Future Laura, I think you're gorgeous!!

Dear FutureMe, You seem to be doing quite well at present. Quite well is a relative term. I mean, you're not really doing anything important or significant, or anything that you really seem to give a crap about, but you're not dead. Nor are you in an abusive relationship, or addicted to cocaine. The worst things in your life right now are your immeasurable debt to Visa, and you appear to be in the beginning stages of alcoholism. If when this email is recieved, don't say you didn't see it coming, because I'm calling it right now. Don't be too proud to go to AA. I'm pretty sure AA's can still drink a beer every now and then. (Actually, Future Laura, your 'Other Me' is getting kind of impatient, as you are am curently putting off going to the bar RIGHT NOW to write this frickin' email.) As well a drinker, you're currently a gung-ho smoker. Your cigarette of choice is the Lucky Strike brand, mostly because of their fun little inserts, encouraging smokers to keep on keeping on. You seem to have become quite the connoisseur, as you won't 'bum' cigarettes off anyone smoking Marlboros or most things Camel, or anything menthol. If it's not a Lucky, it's not worth smoking. Okay, that's not true, because you'll smoke either Dave's brand (you like the fact that a guy named a cigarette after himself), or American Spirits (the hipsters back in Moscow used to smoke them, and even though you don't really enjoy American Spirits, you know you look pretty cool carrying them.) Enough about you, though, Future Laura, this is all old news from you, and you have a very well documented livejournal to look back on the years. Let's divulge some of my expectations for you. First, you expect yourself to be making much more money than you are right now. You're not expecting an actual salary, but you're making $10.81/hour right now, and you'd like to see something around the $18-$20 range. You're not calling yourself a failure if you're not at this point, just this is what you're currently expecting. . Second, you should still be a smoker. If you're not, you should have taken the precaution of hiding an emergency pack for you somewhere you're sure to be in three years. Swear to god, you're putting a pack of Lucky Strikes in a metal box and burying it in your mother's back yard. If you're not a smoker, please go uncover the box and smoke them right now. Go ahead, I'll wait. You'll thank yourself for this. Hey, also as a side note, just less than two weeks ago, Washington State passed a new law that you can't smoke inside any type of business, bar, disco tech and night club included. You are very, very offended at this law, although you didn't vote against or for it (at all, you know? You've got something unidentifiable against the idea of voting, and you're not even registered) so you're keeping your mouth shut. Next, you want to have been in a serious relationship by this time. It's fine if you're single right now, you don't mind, but you're hoping you've had that experience under your belt. At present, you've only got Carson in your past, and we really need his relevance to falter. You don't seem to have any prospects in your sights right now. I mean, there's a gentleman here and there that strikes your fancy, but you seem to find some reason not to bother. You're not sure if your expectations are too high, or your self esteem is too low, but you seem to be really good at makig excuses. The latest prospect is a (younger!) man named Jason, and you've managed to put off calling him for close to three weeks, and the excuse you're using is that, last time you spoke, he was gearing up to start a new job in the pest control industry. Think on that one for a while. Your 'Other Me' seems to find it pretty valid, based on your current standings for animal rights. Future Laura, you're babbling right now, and you're really impatient because if you want to go to the bar and be home by 1:00a (you wake up at 6:30a, FYI), you'e cutting it really freaking close. This displeases you. Future Laura, you will recieve a follow up email within the next several days. Promises! Future Laura, whatever is going on in your life right now, you just hope you've reached some sort of contentment. This nothingness you're putting youself through is a real drag. At least, get us a hobby. I LOVE YOU!! You're spectacular! AND BEAUTIFUL!!