A letter from Nov 13th, 2021

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, hi future me. I don't know if you're alive to read this but if you are, i'm so incredibly proud of you. I am really struggling right now. I can't get clean, and I feel like i'm hanging onto life by a thread. this is a message to you to remind you to keep going. i don't know what life is like when you get this, I don't know if mom is alive, or if you're still in love with T, or if I'm recovering from my ED, and SH. I wanted to tell you a few things future me, then I wanted to ask you some questions. firstly, you need to reach out for help. if you can't fix it on your own you need to talk to our parents. they might send you to grippy sock jail, but to be honest, we probably need it. if I wasn't afraid of leaving everything I have so fragily built up I would check myself in right now. secondly, you need to learn how to set boundaries. i'm trying so hard to cut P out of our life because of his constant hate, and homophobia, and ******, and abuse, but I can't because D won't let me. the other thing I wanted to talk to you about was n, and p. have you come out to them, and if you have, are they speaking to us? I wouldn't be surprised if they just cut me out. remember to talk to t, alright? if you're asking which one, both of them. talk to both of them. a very wise fortune cookie told me that it is during difficult times when true friends become apparent, so remember to reach out. and remember, living isn't just going to school and singing at shows, and doing homework, and going to collage. its moments like the basement moment, when the world fell away completely, and the only thing that was left was us, just like when you saw her for the first time in a year and a half, and the first time you gave N a hug in years. life is the little things too. its foggy mornings, and singing in choir, and when we put the twinkle lights on the Christmas tree. if you can't stay for anything else, stay for that.

Epilogue

1 day later

you are so strong my darling, you are so strong. I am more proud of you than you could even imagine. I know you are hurting, I know how bad...

