(hy ta?)h,t? ey,s nda uyo eamk nhsgit eoprmutc 'im i nreningigee, fo llogeec did. Pxcetdee so of si olsa bnee of fiel pxreeecine (i my di' in fefiternd i'ts nath nvere ahwt up yebma ubt ew het uhhottg reteatsg erocnfldis )ioinslli hte it den. Rnpeso adsy dereovidsc orwng das so lrlaey ,inhsgt dah cmuh am a e'vi tub vei' and i owh sa nda rdah. Nad na ouirjn ngptpesi up nmigaza ofmr msall ym dened rgpou yaer aiehresdpl bettrsetwie nduof mointcyum wno sa thta vtsayenitrir is nda i ni a eylsfm down pu i'm neve eiah-lrhcd-we finihisgn. Onufd 'evi nlielo-fg dnrefsi. Na nertiispnh eht up otbua !); eht neev orf elrs-nhaligt heva i rsuemm dilen. . . Heh. I 'dont plsee nwok ttrbee my is ayn if duehelsc. Atht ytrtep ysaalw asw wno it i,t buoat adb tkhin i. Hcum ot tgselgur itnfeleidy of pu t'is elary wake orme a.
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Ot teroh 'tis i ahd htsi htat kwee esauecb i fnnyu go knigsta tganhh read leetrt ,sankitg wtih you eyrev weekv/erye aigna lkta lsohud whne dettsra outba tusj. Eroyu' rneiefg is r-hitti-g. Efsrnmah lsao lutlcaay tegont my i pu ti dpkcei or vie' ,eyar qiuet eeivble odog airbrllgodenl nt!o. And os udoy'( goa wot ta)ht rliceetc gobtuh uobta gtiaru mssmrue excetid eb i na. Ltase umch is ,treebt tub at yil'gnaps ym trauig ym ttah otn ettpry igutra.
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Sceuor im' anwgdir fo slitl. To i fitrs rfo itme swa nad awrd smot i at ym niocnenvto rta tub ifdn ym azgainm i ueiodst 'ist ruajyan hsti ti het lsod apst et!im the ecipeneerx ldteba sgeus fo ig,htfrta frsit rdehra ot. Slod smeti hatw otu dan enev emda i ent i in kabc tup. Aws lcoo i onlbw adn roeeeyvn yb evporiputs wsa owh waya. Wsa inereecp,xe 00/11 aanve-ie-gn eyablusolt ont a udlow ti fo orwk od if. Out no adn eethr keli omec a rwko fsyelm now medra wsa ym gitptun sldpaiy eengis reut. .
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Eogcell videerdcsoer desi to i mgiocn l'il oxvdrtetere my oknw ouy veha nopu. Ibdierlecn vi'e eoelpp tem nmay so. Orf rae iewhl wokn my thsreo eifl ceom i snfrdie adn ehva g,one semo. Ktae asm adn aanaln. Tnoi a ym mgae thghout nigth ebeocm a aomndr fo oint i woh ernve ran tmsldbue lgir no hte adn gyu two a wuldo dinatfcnso loescts tterse i. In doyben adn i auoaldtnnioyfl desaph lriisyupalt hmeo rtenr;ivitsay ufdno em mynomutci shit hsa rwosd. 'ive os dsipecshpili eeanlrd uohghtr myan rthtus arhd. Dha teh nda moce v'ie dies uot horte rsreotng notecrvoiasns arhd. Adn nifylla nda donw it nw"ok 'eiv lte lsalw twha nnkwo dvroseic mensa ndealer ym to to be. I as tlyolmpece eir,aler nurctyiies noge daudell " ot teh shtan' ywaa. In how sirc,th rvpeecei rtseho ym not voeci tath awht ro ni dlarieez aedh em ssay 'ive ym sile tub ni het tiynetdi. Os rof i ma am i oevld, ttha i rftluega so, dan wkno.
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I rey,a my nswdo psu nda dan altes cogelle geno been nda (at slao icntedin irfa hsrae akesd out itomnarc rpe encsi srdhcue v'ie of oen eevn )erf,a on tuorhgh. Itesm, htta esrelav at. Socloh em rvee decte,xep not hihg stnhmgoei yuo t'si oedlv'uw. Dha d'ditn we atht gnicmo wnhe taht garet uto to reemrbme cleloeg nuop oissrhlnpetia? rcsyiatc roaswtd rwko yahe, stniedm. Ednde itme pu crsgrani aery lo,ng fro mfesharn that a thgenosmi ew ya,nnteourutlf oint us edelap nlog. Of rtsta i erssteem nti'dd tlo teh my adn os utlin ruht i ancpngkui haeadms no ,ongl rfo swa a slutaf dan end sthi. I ealnfl ie'v cnsie btu ihktn atth iwtec. Vmorneeb den but cuflrlegya idd inscoenfgs ougpr oen ehadlnd of so re,jeedtc orf and ywa ioasuitnt tafuglre lsat both oesht ttah ot ew samll i pu peolep teh ym( 'im acl-oe,edr lctlua)ya saw. Vene and me nirivyetlblau e'rew isutntgr ti ym bauto lnigefse a tlo htosre dan ow,n lsrcoe ithw utagth. .
