A letter from Jun 1st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, How are you? Currently, I think I'm at the lowest point in my life. I've got the idea to write to myself everytime I think I've hit rock bottom. You obviously know what is happening with me right now. Honestly, it is very weird of my to address myself in such a way. Have I lost my mind? I'm not sure. I bet you're cringing right now. It's whatever, in another 5 years you will be cringing at your current self. To cut to the chase, Aje is very sick. She is currently attached to an oxygen machine. She almost never sleeps. It's a good day if she gets at least an hour of sleep. Because she does not sleep, she has began hallucinating. Taking care of her at night is my duty. It's a bit frightening when she starts seeing people that aren't there and then asks me about them. I hate it. But I'll probably get used to it, I hope not though. Sometimes I wish she was dead. I hate to see her suffering so much. Today, was a good day for her though. She got a bit of sleep and did not whimper too much last night. I really hope it'll be the same tonight. I stay up till 6 am in case she needs the toilet. Matt has given me access to his Netflix account. I been watching Skins UK. My favourite character is Tony. He's very interesting. That's what keeps me awake during my shift. Her broken leg was really the last nail in the coffin. As if she wasn't suffering before, since she broke her leg it's been quite the struggle. Teotya Hanifa has been great help. However, aje is weirdly hostile towards her. Also, Teotya Hanifa gets upset so easily. Probably because her little **** of a child eats her alive the whole day. Speaking of the little ****, living with Fatima has really sucked the soul out of me. Allah saktasin ondai minezdi baladan. She is literally what everyone would describe to be the least likable child ever. All the blame is on her mother. Her mother does not know how to discipline her. Fatima is retarded. A week ago I fixed up my hair. It's kind of a wolf cut type thing right now. Rip green hair doe. It's all gone now. I'm hoping to bleach my hair again. Bro, our eid money keeps going to necessities and ****. I need to spend it on something faster. Okay, since I'm writing you because I believe I'm at the lowest point in my life so far, id like to state another reason. Papa has not been able to pay for school again. It has stopped again and I cannot continue my studies. I was so close to finishing history and then next month English and the elective. My plan was to finish by July. I really wanna graduate together with Mike and go to college same year as him. I think graduation is possible unless some events happen in the future. I hope nothing bad happens and I can graduate and go to university to study architecture. Honestly, nothing ever ever goes at planned so I'm very scared this will fail too. I already pray that I can make it to uni as planned but I'm not sure. I'll keep praying though. I wanna get my life together so bad but everything just keeps spiraling out of my control. It pisses me the **** off. I know things could be much much worse than it is rn. Which is why I fear. I fear bad things are gonna happen and I won't be able to achieve my goals. Because that's how life is for the most part. Of course I am very grateful for the good things I have in my life. I'm grateful for my parents. Papa works very hard to provide with education and I respect that. But I ******* hate so unorganised he is. He never fulfills his promises. Speaking of parents, I haven't seen Mama in 9 months now. I miss her a lot. I wish I would be with her and forget about my problems and just hug her and spend time with her. I'm ******* tired of Fatima and Teotya Hanifa. Yeah, Teotya Hanifa is a good person and all that, but she's a stranger in our house. And I miss my mom so much :(. Man, I took so many things for granted. I didn't realize how good my life was before because I was focused on comparing myself to others. Yeah life is ****** compared to the normal teens who attend normal schools and graduate when they are supposed to. However, my life could've been much worse. I wish I acknowledged that earlier. Honestly, I wanna die. I want all of this **** to end. I'm not praying for *****, oh no. I'm just tired. So so tired. I wanna go to heaven already. But I thank Allah for all the things I have right now. I am not disabled, I got all my limbs in place, my face is pretty. My hair is pretty. All of that is great. Amira and Abdulla are safe and healthy and I'm grateful for that too. So many blessings in life. I know the current situation is tough but it's a test. I know I'll get through it inshallah. I know my life is tougher than the normal person but at the same time I had more privledges than the average. Why the **** am I trying to say all the good **** and feeling guilty about feeling bad. Bruh, I'm talking to myself and not anyone else. This is embarrassing. You already know how I'm gonna justify **** and how I'm grateful blah blah blah. I'm only here to complain. Smh, lost the track there. You're what, 23 years old now? I bet you're searching for a husband lol. You probably didn't get married because you're dumb and rejected people. Or you were like oh no I'm not ready blah blah. Yeah, dumb ***** go get married. Get some ****. Get yourself a man. Get your **** together. I hope you finished uni tho. I hope you're in architecture. I hope I'm not reading this crying because I didn't make it. Wow, that'd be a real bummer lol. Got me a bit depressed thinking about it. I hope you're reading this while you were trying to send yourself a university assignment. I hope you're happy and in a good place. I hope things are better for you now than it is for me currently. I pray everything get in its place. I pray my life is back to normal. I'm gonna be very very depressed if its not. Probably suicidal. Lol it's hurting me thinking about what it'd be like if I don't make it. I hope you're healthy and well. I hope nothing horrible happened. God I'm depressed thinking abt all that. Oh BTW BTW. Are you still friends with Mike, matt, Hailey and jj? Do you still at least talk to matt? When did jackbox end? Ugh I wish we had a time machine. I really live all jackbox members. I hope we interact for a good while. I named the cat mustovich so I can remember them forever. Greatest friend they are. Love them. Speaking of friends, what about aisha and laila? Did aisha get married? Did you attend her wedding? I'm gonna be reallll pissed if you didn't. Because that's probably gonna be dad's fault. Inshallah you made it ti her wedding. I can already imagine how **** everything would be. I hope your situation rn is not what I'm imagining. Lol I hope you didn't get forced into a mArriage or smth. Okay I have to wash the dishes now. I'll be praying now so you right now are in a better place. Tuesday, June 1, 2021.