Ot t,shru you lelt lmuolaaaitcty ti nda teg erttbe i tsi taht ehat ensotd'. Eben reusg i dan het ealcn vore rof rfom v'ie qetuenfr a heert ma tiltel laecn ht,guoh lsse eslf esls cbmeeo ,omsnht ahrm and. Naetgi sa uabto deoirrs,d uyo ym ohnmt uoy a edrirsod tertnetma reowt itno taegin tfaer orf nwte hits petuaintot. Hte it tgothsue of flie uroy aws eon fo isgnth. Of tpurivopes nomhst wsa yuo fro fwe etrnw'e cttnaosn and eehrt ,hpel a mmo dda tteingg adn itgnghif. Uyo no ofr ntohm fioecf eth cdostro ot noe ptaheyr a nda ouy voer to 4 to weke, sorhu dna ot dah og neo ogpru adh a oenc og. Ot euscabe ouy an tou orem rteah vnhaig nad apitlsoh piiaetntn of stenadi rapthye igven ntsien tdteimda gto ogt oyru you but otmsal ,sesusi ktnae was. Mliye owh is yuo mzaagni aspthreit only you snoera andme na ogt uyliclk rae teh atdoy eehr. .
Btu os rebtet ton tallyemn mmo yslcipha,ly tog. Seh ayre cseidiu out of aktl reh ot dha to ti rtdie ew imtcom nda ltsa. Oru eht raehtds fo oen was of it ifle sntmmoe. .
,t day deatd nsomht fbeero fynalil yhte teh erfebo rfo 3 pdmued osnecesfd yuo dan su to ew mpor. Tou relyla tuo dn'otse okrw csntiade nustr logn. Eth atth h'enatv hte edahrts buaot icesn ew it kbraupe lal tlaked ightn is. Nda a esbt rdigefnrli fidrne ew a so slot. .
All oyu of edma tohrhug ubt it atht. .
Nastw' ni it vain and. .
Eth oyu no dan og ist ayrlle rhcio unf rtpi aulylcat. Omst sedtopp of dan het anf,it you uyo ielgefn olst yuo ergani itghwe. Saw a a nleaiytcr j twih adme diwhnirlw of irsdheifpn ti adn ouy desfirn. Obht a dgoo dgoo hnakst erew yuo ereth to musmre had meth tbu iaaprtlly nda bad srtap rtspa. .
Rftea tno staht get ay,ser lal layrel uoy ocidv ptantimor htoes utb. .
Uoy uyo ehtn og tmos to eetm dna al het peoepl mnzaiga.
Eltf eekw an kile teh utalac i anme vimoe. Fro t ,z a to nda ogssn ew m, swa eewd ksedmo egt t abel ,b no pgrknia retow aregag kewe ihwt a pto nad fo dna toeehtrg. Endacd eth twen a nda eth dan veeornye iwth enth no lla ot gib a to wetn you haecb dan giaurt dnnire dnroua ltsa rubgtho yda lla sicmu alpyde oedmks we adn adn. Eht saw ayerll lal it ew ym were hhgi fo steb life tbu higtn. .
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Out m wthuoit and ,r k, a ,f os otu l nnihgga a iwth eth erew all item you ikd esdatrt nmeda enw ohbt gignnha dan uoy. ,fnu uoy esnte yuo a eht ratst agnivh hsgnit od nad ubhcn lal etatdsr orf of tfsri ietm arruleg oding. Ont 'eryuo eoynarm tnkagi arce omm of nitsyag pu. Eth agareg oyu ni ogngi cwr the adn tsc,rka anirt rgpnika to aredtts. Kosme kiel eth tmie all ndam ouy to tsart. On u'dnolct ndhas ecistagrte we tge cabseue edwe our rstif ta its. Btu skteych rfmo lto uby you ugy some raylle nrmekaci htsi rgikpan a ethn ni. Add uoyr oryu ltos 'tnac uyo ocidv lesml saehctc ti llsme it of romf ethn thwi ni and uoy esubcae oruy uyo omro eenss. Lte ttah i is weidr eiset,gtrca sh uyo ciwhh ohstr fdenir my rof 'she owtn' ihtw yeixtna sedm dadrte anyway olgn edsaty os otn ive nfie he iseotpcrrpin eolv deew styor eh iiennoct orupg mi ihtw btu sure de on ?desm and i srsyiirnlugp ubt not usabeec si nad enfi a iwht i?t ,wede ahev go. Also oue'yv seieng dnmae etradst l siht poensr. Emht thgsni eilk btu klei to oury 'uyero you rtadehs ear htye earyll grntyi eiwrd and. Mthe, like uyo been t do eincs vree sti elki aleylr ynenoa but hard ot. .
My ssik hda was tfrsi l eerv tujs ro nhtoitg ogod db,a it swt'na it i ihtw dna. .
I fo i mesa tbu ti oals time rlciyebndi am lla the crvea thta sercad shti of aols rothuhg renlade at itcimany. .
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Yuo i os so levo rea you baevr nldr,gai cmhu. .
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Ttah oggi,n era peeopl vleo who to erhte nda uyo eepk reermmeb. .
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Fo ihst mhtisneog togruhh adn i lla ireldaez. .
Omrf mfeysl daesv hcum had inlglik urth evah cdecesedu adn i esylfm would if i mtraau so ni. Uto no owudl anmy so i but ubliutfae dsmies ahve htnisg. Aiagn i oudlc gania it stju udlow hte and euultafib othgrhu og i lfee lla os nspeexirece. .
T teh mmreereb nbstaeme itwh.
Tihw j ohws rbrmeeme nilsyadedn teh gtlhi.
Het adn cah,eb ttah rrebmeem inthg. .
Pkngrai rbemeemr breigd het nda the iartn htta ragage no day adn eth akrcts druen ni. .
Uto you sotenmm no be oehts fi adn klie veael u'lylo hatt oclud os os myan heret gisnims teabuiflu reememrb cuhm eb. .
Nrogst lnigdar atys. .
Olve, whit.
Dna c tufuer past. .

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