A letter from December 29th, 2020

Dear Me, It's your last day working at the neurosurgery clinic. It's a bittersweet day. I think since we grew up moving around a lot we crave change but it comes with some growing pains that we don't feel until the aftershock. I'm going to miss this place, I think. I've really grown to love Dr. Gaufin and it's hard to think of him getting so old. I wish people so kind and who have such a positive effect on the world were just immortal. I won't miss the other people here who have a very toxic mindset. I understand there will be people like this everywhere but I sure am glad to move on from these ones. In some ways it felt like I was back in high school, the way I was silenced and taken advantage of, while having minimal friends along the way. I wonder if my anxieties about death will be less when not surrounded by reminders of my mortality. Do you worry about driving still? Do you cry about Vance or Forest possibly dying suddenly? As I sit here I even worry that you wont be here to read it in a year. I hope you are. We have so much we could do, so many things we could contribute. So many things left to create!! I'm excited to pursue Ultrasound. I really do like radiology and even though I don't find myself passionate per say, I am passionate about the lifestyle I would like to live. Self-sufficient, off the grid, and pursuing the hobbies I am passionate about without a monetary value needing to be attached to them. I wonder if you stuck with it. Did the coronavirus just get worse? Were the classes too hard, was adjusting just too much? I know we tend to set lofty goals for ourself so if it was, I hope you're at peace with that. If you did push through, how does it feel to go from someone who barely graduated high school to someone who got into an extremely competitive medical program? Whatever happened throughout the year to get you where you are, I hope you're happy and just even a little bit more proud of yourself. It's been a hard and lonely year. I think unfortunately I've adjusted to being alone, I get so exhausted with social interactions and I tend to not be good at keeping conversations going. We met up with a few friends in the past couple weeks, the interactions with Nick and Emma especially made me want to be better at holding onto relationships. Did you make friends at school? Is having the in-laws so close nice or kind of intruding? We haven't been to church since March, we haven't done sacrament or zoom church for a few months either. Vance and I seem to be exhausted spiritually. I hope for his sake that Vance is a little more active and participating in our new ward. He seems to have a very strong belief in God, even if his faith in the specifics of the church wavers. I don't even know of God's existence to be honest. I've had experiences and I've served a mission but I just... don't know. I'm finally embracing my more logical and scientific brain, and the existence of God doesn't really make sense. I don't know if I'd ever leave the church, though. It seems it would be more traumatizing for my family and myself to make such an extreme lifestyle change. Even if I don't believe, the community is really nice. If there is a God, He sure has been good to me I think. What are your beliefs now? Do you participate in the church? Did you ever get a tattoo or more piercings? Speaking of appearance, it seems a big coping mechanism this year has been to focus on our outward appearance. I've kept up and even extended my undercut, cut bangs, kept up a black box dye color. I got a second piercing in my ears and experimented with new makeup. I sure have tried multiple times to lose weight. I've really only gained. If I could guess I'd say I'm at about 175 lbs. I sure don't want to get heavier than that. I want to do more with my body. I want to be capable and strong and healthy. I've toyed with the idea of getting into running, joining a rock climbing gym, or starting on kickboxing even. Did you get into anything like that? I sure hope you've prioritized something athletic even if you didn't lose a whole ton of weight. I hope as you're sitting here reading this after Christmas, I hope the holidays were good. I hope the virus is gone, I hope politics are boring again, I hope you think of yourself as cool. I hope you're more confident in your appearance and feel more comfortable in your skin. I hope you made this year a lot about self love an development. Wherever you're at with your goals, mental health, relationships... know that 23 is not the end of the line. A lot of people live full and long lives, you have such a great chance genetically that you will. you have plenty of time. What really matters is if you were kind to others and worked to enjoy the little things about life. Some other random questions/things to think about: -How big is Forest? He's 63 lbs right now and the vet says he is almost done growing. Is he calmer? Does he do well with a backyard? Did you end up getting him a friend? - How's your relationship with Vance? At this point you'll have been married 2.5 years! That's so crazy.. Since we've had so much down time this year with him I wonder if the change into a busier lifestyle will be a strain. We know to make time for each other so I'm sure we'll be okay. Still having weird dreams about exes? - Are you staying at the house we just signed on? Do you feel settled in and did you paint that office wall black like we daydreamed? - How's your plant collection coming along? Did all the OG's survive the move? Did you eventually get a rubber tree or palm? - Have you painted recently? I've had more inspiration lately but I haven't painted since before I got married. -What kind of music do you listen to? this year I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and occasionally relishing in old music tastes. I listened to a lot of Grimes, something about the electropop really scratched an itch. - How's your impulse control? Have you gotten better at controlling your tone and being more aware of boundaries/ the way you say things and appear to others? - Did you attend any protests or increase your activism in any way? - Are you better at typing? - Did you ever get diagnosed with ADHD? - Do you own a nice couch you feel comfortable sitting on? lol alright I'm gonna get back to work. we have like 4 more hours and then its just.. done. Crazy stuff. I hope you're doing better than I am. I'm sure you are. Even if things didn't go as planned I'm sure you made the best of it like you always do. Much love, Emery