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Ot gyu llsit i'm a a ntkiagl am own sneaso utb esisgnlnse ,ti gelrufta ofr rclyeturn in i fo adn ghrit. Lowud i hmi elki yas i. Ont ti prevno i eniigfgvi-l on eb wryai-h-nnee wgnro ash l'ilt go dna ntbuth-e- fi nbee 'erew atcf enmgtie usre r,dsaytuh iyilsrrnpusg dlcuo. Owh tbreet ot errudersn vei' hatt era ritntsug 'sdog adn hsi nebe iergnlan nal,p hnat nime to sawy. Gfretlau a,hnpeps egasdelrsr utrcner waht this uyg 'mi for of. Ihtw tmnho a os eopsups lwel' tawh ro hpnesap in i ttha ees.
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Htwi imyalf. . . Ist' coeatlcimpd. Oyu ti neth neve acbk e,bne ti sah dnt'id swayla fi izeelar. Stuhr evne cnmgio doaty to ietllt ohw a otl avhe arleet dhpeas ot that nrtlfnyaoueut goellec kcunap erfcod to of retosh me i. Ihwt euss,si of teh a tol tlssguerg lilrevyinbuta ctmetathan. . . . We mtse teyh od wree iaerds ohw from. Eth in to nnorsesbke been ersmt ctflidifu to ylimaf mceo iwth dan uor 'ist. I siht tnrcrue lstsrugge of sirenngoieasa-z-l fo meoh wneahrey gsbgtei eb noe het bene htta rtreha ouwld tub hsa'tt. Nad iresde ,thur afer, het ehtn, neev tcoronl wysllo ofr heialgn god si. Tnaw eth aezidelr of istrss'e haev to vseli si't i go my ovre koay vei' iprg ot lte. Thidr aevh be rntpea i to otn'd teh. Nda tafih hteir ngwroig eoprohatnd era ni erpatns ym atullyca. Orcseu fcta yrsea nequ,flteyr wno tlsil ahtt turts fo my ot rutyl me evne eonghu uohhtg h'eerty ent/geasyengta ssirtes eth me ni i'm and dlbssee hietr ttex thwi. Newh you gea nsoo weer eb you ertlte (oww, eowtr lseaiabl wlli tish teh. 'ttahs cyarz. ).
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Llsti ot am fnu fcat, i ailntgk il. I kiedck ahitb erven sgeus thta i. 'hyerte chkce tills eigepnk ni em.
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Oerrntsg ahtn 'mi evre iafth my si ot ahtt tprero happy. Ti my alyelr dah onw ftiah enamt tawh i ot ekma ym coievrsd ot. Imh i abkc hitw a riepaohtlsni metna i i fi dgo nd'tdi ,nthe eden hwat hcum hwo enev denanrsudt zieadlre. Thta nhta ceenpres -viegifnlig heest'r ni nda roem nongiht i ish ctmgnfrioo eitgnrs yplsim eernald. Daegirn ,up altiipusr ilke 'vei inmgnro arttdes iniedispcsl ilbeb emos yerev kbac eth. Odgo nwo! my elfi eht hweil this rbyilindec lcoygoaiorcn,hll ebne i ta hte daer ot lal hewlo ielbb orngnudgi snpaghi usleam 'tis reaizle deddiec i'm dan ofr hse' bene to how htgorhu d2n. Teh nwko skool ihm for eth rufute less tnexiya ni ot i thaw nmemsto yvrdyaee i bsuaeec ti rhraob trtus ikle. H,net ifath abck yuo eenv fro sestp tkoo of ettlli uoy almsl as ktahn the a rde5--l1yoa. Think meco arf duyo' eb eiv' who of i drpou.
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Felt htne, htat i'm nkow dan ays i ouy dpuro to i ustj of elmhwoevdre bkca so uoy etdwan. Ot;u ekpt ewnh dhar yuo ti saw uoy iongg ueghgtd ti. Yacsr and the gbi owrdl us seur sdeeem m'i to. Stmoeimes d,soe ti iltsl. Bkca si at dleilf olok nda lislt eacm ehetr so thwi to afr but i icncivonto go where i taht i'm ormf. I si iirdeecnlb etnaprr d,ogo dan 'sodg egt na uaedvnter lapn to in. For zadmea wno 'ouyd litlte fedniterf elfi be solko ta em woh e,m. But ,os umhc im' so eiapprh. .
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Tsih to nsthak em rfo opitn ttgeign. Ont pu hatkns for inivgg. Yuo i loev. Ni goerteht feiv se!ray athnroe back okol tsl'e.
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Sreei,lcny.
Mofr utfure you hte.
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