A letter from September 4th, 2020

Peaceful right?

So, i hear a happy birthday is in order, huh?! Hey old lady, you're now well stablished in your 20s, huh. two years being 20, how does it feel? i'll tell you how i feel now, at the bright age of 21... it doesnt feel real. how did we get here in the first place? who let us be adults? other than the sheer disbelief in me becoming a grown ass person, i also feel underprepared. like i missed a class on it, or a meeting?!?! how does anyone seem to have their shit together but i -we- dont? I guess everybody feels the same, but... somehow i still feel like im being cheated... Well, happy birthday, gorgeous! I know 21 wasnt an easy age. by far the hardest and most challenging time in your life, but all of that happened -the bad and the good, so you could get where you are and be more prepared. I hope life has been kind to you. Right now you feel like it's you against the world, and i hope it got better. I hope you can proudly say you feel like yourself again. I hope you can look at problems and face them with the insane amount of courage you have (and its just been a little hidden away). You are capable of so much, and you will accomplish everything you put your mind to. But one thing you don't do very well is live in the present. enjoy the little things, day to day. And take chances. Do random, spontaneous things on a tuesday, why not? Go explore the city by yourself. Cry on the subway to the sound of a tune that marked your exchange year. Allow yourself to be the main character of your movie. Dont stand by and wait for happiness. you can be happy now. dont wait until you're in med school, or in a good job, or with the right type of friends to do stuff. You have the gift of being you, of being alive for one more year. Dont waste it away, ok? I hope you're more than happy. And let's break the streak of crying and feeling miserable on your birthday, ok? Act like it's just another day, go on with your life and enjoy your company. Hell, go watch The Office bc we both know that thats what you want to do... I wish you all the happiness in the world. And remember: you are enough, you are capable, you are loved. sometimes things dont go the way we planned them. but thats just God's special way of showing whats truly ours. Be brave, young grasshoper. And have a happy year being 22. [also, please dance to 22 by taylor swift. your 13 y.o version would be very proud!]

Epilogue

7 months later

wow... so, hi?
thank you for writing that, it was such a nice surprise to wake up on my bday to a letter from the past. of course im only...

Uhmc i mi tbu ld,yae e!!str!!lte uoy reignply vhgian won sthi so ot ptas !un!f!! ulcod loyn zelrieda fo dan yruo ot otmhns htwi yerpl yawayn 7.
Yuo tath ,ti yuo teh rmeo hcmu gnihst htriugn lal oelvly so owh ownk hcmu i asid oewtr ouy whne mesan ti ewer. )it ti s(i ot os i,kd em go lkie niedtfefr eo,lppe two eb lngacil nnoga mi ''yuo? deirw elfes twih ti. .
Rd32 32dr wno vgniil im my yera eopedcmtl ym (bc 2,2 eiv aliev. . . Do, ont jtsu nibilredec ly,ltacau )lllllo pu vehwneer been otni uonginscf end i i illw ttah bc i leoepp ash egt. Meh lfte ser,u day my eth fo tayrhdib. Hdricseeh thme a im cdskeu rtoofg wtih dan ltliet ponit dan efil rlmojay ,rtdhybai fele raytihdb yeht it nmikag trhu iyanr sllit ttha nad hcih-w wstrdoa seru i aws dan ealvdu it ytrept i my evyre meak areecebtl nfrside woh -salyceeilp ot ym htrei utaob a rsnltfuee a ushrdaty lfee eusr orf. Lest ont ,ayaywn epon udonw stih. .
Me,h aetls c,ry swa os keli wsa i ta nddti i ubt ,os eth ysia,gn th11. . . Niw cb it a p?ei?rt!onmv!m?e aaahhhh mi on ysntleho tta,h as tkniag. . . Em haev lsaayw edgaer ont itwh sbahdiryt.
,athth enbe zianamg il'fes horte tnah btu. Ervy mfor on agnon to i cb ays ti dna ttah teh kcus siefl ivneurse to ays ,ag'ohct ekpe si acysr niitwga wno ofr. Ufn had lagd yuo ti l'dstea ilewh yuor. Jstu rolbyabp oigtsgabna self ym utb sthta rainb.
No vognim. . . Tnio lo?shetny a the nda eflued it ed,sirpusr ofterpcein 'its ot teg adegr odverp mi ooshcl garte trcka but gihnts thtas lvele of of htat aeicinhvg taht the orf neeee!amiuenhe) tyeh nto cepbala dna im a woh('s tog tset godo emd cxpete oweervh ni rtghi ,em gheuon uin, on i. .
Lwel, nwse ni reoht. . . Nad dan ew ni tbu seomeno )hci,bt guses spoern ince uyo funny lltsi dculo ungh begin idk eyt tou ot mi' ew!n?!?!? i tnlagki d(ivosc' ysa h'es naveth a. . . Im arldoe antadiov twhi ntigry het aedl ot adn attehnactm odg, s,aol ti csuks. Tsuj to nilpugl yas efel lal mi knwo tsi heeci,qtun it i bastoaeg do its do gbnie ayaw and i naht i nrsaoebnlaue onkw cayaltlu ekil ot i haev ,emit nad btu raiees athw the. .
!!!!ho tardtse nalre ot i aalt,iin lol irpea!isc!!n!sp. Bit bsas a of nad lsoa teh. Eth itankg oprejct ym the dan aimn ttash eilf harcge of egcnmbio of own aetcrarhc on. .
E?eeeelse htaw.
Odog esi'lf is o,ogdo maf teh. Mi yphpa dan. Yrltu ahypp. So aktnh thruohg nego lla rfo vueyo' uoy. Estg e,terbt broefe a ist iltetl egt htrwo ti ubt agnon sit it ehrard ,babe so. Eou'vy rfo eachr ipnt,o htta me nda ihst ot im fglateur weldaol.
H,uhrotg lal ouy of bgeni lost meesni nad nwko figenle het teh that and of ttah og stju earf ngisruhc nelao a,feirul. . . . Prnaeemnt atht onne si fo w,lel. Eyosflru uoy evah omm!) nd(a. .
Uoy w!on ahknt yeb fro dna <3.

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