A letter from September 13th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I wrote one of these sometime earlier this year I think, but I figured I'd give it another go. I remember asking myself if I would have a boyfriend or if I had my first kiss by next year. Well it hasn't been a full year, but I had a boyfriend. Wrishi. We met up in August for the first time and then again in September for labor day. I ended up breaking up with him earlier this week and I feel like absolute shit about it. I know I did the right thing by doing it, but I just idk. He became my best friend over the two months we were together give or take. I broke that man's heart and I've been on the other side of it so that's why I'm taking this so hard I think. After I broke up with him, all I could think about was how I wasn't as devastated as when John ghosted me. And I still feel that way. I STILL miss John even though we never met. I'm still not over him and I don't fucking know why because I could never admit that I loved him in the first place. Like I go back through the messages and I just get sad because I know how happy he made me. And I had a chance with Wrishi, he made me happy but not in the way that John did. I could have just stuck with it and idk maybe I would have found true love with him. I just didn't want to string him along when I didn't feel what he felt completely. He was my first kiss actually. At least that happened before I turned 20. We didn't have sex, although he touched me. I didn't like being touched and I didn't like kissing him. Maybe there's something wrong with me and I'm actually asexual or something who tf knows. I really hope in a year I'm fully okay, and I know that I said that in my earlier letter but I really do hope that I've come even farther than I have since then. I got my license this year!!! End of May 2020 finally. Working full-time while doing four online classes. This time next year, if I don't pussy out, maybe I'll be at a university out of Nebraska? I hope so. Right now I'm thinking Colorado or Illinois, but I'm leaning toward Colorado now that I've ended things with Wrishi. I want to make friends and have fun and have independence. I'm sick of being here. If I go to Colorado then I'll have Megan as a friend already, but I'm sure I could make friends in Illinois. Just scared I'd run into Wrishi or someone from that discord. I still feel like shit about how I ended it with him, but I know that I tried my best to do it in a way where he didn't get hurt. He did, I know, but I tried to minimize it as best as I could. Also, I really hope that Biden gets elected over Trump. It's up in the air for me right now with who I think will win. If Trump wins again I'll be sad as shit but I feel like I'm already numb to it all again so whatever. Anyways, hope that you're happy Maddie. Maybe you have a boyfriend in your new state? Maybe you're fine with being alone. I want to have friends though and I want to be happy with what I'm doing with my life. I know you'll miss home and the cats. Lilly especially. But I think this is what is best for us, me, you. You know what I mean. Get over John though. I know you thought you were over him but you really weren't in 2020. I still miss the fuck out of him and I wish I had him back. I wish I had Wrishi back as a friend but nothing more than that. I just want to know what I want tbh because I have no idea. I just know that I lie to myself a lot about what I feel, pushing emotions down because they're "gross". You can't hide from them because they are there. I know you hate them, but just acknowledge that you actually hate being lonely. I like alone time, but right now I wish I had friends to talk to. I went from being in a call with Wrishi all the time to not talking to anyone but my coworkers and it fucking sucks. OH ALSO CORONA VIRUS HAPPENED. Didn't see that shit coming huh? I hope it's over by now right? Vaccine? No more social distancing and masks???? Let me know. I hope your self-confidence keeps going up because I know that Wrishi made you feel prettier than before. I don't think I'm the ugliest bitch out there anymore, but I'm still insecure. Dye your hair now that you're in a new state. If you're in a new state. What's your job? Target? Daycare? Did you get an apartment or a dorm? probably a dorm right. ok anyways keep doing this writing thing. Talk to a therapist maybe and idk eat healthy foods. I sound dumb as shit sorry but yeah, I hope that I'm happy right now.