A letter from November 25th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, What are you doing? I mean instead of what you should be doing? Right now your past self is writing this instead of working on our thesis. Because its what we do. We feel like we're not Good enough or we doubt ourself so we can blame something else like not having enough time or feeling lazy. But we both know that's not why you do it. It's because you keep putting in effort into yourself and no one sees it. The only one who cares about how well you do is you so deep down you're okay with letting us down because you don't care. Im really calling you out here but you need to hear it, from me. Because I know us, I know you. I know you want them to say I am proud of you but they wont because despite how hard you work it wont be enough for them, so let it be enough for you. It's their habit to shadow your achievements because your brothers cant do as well as you. They have special needs and they need more help and you sometimes hate yourself for it. You do it too, you pretend it means nothing even when it means so much to you, why? Why do you do that? You look back and wish that if I pretended I didn't understand my homework they would have helped me. But here's the truth. You don't need the help. You probably never will. That's why no matter how hard it gets you're hell bent on doing it on your own. You dont want their help. You want acknowledgment, attention you want to stop being invisible , because you're not special. you're. Average, normal, the same as everyone else and that's what hurts. Because you know exactly what you need but you're. So used to doing everything on your own you wont ask. You keep pretending you will figure it out on your own, and you will still blame others for it. Have you learnt to ask yet? Or are you still on your own?