A letter from July 5th, 2020

dear futureme, it’s july 4th 2020. this letter is set to send for my 25th birthday, 4 years from now. there’s so much yet so little going on in life right now. currently i’m on a keto diet and working out. i lost 44lbs so far. i’m actually proud of myself for once. but it makes me more anxious. i hope i reach a body image i can be comfortable with. i already know if i have to spend money on surgeries to achieve it i will. but the weight loss i will do on my own. i always have been overweight all my life. but going backwards to previous weights is strange. i was 175 lbs when i wad 11 years old. but if i can reach that now. it would make sense. funny how that works. how’s home life? my baby sister should be 7 years old. and my other sisters 12 and 17. gross 🤧 lol. i miss them as babies right now. i can’t imagine how i’ll feel then. my sole reason for living is for them. if i had to take care of each other time a million times over i’d do it every time. they deserve so much better. better parents. a better sister. a better home. a better upbringing. they deserve to have a full life. and be safe and protected. and experience everything. i know my life will never be good. the past is something that formed me into who i am now. all the insecurities. the anxieties. depression. it’s not something that will disappear. i don’t know what life is without pain, discomfort, detachment, unloved. happy and content feelings are what i which to achieve. i don’t know if that’s completely possible. my anxiety has been overwhelming lately. it’s ironic that i used to be completely emotionless. but now i’m too emotional. i decided that i really won’t be in a relationship. or have ***. in no way am i aromatic or asexual. i just spend my life avoiding stressors that i can. and those things i can do. i’ve felt this way for a very long time. yes i’ve had my moments where i’d want to be with someone. or have kids of my own. or make love. but ultimately. it’s too much. i don’t want it. my best friend. she’s a beautiful soul. she understands overall. and what she doesn’t understand she still accepts. we’ve had our ups and down. and will probably have more. but i don’t regret a thing. we’re still young and dumb. and got plenty more to experience. individually and together. i’ve always looked up to her. but i’m grateful she truly cares about me. that type care is something i’ll never have with anyone else in my life. like she says. we’re soul sisters. i trust her more than i trust myself. i wish the best for her. i hope by then she has a baby. one of her main life goals is to be a mother. and she will be an amazing one. my heart also holds someone else. well i that sense. he consumes all of it. he’s such an amazing person. there’s no one else like him. i’m glad we’re close. and he cares about me. he’s in a position in his life where he’s not open to a love life. and i completely understand and respect that. he’s not that confident in himself. which is what breaks my heart the most. not him not having feelings for me. other than my best friend i’ve never cared for someone’s wellbeing as much as i do for him. i want him to fulfill his goals. and be at peace with himself. as much as i want to be with him. he deserves the best. and that’s really not me. it seems backwards that i don’t want a relationship or anything but would want it with him. it’s hard to explain. but he’s special. i love him and that’s why i have to let him go. as for the world as a whole? it’s ****** up. but we been knew this. hopefully it hasn’t completely fallen apart by then.