A letter from September 22nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, heyyy bucko. bestie. uhh,, something else that starts with a b. you'll open up this letter in the future!!! woow. precisely a year later. ****, 12th grade huh? sucks to be you. though when you read this i'll be you so. sucks to suck, i guess? i got another letter like,,,2 weeks ago? i think? i had definitely forgotten it thats for sure. it was. bad. you remember it right? you have it saved anyway. in your photos if you already havent deleted it. dont read it again if you dont want to cry. just a warning. so uh,, why am i writing this? well. you remember that one letter we sent from 2018? you're supposed to open it in 2028 dont forget! and dont lose the physical copy either. im pretty sure i drew something on it... i don't really remember. uhh i have some questions!! firstly, have you actually made up your mind about what you'll be studying? yeah we keep saying that maybe i guess maybe you'll study translating for books or some **** but. that seems a little boring yknow? i trust you to have at least a few more options! ah. sorry. you are probably pretty scared, right? 12th grade seems scary to me. and so far away. im trusting you to be more responsible! and study! and... be more smart dammit!! oh i just remembered, how are your classmates? i only have 4 other people in class as of now. (**** corona. hows that going btw?) i dont really talk much to them but you probably know that way more than me. though surely after spending a year with them you are more comfortable? i hope so!! good luck. now enough about you!! right now im really REALLY into haikyuu!! im even planing to make a manga wall! i have all the pages ready but mom still hasnt gotten the glue so. OH OH!!!!! how was season 4????? i still have 2 weeks to actually see it but you've already seen it!!! lucky... i love all of inarizaki 💖💖 now onto some heavy stuff. have some tissues nearby!!! hows çağla? **** shes 19 now eh? we celebrated her birthday a few weeks ago and she being 18 still aint registering w me haha. which university is she going to anyway? does she ever decide what she wants to study? so many questions.. also!!! idk if she did ever move away like she claims she will but if she did.. call her!!!! bug her i know for a fact that you miss her!! oh and say that you need all her notes ever so you can study!!! she wont believe you but its worth a try hehe. hows mom? she keeps saying she'll divorce dad but i dont think she has the balls. she always keeps saying stuff and never keeping her word. you know her better now though. a whole year more. hope she is better. hope you can maybe rely on her sometimes. im sure you already are though, you always did keep forgiving everyone so easily, yeah? we really should work on that... hows dad? he is working really hard these days. i still cant help but admire him a bit too much. tell him you think he is the best!! i know even someone as amazing as him can feel bad sometimes. and speak to him more!!! he really loves us, and i know you do too, but try to show it a bit more okay? hug him real tight for me. hows tiptip? he got sick again. you know the same old. pissing blood and all. he is on new medication rn. at least he likes this one! he doesn't try to spit it back out like the old one. and he keeps dragging ant corpses into the bed with his big *** butt!!!!! tell him to stop and then kiss him on his lil cat forehead and tell him u love him. good. at last, how are you? i sure rambled a lot in this! but i know how much you love reading them so i made this one extra long! hey. just between you and me. i dont know how to actually make you feel better. but i can say some words and hope they comfort you. before that though. we uh. came real close that one night yeah? when tiptip (im still shocked haha) stopped you? loneliness is really scary. not just sometimes, but everytime. i know that you know this better than anyone. there isn't anything wrong with yearning, or crying your sadness away. everytime you cry at night but survive anyways you get stronger. hey, tears make eyelashes longer right? they at least did something. um. sorry i need to a bit more sensitive about this yeah? **** haha. im crying rn so. uh. i want you to know that it will be a hard road ahead of you when you read this, the beginning of the end if you will. the exams are closing in and responsibilities seems so so so hard to bear. but just grit your teeth. get through. you are so much stronger than what your tears and insecurities tell you. please make it through and dont give up. you know what i mean by that. im going to be real blunt here so. brace yourself. ******* yourself wont make everything and every responsibility go away. maybe it will, we dont know whats on the other side after all. but try to think about dad and mom and çağla. what would they think? feel? not good im sure. sometimes, i know you think it too, i wish i didn't believe in Allah. it would be so much easier right? but no. life is hard and rough and unforgiving but im sure its real fun too. please, get to experience all the pain and joy. hug a friend or family. dont let that ugly loneliness rule you. you dont need someone to love you to love yourself. i'll say it first and you repeat. okay? i love you. ready? 'i love you too.' thanks. i know that was hard to say. dont let me hold you up now! dont let them miss you, bye for now :) -derin