A letter from Oct 7th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, ive been writing a lot of these letters lately. whenever i start writing though, i forget everything i wanna say. like five seconds ago, i had a million thoughts fighting each other in my head, and to be honest with me, i still do but i cant put it into words now. i dont know how to describe it to be honest. being honest. i wish i was as good of a person as i convince myself i am. i wish i stopped procrastinating. i wish i would just do it. maybe i should buy more nike clothing lol. i wish i could stop turning everything into a joke because i cant talk about it. i wish i could talk about my feelings. i wish i had someone i could let it all out to. i wish i stopped pushing people away. i wish i was better. i wish i was skinnier, prettier, and more social. i used to be very social, what happened to me? i dont think this school's for me. like, im in a friend group and i have friends and stuff but somehow, it feels like i don't fit in, it feels like im not meant to be here, im not meant to be attending a pretty mainly white private all girls school. it just doesn't feel like me. oh but you got a scholarship nd this is your one way ticket to a good college and future. i dont even know anymore. ive been starting to avoid my friends. during lunch, i go up to the library and watch my shows, enjoying my company. they ask me, hey can you hang out after school. i tell them that im busy. and it repeats. i hate living like this. i hate this school. i dont belong heree. im not meant to be here. this isnt for me. but i dont have half the guts i need to tell my mom and even if i did, then what. even if she did allow for a transfer, where would i go? i dont even know man, stuff is tought right now. hey that rhymed lmao. i want to feel truly happy again. not this fake happiness that i pretend to be. ive been thinking lately. if i were to die, there would probably be hundreds and hundreds of people at my funeral. all acting like i meant something to them and that they truly miss me or whatver. ive seen this in second perspective. the other day my mom went to the funeral of this guy in his twenties that was our neighbor. there were hundreds, maybe thousands of people at the funeral. its crazy because im sure most of them have never even said or talked to him for more than five minutes. but now that hes dead, everyone remembers him. what a messed up world. i read this quote the other day. it said dead people receive more flowers than the living ones becuase regret is stronger than gratitude. i think it was by anne frank, and frankly i couldn't agree more. the world is so twisted and evil today and im only 14. i wonder whats it going to be like when im 14 or 20 or 30. my 7th grade science teacher told our class that california's gonna be underwater by the time we're 30 but said that lousiana will be perfect. he's from lousiana by the way. but no, he's probably right, im so sick of california. i wonder what my life would have been like if i were born in the dmv area or denver or houston. dont get me wrong, i dont hate the bay area, its just a very toxic place with not much diversity. i wish i lived in the dmv. or ohio. but mainly the dmv. virginia would be pretty cool. and dc. or maryland. idk. im not sure how i got here, because we started talking about feelings and then went to school and someone the subject changed to dead people and now im talking about where id like to live. no, you know where i really wanna live. ethiopia. i wish i could go and live there forver. trust me, once i go there, im never looking back. if i had an option, id choose ethiopia in a heartbeat. in a heartbeat. i've written a lot more than ive expected to write. its okay tho bc writings like therapy so its fine. i dont really know what im doing, but im going to deliver this to myself on december 31, 2021. right before new years to see if theres any progress. and if ur reading this, write another letter right now and deliver it to yourself on june 31 which you should have your permit by then. i love you. i hope you love me too. im not gonna reread this fr any errors bc i dont want to so yeah. bye for now.