A letter from Apr 8th, 2021

Dear you so uh I guess you'll be what 22? very old ew I'm not sure you'll actually ever get this email but I think this is probably more for me than you as you hopefully don't know anymore, my brain is small and I forget so I need to write a subject list -time travel -small worries -university -mortality -embrassment -covid (later addition) ok cool now I won't forget. am I still this odd? do I still do weird stuff like that? I mean Im not sure its weird exactly but I think you know what I mean. I don't understand social cues very well and I feel like Ive been raised by myself so I just uh do what logically makes the most sense? maybe you'll be like the people I'm currently scared of and have everything figured out and be able to do things like ask for a bus ticket or just even go to a shop without loosing a litre of sweat. that'd be nice to think about but for now i feel like it'll be like this forever. its suffocating. i really hope you don't still dread existing outside a void. anyways back to the task at hand. time travel. right. the reason I'm really writing this is because i had a good thought. usually my thoughts are pretty rude but this is a positive momentus occasion so I'm writing an essay about it. ( how do regular people celebrate small victories?) ok so. i am 17. you are probably 22. if time travel exists (which i hope it does) or even if the universe is expansive enough that like there's 'parallel' worlds, 17 year old me exists. now ok keep that thought. i exist right now. please don't forget about me. ok cool. this is hypocritical because if 12 year old me exists to 17 year old me in the same way 17 year old me exists to 22 year old me then i should respect her but honestly **** that *****. she was very stupid and like honestly annoying. i mean..... what the heck was she thinking. very bad taste in everything but music (has MCR made a new album? oh my god. wait i should talk about covid at some point) anyways yeah she sucks but i hope you don't think i suck. i mean i think i suck but i want validation from an adult. I'm trying my best. i really am. i feel sick all the time but I'm still going for third job,trying to prep for uni, learning to drive, doing an epq, levels, and dealing with all the normal stuff that's always present. I hope its paying of for you, and i hope you like me. or at least don't hate me. i really do want to feel better in the future. i cant live like this forever. every day is so horrible even when its not. i hop you're away from her, and i hope the other her is ok. maybe you've accepted that what they both did to you was wrong. i feel like i should know that now and i guess i do but I'm not going to allow myself to do anything but acknowledge its a logical possibility. you know what even if you haven't decided how to feel about it its ok. its probably easier to ignore it. it'll be ok at some point. um sorry i went on a bit of a tangent. ok next point small worries. everything right now feels suffocating. I'm worrying about eqp experiments and getting the bus tomorrow and making friends and things like that. so maybe you look at this and think wow your worries were dumb. and if you don't have to worry about things like getting a bus or seeing/making friends or her health then honestly please acknowledge what that means. you've done good, and its gone, and it'll go again. but maybe I'm just invalidating my current concerns idk. i mean some of the things young me worried about i still worry about. and i think 5 years of worrying is probably something you don't have forgotten at 22 so ill let you imagine. but i hope you have it good. maybe you do deserve it. (wow this is so nice compared to the last letter i got from myself saying I'm a dumb ******* *****) ok ok ok university. so right now sat in bed with casper at my side I'm planning on hopefully studying fine art at Falmouth. i hope you don't hate me for wanting to study art. at this current moment i don't want anything else and i don't think i could take anything else. i cant imagine that art wouldn't make you happy but maybe you don't want to do it as a career. I'm thinking about being an art teacher. or a police dog trainer. or a foster parent. although there's some problems with that. please don't adopt until you know they'll be safe with you. you cant do that until you yourself feel safe. right then mortality. yay. the main two things i need to know ( and if the answer to any of these things is not that everyone is ok and you think this is going to make you upset please just skip this chapter. i really really dontn want any of the people we care about to be gone) is firstly is soraya ok. the amount i worry about her is literally unreal, even though she would hate that. and the same for everyone else like blake and dover (although i am currently scared to talk to them due to brain being dumb as ****) and then also i guess are you alive? if you're not liv and you're reading this then I'm sorry that i left but I'm sure i had a good reason or it was unavoidable. and if you're liv and you're not dead uh, no offense but i never expected you to get to 22. so good for you? i bet 24 will be the year. such a nice number. is 8 and 4 still your favourite? they just feel so soft and kind. hold on is 3 still yellow? and scarf still like marroon? i wrote to write about embarrassment but I'm embarrassed to admit i need to pee. that's not what i was going to type but i do need to pee. but amelies in the bathroom. ugh. anyways um I'm embarrassed i forgot hold on i have to pee ok i remembered while peeing i can already see you like just cringing at my awkwardness and use of language but guess what buddy I'm feeling it to and I'm the one writing it so suck it up I'm not suffering alone today ok covid yay so how do i feel about it. right so i keep watching fils where people walk into shops not wearing masks and i start freaking out. honest i love the lack of social interaction however i feel like I've turned into a hermit workaholic. every time i go outside I'm more nervous than the last and its all super sucky. any progress i make just gets set back even further. but we have casper and willow and gus and sherb and i love them. ok my eyes hurt its midnight and i have an interview tomorrow. sorry for the spag and ill see you in 5 years byeeeeeeee